I Am Supposed To Be Dead

For those of you who are friends and those who've followed my journey from being a healthy, active, and energetic guy to having been given a terminal diagnosis, next month will be three years.

Next month will be the three-year mark since I developed cancer, and two and a half years since finding out I had terminal cancer. It's been a long and crazy journey, filled with some highs and some desperately low lows. Recently, I wound up in the hospital. It was the first time the cancer and symptoms took me to the Emergency Room. And I doubt it will be the last, but that's what hope is for.

If this is the first time you're reading one of my cancer stories, thanks for stopping by. There are two reasons for doing these. One, because it's therapeutic. You can share things with people you barely know or complete strangers more easily than sharing them with your best friend. I'm not sure why that is, and I'm not saying it works for everybody. But it does help.

The second reason is for the guys. If it helps a lady out there, then that's great too. But this type of cancer is male. I was completely healthy, had trimmed down to the best shape I'd been in since the late 90s, and was only seeing the doctor for a prescription refill. What I left with was news that was anything but easy.

What I'm saying is get checked, guys. I had no idea that I had anything wrong, and from zero idea to it being terminal, it all happened so fast. Perhaps, had I been more aware and persistent with doctors, I'd be through the worst of it, and not still staring at the barrel of a gun that hasn't gone off yet. Once you're there, you can't escape it.

So, nearly three years after doctors believe I developed an aggressive prostate cancer, that would in just six months go from nothing to metastasizing and hitting most of my organs and nearly 80 places in my skeletal structure, here I am approaching a massive milestone.

What Have I Learned?

This has all been a learning experience for me. Every new day I learn a little bit more about myself, my feelings, my beliefs, and I realize the things I took for granted. And yes, there were many. But it's ultimately the little things that I took for granted that I miss the most.

I said that like I'm gone already. I know. But when this all came crashing down on me, it was like a part of me died. Prostate cancer and the meds for metastatic prostate cancer bring a close to your sex life as you know it. Intimacy is all but over, or risky, and definitely changed forever, or as long as you're on these meds.

When this all started, I had someone in my life. And I look back, and honestly, kissing is one of those things I miss. And dammit, I was a good kisser. Now, that might sound egotistical, but if it does, blame the women who told me that was the case. Nevertheless, I miss kissing.

Feeling good. Yes, I miss that more than anything. Despite the growth being slower, I don't often feel good. Functional and good are two very different things I've found. Before this hit me, I was a happy, energetic, enthusiastic guy. Now, I'm not able to do as much, have days where simply walking is a struggle, and my body frequently suffers. But I keep going.

Because that's the biggest thing I've learned. Keep going! The weight of the world on your shoulders is a lot for any of us to carry, and we all get there at some point. But if we keep going, it's less likely to crush us beneath the weight.

We take too much for granted in this life. I'm as guilty of this as anyone, maybe even more so. If I can say anything to anyone that asks about my journey, it's to keep going. Keep living. Keep loving. That last one, that's the most important one of them all. That loving, that's the thing that will keep you trying to get up and be here.

Love everything you do. Love your friends. Love your family. Love your moments watching a movie, sipping a beer (Corona if you watch Fast and the Furious), sitting outside, grilling food with friends, listening to music, or just seeing something you hadn't noticed before.

I wish everybody could see the value in this before they're faced with their mortality. I'm glad to be seeing it, and all I regret is not seeing it sooner.