I Know Why Men Think About Sex

“Look at those.”

“Where?”

“You missed it.”

It’s annoying when Fabien doesn’t specify, but I know exactly what he’s talking about.

“That man had the biggest bulge.”

While straight men can’t help looking at women’s bosoms, we gay men can’t help it with bulges.

“I think he was commando. The outline was… sharp.”

Especially when the carrier goes commando, the moose knuckle becomes even more evident.

And then, it hit me.

“No wonder we’re always thinking about sex,” I told Fabien, as if I was about to give him a piece of my mind.

“Really?” he replied defensively.

“No, no, not what I meant. Hear me out.”

Already, we are stimulated by what we see: bosoms, bulges, and every curved table-top, inanimate objects rendered “faintly, pervasively erotic,” according to Shevek, the protagonist in Le Guin’s The Dispossessed.

But it’s not just what we see. It’s what we feel. I’m not talking about some vague feeling inside us, but about how our penis presses against the fabric around it. Every movement creates a little friction. Maybe the friction doesn’t create desire. Maybe it simply keeps the penis in our awareness. The rest, our imagination happily supplies.

This starts young.

I think about the private school I attended, right on the precipice of puberty.

I vividly recall how, at the beginning of each year, our uniforms were often tailored, particularly our pants. Since we were constantly growing at that age, it wasn’t long before they became too tight, and the Hulk within me begged to emerge. I still remember the numerous times I found myself sitting in class, my arms resting on the wooden pupitre, while underneath, my tight pants and increasingly restless bulge pressed against the cold, metallic bottom of the desk. It was an uncontrollable sensation. During math class, I spent as much energy memorizing my times tables as discreetly repositioning myself in my chair. Blame puberty, they said. Blame the pants, I say.

Like a genie constantly being asked to come out, it gets harder to wish for anything other than what the turgescent limb demands.

I also blame circumcision. The foreskin can act as a barrier to friction. Without it, the penis is in a more vulnerable position. The softer the fabric, the riskier the friction, at least in my experience. Somewhere, a researcher is spending millions studying testosterone or ethics while completely ignoring denim.

Being naked removes friction. A cold breeze keeps your wee-wee humble and shriveled up. As my granddad always said, the ego deflates when the penis deflates.

If I were an activist, I’d be unbearable. I’d make #freethepenis my entire personality. There’d be marches—questionable merchandise.

If the penis misbehaves, a tiny prison awaits it. Also known as the chastity belt, it’ll become a fashion statement. Maybe it already has in a parallel world, where my visionary self has convinced millions of men to walk balls-free. We’d be way past #freethepenis by then, and the Battle of the Bulge would have a whole other meaning.

I even asked ChatGPT to draw a free-balling model strutting down the Paris Fashion Week runway in cowboy chaps and a platinum Prada chastity belt. Chatty, lacking the naughty spirit, refused.

Come to think of it, what about kilts? Back in the army, we’d bet a drink on whether the Highlanders wore anything underneath. They’d usually settle the debate by lifting their kilts. I wonder how my friction hypothesis fares with those brave men. Any kilt wearers care to weigh in?

The more I think about it, the more I want to spend six years earning a doctorate by asking men one question: “How aware are you of your penis right now?” My working hypothesis would be simple: every unnecessary brush against a seam produces one intrusive thought. I’m still waiting on grant funding.

We like to think our thoughts begin in the mind. I’m starting to suspect they often begin with the body, and the mind simply arrives later to explain itself.

Until someone invents clothing that lets us forget we have a penis, I’ll continue campaigning for #freethepenis. Not because I expect anyone to listen, but because every revolution needs a ridiculous slogan.

Here is some different biology, if you want to know.

I Know Why Men Think About Sex

And it’s not always just about sex

Short answer: because our brains are wired that way, and the world keeps reminding us to.

Here’s the detail, broken down:

1. Biology: The hardware is always “on”

- Testosterone: Men average 10-20x more testosterone than women. It’s the main hormone driving libido. It doesn’t shut off at 5 pm.

- Brain wiring: The male brain has more activity in regions tied to visual processing and sexual arousal. We literally notice and register sexual cues faster.

- Spontaneous arousal: The body can trigger arousal without any conscious thought. Morning erections, random ones, etc. It’s physiology, not a decision. So the mind follows.

That’s why a lot of it is background noise, not an agenda.

2. Psychology: We’re trained to scan

From puberty on, men get a lot of messages:

“Be desired. Be successful. Be wanted.” Sex gets tied to status, confidence, and proof that you’re “okay.”

So the brain starts pattern-matching:

Attractive person → status cue → dopamine → thought loop.

It becomes a mental shortcut, like checking your phone.

Also: novelty. The male brain gets a bigger dopamine hit from new stimuli. That’s why a new face, a new scenario, or a new ad can restart the loop.

3. Social: The world won’t stop bringing it up

We live in ads, movies, memes, music, and conversations that use sex to sell everything from deodorant to cars.

For men, there’s also less social permission to talk about feelings directly. So attraction, stress, boredom, and even loneliness often get translated into “sex” in our heads because that’s the language we were given.

4. It’s not always about wanting sex

This is the part people miss. When I catch my own brain doing it, 80% of the time it’s not “I want to act on this.”

It’s usually:

- Boredom: Brain looking for stimulation

- Stress relief: Sex = dopamine = quick reset

- Validation: “Do I still have it?”

- Connection craving: We translate “I want closeness” into “I want sex”

- Habit: The brain runs the loop because it always has

5. The difference between thinking and doing

Thinking about sex is automatic. Acting on it is a choice.

Most men spend most of the day filtering, ignoring, and redirecting those thoughts to work, gym, friends, or whatever’s in front of us.

It’s like ads on a website. They pop up. You don’t have to click.

The takeaway I’ve learned

Men don’t think about sex 24/7 because we’re obsessed. We think about it a lot because:

1. Biology makes it frequent

2. Culture makes it visible

3. Psychology uses it as shorthand for other needs

Understanding that helped me stop shaming the thought and start asking: “What do I actually need right now? Food? Sleep? A real conversation? A workout?”

Once you answer that, the noise quiets down.