A Failing Mission And Looming Disaster

There was an idea. To achieve something that hadn't been achieved before. Maybe it was silly. But what did I have to lose? Doctors say I'm doomed.

When you're doomed by doctors, you tend to think about the things you haven't done yet. I suppose it's natural to do a lot of thinking when that happens. Mortality, especially when it's thrust upon you and you have to carry it for a while, is some heavy stuff.

So I find myself carrying this heavy load. It weighs on me regularly. But you have to play the cards you're dealt. So as I carry this, I started thinking of things I wanted to accomplish. They were my unfinished missions.

But I am not going to see the mission through to a successful outcome. As much as I'd have liked to see any of them through, it seems my mission list is doomed to fail. At some point, you have to stop barking up the same rotten tree. That's being pragmatic, I guess.

I still think the same things about the future. And I get asked by people how I'm doing with things. I put on a stoic facade and tell people it is what it is. But it weighs on me like carrying Mt. Rushmore on my back.

There are limited options looming in the future. And that is what it is. We can only control what we can control. Not everything is within our ability to get done. Reality has definitely started setting in.

So, the failed missions list. What's on it? What are the things I'm getting less likely to get done each day?

1. Be at peace.

It's not something I've ever been able to do. I admit, I'm closer now than I was twenty years ago. But to be at peace requires a couple of things. One of them is to have accepted the past. But there are some harsher-than-average things in the past. The second is to forgive. But not everything is closable. There are many chapters I'd like to go back and close, but it's hard to do without the chance to look the dead in the eye and forgive them for their sins.

2. Fall in love.

I've been there, but never with someone who felt the same. To my detriment, the first one did such a number on me that I've only given a couple of others a chance. And they were beyond messy. A couple of them could well be the basis of a hit t.v. movie, because what they brought to the table was that bad. Particularly because of my career in law enforcement.

3. See more of America, or the world.

Take it from someone who fucked around and waited too long. I found out. Those ideas and plans in your head, they need to be more of a priority. One day you may find you're no longer the same person, and can't do everything you could at 35.

4. Win a writing contest.

For all the talent and all the compliments I've gotten over the years, I haven't been able to do this. I've been chasing this dream for nearly seven years. It's like the lottery. You have to have the luck to write something that the judges feel something for to get that nod. And I'm not good enough to do that.

5. Receipts.

I have some receipts I won't likely get to deliver. They are things that I planned on settling before I leave this shitty world. But as luck would have it, based on what the doctors said about my last lab results, the clock is ticking faster now. I did sort of enter the period when I'd be on borrowed time more than a couple of months ago.

Five failing missions, and one impending disaster. That's what I've got left to look forward to.