Growing Up Big
Remember that people are always deeper than they appear and treat them kindly. Please.
Hello there, I'm going to open up about my youth and how it impacted me as a man. You can imagine that this is a difficult story to share as I'm not the best at expressing myself, hopefully you'll understand why by the end.
I'm 195cm (6 foot five inches or thereabout) and for my whole life I've always been a lot bigger than my classmates and now than my peers. The result of this is that I always, always, had to be a lot more careful than many people in my bracket. Being larger, and not just tall but with a naturally powerful build, there were a lot of expectations on me and my behaviour.
It was on me, and me exclusively, to handle the perceptions of others. I had to be soft-spoken and gentle at all times or else other people would be frightened of, or at least intimidated by me. I was never able to vent my anger or frustrations like my classmates did for the same reason.
The same expressions or actions taken by one who is much larger than his classmates, versus by one who is average or even smaller, are interpreted very differently. A faster, and not always healthy, maturing was required. No one would ever take my side in any conflict, even if it was just verbal, because I took one step to every two of my fellows. (Slight exaggeration here.)
Because of these expectations, that a child behave beyond his years before he is emotionally mature enough to do it healthily, I developed the standard toxic trait of avoidance and concealment. I repress my stress, anxiety, anger, etc. because it would be socially unsafe for me to express them. This is distinct from the standard rhetoric around toxic masculinity. I did not do this because I was ashamed of being weak, but rather because to do otherwise would make me a target of punishment even if I had done nothing other than express my emotions.
A problem that continues to plague me today.
I'd also like to share an experience that I don't remember, being quite young when it happened, but one my aunt has been up in arms about for years. When I was three-years-old, she took me to a park, where I played the way any normal three-year-old would. Much to the condemnation and distain of the other parents at the park. "Look at that kid," the would say. "Why is he even here? Parents should have raised him better. Why won't he act his age?"
The joys of being the size of a five or six-year-old at the tender age of three.
Piled on top of that and referencing what I mentioned before about how no one was ever on my side, I faced a lot of bullying. This is because children who are prone to be bullies are naturally drawn to those who are defenseless. Once they discovered that I was not an aggressive person by nature, the probing attacks began. Then they discovered that no matter what happened I would be punished, not them.
One can only imagine how this opened certain floodgates.
Verbal attacks were the beginning, and if I engaged in the oral fencing, they would run to the teachers and cry that I had threatened them. And lo I was punished. A perfect catch 22. Either they got to put me down as much as they chose, or I would be punished for defending myself without any physical force at all.
Later, they got more physical. I won't go into details about that, but the pattern repeated. I was larger than them, so they thought they would test their mettle against me and if I lost, then they got to say they'd beaten me. If I won, then I would face the whole of the punishment because I had to behave better.
No wonder I became as much of a teacher's pet as I could. There was little the bullies could do if I was always at the teacher's side, talking to them and under their eye.
The cumulation of this unfortunate bias towards me based on my size, was in middle school. I would have been about 12, and already the tallest person not just in my grade but in the school - yes, I said person, teachers included. My gym teacher, who had a bone to pick with me due to a smart mouth and something of a napoleon complex given that she was a good deal shorter than I, locked me in the equipment room with my bullies.
It took my parents threatening to involve the police and sue the school board for my situation to be taken seriously. "But he's so big," the principal said. "There's no way that three students working together could hurt him, and it's impossible that a teacher... oh... lawyers? Well... maybe I'll investigate this."
The bullying itself did not stop, but at least I stopped getting injured in gym class once we were under constant administrative observation. I remember very clearly how they used to take bets on who could get me to kill myself first. Given how my story has gone so far, you can imagine how the teachers responded to this when I brought it to their attention. Detention. For me. For lying. Because: how could someone my size ever be a target of anything?
Highschool was better, there were only a few incidents when other students tried to pick a fight with "the biggest guy in the yard" and I had a few teachers who were firmly in my corner. They believed me and kept me safe, something for which I will always be grateful. Especially to Coach Falsetto who understood my difficulties and worked hard to proactively keep me safe in his class.
In university, the difficulties became less frequent though no less direct. Multiple times while walking to class, random people whom I did not know decided to throw various slurs, insults, and threats at me. Once going so far as to stand in front of me and berate me at length for the 'crime' of being too tall. She took a long time to explain how inconsiderate it was of me to be out in public because of how naturally intimidating my presence was, and demand that I do various permanent things to myself to remove my threat forever. Which was a nice way to start my day.
The results of growing up big, as I've titled this article, are far from pleasant. I spent a lot of my youth being punished for my size, targeted by my classmates, and occasionally abused by teachers while the world looked on with distain. The world was a cruel place that would never treat me with kindness; it was wrong to defend myself and wrong to seek help, or at least those were the lessons I learned.
Since then, I've been working through some of this trauma with therapy and by building a supportive group of friends who can help me on what has become something of a healing journey. Unlearning the hatred and fear that I was taught through school and by interacting with the rest of the world has been hard, but I think I'm making progress. Certainly, I'm less misanthropic now than I used to be. Maybe being outside of the school system is part of that.
I'm not sure what I want to say at the end now, aside from, please be kind to children. You never really know what they're going through and targeting them for the crime of being born is always the wrong choice.
