Allyship

I was recently asked to speak on a panel about allyship as part of IWD (International Women's Day). Here are some of my thoughts.

---

On allyship

Ally is a verb. Being an ally is active.

It's not passive. Not neutral. And it’s not done. It’s every day.

It’s about showing up, first and foremost, and then what you do once you're there.

This is part of why I like adding the term Justice to the standard DEIB acronym to form BJEDI! (Belonging, Justice, Equity, Diversity, and Inclusion). Plus, saying you want to "B a JEDI" is fun. If you aren't helping seek justice as an ally, then I don't think you're actually an ally.

Values to live by

I also have four values that I’ve adopted in life in general that I think apply very well to allyship.

1. Do no harm, and help to stop and prevent harm. This means we do unto others as THEY would have done unto THEMSELVES.
2. Contribute instead of competing. In other words, support from beside or behind but not in front. Shine a spotlight but not take it.
3. Build and show empathy. Listen, learn, and seek to understand. You can ask questions but maybe ask Google first.
4. Show gratitude. Echo and give credit.

These are guidelines for living a better life, in my opinion, but are imperative to being an ally.

Failure and measuring success

If doing no harm, helping stop and prevent harm, and building empathy are some of my main goals in allyship, how do I know I’m doing good?

They used to teach us in school as kids to do unto others as we would have done unto ourselves. That's a decent starting point, but we need to reframe that.

Do unto others as they would have done unto themselves.

In other words, I shouldn’t assume what’s good for me is going to be good for someone else, that’s for sure. And shouldn’t assume what’s good for others in general.

I should do my research. I should ask for feedback.

These are everyday things to navigate when you're learning a new skill. Do your research and ask for feedback. You will be wrong, and you will fail.

And through some of that discovery, you will uncover what you can do better. That’s part of learning.

This reframing, though, is one of the most helpful things I’ve done for myself in trying to be a better ally—remove my own ego from it. It’s not about me and what I want. It’s about helping, championing, and raising up others.

Another thing that deserves commenting on is the fear of failing, and how it manifests in other men I speak to about being an ally and showing support.

When I speak with other men about being allies, I often get responses along the lines of how they don’t think it’s their place to help with the issues of marginalized communities. Yet many of these same folks will acknowledge they hold power and privilege. Pointing this contradiction out to them often helps. Reminding them of Spider-man's uncle's famous words also helps: "With great power comes great responsibility." Jokes aside, if you have power and believe in equality and equity, then please do not put all the work on the marginalized communities to dig themselves out from under. Cede, trade, imbue, and give power.

To reiterate, you cannot be an ally without action. Being an ally inherently means you help seek justice. There is no such thing as a passive ally, in my opinion. That’s an oxymoron. You will fail, but that's normal, and I challenge you to accept the responsibility of building a better, more inclusive, and equitable society for all.