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Slipping Away

Losing myself to the web of lies.

By BoraxPublished 3 months ago 3 min read
Slipping Away
Photo by Majestic Lukas on Unsplash

Every day started with an idea or a promise of bettering myself. "I'll do this! I'll do that!" I would think as I carried myself to my computer. Every day, without fail, I would let myself down. Meaningless distractions bogged every waking moment while I still sat down and continued to lie to myself saying, "I'll do better tomorrow."

Tomorrow came and so did the day after, neither was spent meaningfully.

A day would come when I could pull myself away from the fruitless activities and work towards something that would give me a better sense of purpose. I would run, write, draw, read, or just simply go outside and enjoy nature. I would feel fulfilled that I was able to do anything productive.

And yet a day would come when the cycle started anew.

I would say, "Not today, but tomorrow I swear." To whomever I swore to, I deeply apologize, as the days rolled by with me saying the same thing over and over again. An unceasing daily habit of promising myself, lying to myself, and feeling guilty all until I fall asleep and do it again.

"What am I doing with my life? How worthless am I?"

"Why can't I just focus? What's the point of all of this?"

These questions, and many more, plagued my mind, and I could not escape them. They filled my mind and stabbed my soul as I searched for a solution to the pain routed into my being. The one question that ate at me the most. The one question that tore into my heart when I came close to the truth,

"Who am I?"

A simple question and a complex string of ego and denial.

I would answer with anything but the cold truth. And when I realized the truth, I ran from it. I was, in simplest terms, a nobody. I was not necessary to anyone or anything. I lived for temporary pleasures while doing nothing to benefit either myself or any other being. I had friends and family. They all were doing amazing things and I will always be proud of them.

I just felt so alone, so defeated.

I was on my hands and knees silently screaming into the abyss. I didn't want to burden anyone with my sense of worthlessness and self-pity. So I cried into the dark where no one would know the hate I felt towards the man in the mirror. I was at my breaking point and standing on the edge. I'm not sure what it was, whether a strong innate desire to live or to spite the echoing despair I felt.

But I gripped my heart and turned sorrow to rage and rage to determination.

I now felt hate for myself not because of my lack of worth, but for allowing myself to succumb so far down the abyss. I was enraged that I allowed it to get so bad that I would beg for an end that only I could deliver. I cut the distractions out and fought for my right to live. I would run, write, draw, work, bike, and overall enjoy living my life. I sought out opportunities to grow, to help my friends and family, and to do anything that gave me a sense of purpose and fulfillment.

I was lost, but I clawed my way back into the sunlight.

I'm far from perfect with many things that I still need to work on, but at no point will I ever allow myself to reach those depths again. No matter what, the question will be answered,

"Who am I?"

"The one who will fight forever forward, in hopes of a better life."

InspirationMen's PerspectivesMasculinityEmpowerment

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