Someday...

"Someday,

I'll be

Big enough that you can't hit me."

This was a critical line in a song I heard in primary school during one of our anti-bullying/anti-abuse classes. The fact that we even need such classes is, honestly, kind of upsetting. But it has resonated with me for years.

Given my size and naturally powerful build, I reached that threshold pretty early on. I was big enough that they couldn't hit me, though a few still tried. But when they did, when I was attacked, the teachers would come down on me like the Hammer of Thor. So, my bully-inclined (this was not all of them) classmates changed tactics.

Knowing that, no matter what they did, I would be the only one to be punished - and knowing that they couldn't overpower me physically - they started to chip away me emotionally. I know I've talked about this before, and I'm sorry to anyone for whom this is redundant, but I just feel like venting.

Most of my teachers were firmly on my bullies' side in this conflict. They thought they were doing good in the world by punishing the big blue-eyed kid. And I'm not projecting that one, I was told repeatedly growing up that I deserved this treatment for the crime of being born as I was. What a lovely thing to instill in a child when they're not yet old enough to understand long division.

And, of course, the administration helped these bad actors along. When I was growing up, there was this idea that teachers could do no wrong. And if a student had a problem with one, then that student should be punished for lying because they took as axiomatic that teachers were angels, and any discontented students were the problem.

There's a Japanese saying that fits my experience perfectly, "the nail that stands out is hammered down."

Only most, you must understand. And only during the most critical formative years of my life. Starting in about grade 8, there was a huge tone shift. Most of the teachers started to be on my side, they saw my potential and wanted to help me achieve it. But by then, I was like a dog that has been kicked one too many times. Unable to comprehend that they wanted to show me kindness.

In a similar vein, I have always struggled with romance and other related intimate behaviour (to keep things PG). Though I have no proof of this, I think I developed this interest much earlier than my peers. By the end of grade 5, I wanted a girlfriend. I wanted to be loved, and I had several people I would have been happy to be with.

Naturally, those early attempts at trying to garner attention were clumsy and most often cringe-worthy. But I still tried. This opened a whole new avenue for abuse. I never did anything overt; we were always told about how to approach people we were interested in - friend-wise or romance-wise - so I never did anything so gauche as touching them or otherwise violating their consent. But I also received no affirmations. Ever.

Years ago, I read a book called Freakonomics. It was a very interesting read and it taught me some valuable lessons. Did you know that most professional athletes - according to the book - were born in the early months of the year? This is because children are grouped largely by birthyear and must compete together.

Since any gap in age when we're young has significant impacts on our physical and maturity development, so people born earlier are more developed. As a result, they experience a lot of early success that creates a positive feedback cycle: success, praise, enjoyment, participation, success, repeating.

The same is true in romance and intimacy, though less strictly defined by time. Early success leads to more comfort and more effort which frequently but not always leads to more success.

In my early forays into the confusing and scary world of romance, I only ever received more abuse. I was too tall, too fat, too ugly, too stupid. The girls I knew seemed to revel in their power to hurt me. Maybe I'm projecting, and I'm trying to avoid - as one of my best friends always tells me I do - 'purposely presenting as a victim.' But this is my experience and it's the only one I've ever known.

So, between 11 or so and 15 I never once got any attention with one exception. Early in grade 9 a girl said she liked my eyes, I tried to get to know her since that was the first compliment I had ever gotten from someone I wasn't related to at that age, but she avoided me like the plague after that first interaction. So, it was a nonstarter.

Then at 15 a girl actually pursued me. It was an amazing feeling. For the first time ever I felt wanted, desired, valued. But... well we never went further than kissing together, and she cheated on me several times. And I mean the full Monty of cheating, by the way. Being young and stupid, I forgave these 'indiscretions' because I genuinely believed she loved me. Maybe she did, I'll never know for sure.

But it was a toxic relationship. I'm told by friends with more experience that they all are at that age, I wouldn't know. So, when I finally worked up the courage to breakup with her, she tried to die while telling me that it was all my fault and it was a means of punishing me for being 'a bad boyfriend and bad person.'

