Before marriage

I've been watching Love is Blind. Your girl here loves the drama, and honestly, to see if anyone makes it. I started thinking about marriage and how, in this experiment, you get engaged sight unseen. These involved people have around 6ish weeks to get to the altar and finally say, “I do.” One of the show's challenges is to live together for about four weeks. It was during this time the contestants figured out compatibility. This brings me to what I wanted to discuss before marriage. The conversations that seem to be lacking for quite a few couples, before they get to the best days of their lives. I was lucky, I had a trial-and-error marriage where I learned how I wanted to handle the next one.

My second (and final!) husband and I went through a mini premarital counseling (an app called Lasting, I recommend) and it helps you think of things you wouldn't otherwise have until it was a fight. This app walked through money goals, housework expectations, and even sex expectations. We started doing “weekly” check-ins, where we discussed things ahead of time. We moved away from weekly check-ins, and now do monthly check-ins on our date nights: where we touch base on our emotional connection, and make sure we are living up to the promises I made to each other.

So I recommend before marriage you talk about the following things;

How is housework going to be divided? Personally, my husband is not as immaculate with cleaning as me. Therefore I told him I would be in charge of cleaning, laundry and dishes. As long as he took more of the financal burden. I cook our dinners, and plan our weeks for food. I do the laundry (turns out this last check-in he needs the laundry done more, oops).

How will bills be divided? My husband and I divided the bills 60/40. We share the rent and all our groceries and bills go on one card we both have access to. We still have separate bank accounts and have talked about a joint account tfor savings.

When we have arguments, who is allowed to add their commentary to our lives? This was a hard one for me, I love asking my friends for advice. However, as my therapist said, a relationship is a house, and people can look into the house but they can't come in. So we made a promise to each other to make sure we talk to each other and not look for outside sources. Now occasionally, after have finished a discussion I have talked to people after the fact and they offer new insights; which I have found helpful. But for the most part, we talk just to each other. I'm very lucky to have a man who listens to me and even when I'm acting crazy he tries to see my viewpoint. He makes me feel heard and seen. I'm more emotional than him in general, but he handles it so well.

What is the timeline for big life events? When we got married, I had my kid from my previous marriage so we talked about his role as step-dad and what we wanted to do in regards to having another kid. We decided to wait two years to give us time as a newly married couple and have time with my kiddo (now our kiddo!)

This is not a comprehensive list but is a good jumping off point. I love being married, he is my best friend and we remember that first. I plan on writing more about the subject of tough conversations so stay tuned!