Lots of love,
Alex
About the Creator
Alexander McEvoy
Writing has been a hobby of mine for years, so I'm just thrilled to be here! As for me, I love writing, dogs, and travel (only 1 continent left! Australia-.-)
I hope you enjoy what you read and I can't wait to see your creations :)
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Comments (11)
Could have sworn I read this. Alas. My heart broke for you as I read. Talk about gaslighting. I can't think of a single female claim to gaslighting that rivals your entire youth, birth to college. And I can't even fathom this. You were locked in the equipment room with your bullies by a TEACHER? That is absurd! She should have been fired on the spot. The principal too. And then arrested for kidnapping and child abuse. Holy fucking shit. Kids are the cruelest. I can't believe -- literally I'm struggling to picture this -- that there was a contest to see who could get you to kill yourself first. What the actual fuck? Who damaged these kids? I'm imagining your piece of Canada as being the absolute worst place on Earth for parenting. Did anyone teach morals? God, I feel like a sheltered baby seeing the world's atrocities for the first time. I love tallness. It's the kind of characteristic that speaks to strength (doesn't matter what kind). Tall people, much like large dogs, are most always gentle and kind. I'm convinced that the smaller you are, the more of a complex you have about it, and thus you become aggressive and vicious, like a lap dog. If you don't have to fight to see the world, I think you develop a grace and peace about you that shorter people don't; they have to fight to see the world. (Obviously, I'm speaking in generalities.) What I'd love to know is how rare it is. Shorter/average people seem to be in awe of tall people like it's a frickin genetic anomaly. But is it? I know loads of tall people. Humanity never ceases to amaze me with its proclivities toward dehumanization. Why is it so hard to treat people as PEOPLE, no matter what they look like or how they think? I'm not even that tall (5'11) and it's the first comment I get when I meet someone new. It's baffling. I'm so incredibly sorry for how you experienced humanity in your youth. But to have friends who accept you (and a family too, it seems), I'm glad for that. Also very happy to hear that Vocal has been a little haven. You're a fantastic person, and I'm very happy you're here and, I'm happy you're tall. :D
Very insightful, firstly about your own plight and inner struggle, but also about the complexities of social interplay and the tortures of the classroom. Do you mind if I use this as well to do some character building for the project I asked you about? This would add a lot to the dynamic.
Alex, thank you for opening up and being brave enough to share part of your story with us! This was relatable and so thought provoking for me. This story really made me sympathize with your plight, I am so sorry this was part of your journey and I hope the path is a little easier to tree now. I am really glad you persevered through all this hardship and were able to tell your story! I think it’s. Less known/ heard perspective and it really gives the rest of us a new perspective to adhere to. Thank you again for sharing this story! 💕 I can totally see why this story earned you a Top Story Badge, congratulations! 🎉
Sorry for everything you've gone through. I'm glad to know you're healing.
You have grown a lot and I bet you could help other kids in the same way you were just earlier for them. Your article could be used in a social work course or even a diversity course.
Oh Alex, I'm so SO sorry for everything that you had to go through 🥺💔 I was able to relate to most of it. I'm 172cm and that's quite tall for a girl. So I was always the tallest among all my classmates. I would always get bullied and called names. Teachers would side with my bullies and I would get punished. I'm so sad that you too went through the same thing. My family and relatives often treat we as an adult when I was still a kid because of my height. I was exposed to stuff that kids were not supposed to be exposed to. I didn't have a good childhood. I have decided to not have children because I know I cannot keep them safe from bullies and I never want to put my children at that risk. Like you said, people need to be kind to children. They have no idea how much it affects them. I'm so glad you're seeing a therapist. I hope you're able to heal. Writing this must have been so hard for you and it must have taken a lot of courage. I hope writing this made you feel better. Sending you lots of love and hugs! ❤️ I've subscribed to you as well!
Thank you for sharing such a personal story. Your experiences provide valuable insights into the unique challenges faced by those who are seen as physically different or intimidating. Your situation illustrates that societal expectations and prejudices aren't just confined to the most obvious aspects of identity like race or gender, but can extend to characteristics like size and build as well. The pressure you faced to suppress your emotions for the comfort of others, unfortunately, mirrors the struggle many people go through. It's important for us to recognize and talk about these issues. Again, thank you for opening up this conversation and I'm looking forward to hearing more about your experiences and thoughts
It makes such a difference to be heard and believed. ❤️
Alex... wow... what a piece. Thank you for sharing this incredible piece of your story, your perspective, your experience. You sum up a hugely complex phenomenon so well in this sentence: "The same expressions or actions taken by one who is much larger than his classmates, versus by one who is average or even smaller, are interpreted very differently." Your entire piece speaks to the vast gulf that unconscious bias can create in fellow humans - against one another. This is such a real problem, with real consequences. (Something you know better than many.) Thank you for writing this. It's a very important piece, exemplifying a very important topic. Glad this found its way to a worthy TS ranking. Many people could benefit from reading this and understanding your experience. Keep up the positive strides for yourself. I know it doesn't mean much to say it that way. But I suppose what I mean is: You've got at least one new person in your corner, who sees your worth and comprehends your struggle. Rooting for you mate. 💙
Alex, this was an incredible read. So raw and honest. The entire reason I read is to discover stories like this. I’m the polar opposite of you—an exceptionally tiny female. People always thought I was much younger than my age. Your story was eye opening for me, because I never even considered what it might be like for the big kids. The grass is always greener. Reading your story, I was able to put myself in your shoes, and I was so angry for how people treated you as a child. I’m glad your parents stood up to the school on your behalf, even if the bullying continued. Yet, you’ve also given me a better understanding of myself, and why I was targeted as a child. I was so intellectually advanced that I didn’t fit in with my peers. I didn’t play like other children. And the adults saw this as a failing on my part, not being properly “socialized.” So when I was mercilessly teased just for standing out as different, adults allowed it. It was my fault for not doing a better job of being normal. Also, I was expected to be more emotionally mature just because I was intellectually advanced, which is much like people expecting you to be more emotional mature because you were physically bigger. It’s unfair. I was expected to “be the bigger person” no matter what. Thank you for writing this thought provoking piece. I’m glad to see it make Top Story. 🥂
POWERFUL STORY BLESS YOU KEEP DOING A GREAT JOB!!!💜