Now, I knew that wasn't true. I knew that it wasn't even remotely close to the truth. But still, those words cut deep. Still passed the science test I had to take the next morning though... so that's a win.

After that, things never got quite that bad again. But they were also never good. I had one who chased me, then got bored and my friends all left with her. Not sure how that happened. While I was reeling from that, another one showed interest, but when I refused to buy her expensive things, she turned nasty. Turns out she had had a boyfriend the whole time and was trying to 'see how much damage I can do.'

So, I stopped trying. I fought down my every instinct and desire until people just assumed I had no interest at all. Ace/Aero. Oh how I wish that was true. I know that genuinely Ace/Aero people struggle, they face difficulties and traumas I'll never understand. But still, I think it would be nice to be that way. To never think or worry about romance or sex again.

But I've come to realize that such thoughts and ideations are toxic to me. Damaging to my health and my happiness. I can't just reject what and who I am, no matter what people do to me. I couldn't repress my size to make people stop hurting me, I could only grow into a person big enough that they couldn't hit. I was lucky to do that naturally, but my other problems aren't the kind of things that can be just grown out of.

Instead, I have to push myself to change. I need to accept what happened to me, and I need to remember and focus on the good times. Because 13 years after I first developed interest in girls, something positive happened.

We met on Bumble in late August 2022, became official in September, and I ended the relationship in June 2023. She was wonderful, kind, funny, smart, and the most caring person I've ever met. Everything a person could want in a relationship, sadly, my feelings never evolved past and deep and passionate liking while hers moved into capital L Love.

Ruminating on it at the time, I realized that my feelings had not advanced at all since our relationship really found its feet. I realized that they had even started to fade slightly. So, I broke it off. A hard thing to do, I wrote a poem on my feelings called 'Goodbye,' but it was the right thing to do.

Since then, my friends have aske dme a million times why I never dated or hooked up in high school or university. They never believe my answer that 'the only thing in my way was the consent of others.' And frequently interpose their own ideas, telling me that I'm wrong and I chose not to be with anyone. Maybe that's true.

Maybe they just got the early and critical validation that I did not and so they can no more understand my story than I can comprehend theirs. We are, all of us, different people who led different lives. Though they have all had their share, or in some cases a significantly larger share than any person should, of trauma and heartbreak, they also had positives. Positives I never did during their developmental years.

These days, I'm on a mission to improve everything about myself that I can. I'm trying to learn how to love myself. Trying to learn to trust people. Trying to learn how to put myself out there and live up to the potential that everyone around me now sees in me. It's hard. Sometimes, like today, it seems impossibly hard. It seems as though I have nothing that anyone could want.

Sometimes, the scared, wounded child I was creeps back into my mind and whispers that, just like before, they are only waiting until the right time to hurt me. After all, it's happened before much more than anything positive did, why should this time be any different? Except we can't plot human behaviour logically, can we?

We have no way of knowing how people are going to turn out or behave if we try to use our previous experience as a guide. Some things we can say, if they display familiar toxic traits, then avoid them. But if they've never been anything but kind to you? Why not trust them? We cannot live without it after all. No man is an island.

And even though I'll never be fully safe. Even though I'll never grow so much as to be protected from every possible line of attack, I can grow into someone stronger. I can grow into a person that is willing to accept the love offered, and cautious enough to protect myself from bad actors.

Because someday I'll be big enough that they can't hurt me.

-0-

To anyone who read this whole ramble, thank you. I'm sorry if this was depressing at all. Generally speaking, I don't like talking about myself because why would anyone care? But I wanted to get this off my chest, since it's been a tough go today and I've been really ruminating on everything discussed here.

I genuinely hope you all have a wonderful day, and remember, it costs nothing to be either kind or cruel. But the latter can damage people so deeply that they spend have to spend years trying to get over it and then rant about it on Vocal lol.

Your earnest Canadian,

Alex