What Cheese Am I? A Search for the Self

Graduating college this past May has brought about something of an identity crisis in me. For the past four years, I have defined myself as a student, as a learner, as a theatre practitioner. Unfortunately, the churning of time has torn many of those things away from me. Covid-19 has ravaged the theatre world, and my own lack of talent barred me from any grad schools. So, who am I? The answer is not as simple as one would think, and by myself, I have had to do a lot of soul-searching in these past few months. I struggle to define myself without the presence of a physical environment. However, the Buzzfeed quiz What Cheese Are You has come to my rescue.

The very first task I was given on this rollercoaster of a journey was to pick a card game out of a selection of four: Uno, Go Fish, Solitaire, and Poker. Solitaire has always confused me, so I knocked that one out immediately. I eliminated Go Fish as well, since there are no actual fish involved in the game, and I dislike lying. I don’t know what brought me to choose Uno over Poker. Perhaps it was a flight of fancy, or perhaps there was something deep down in me that spiritually identified with Uno more so than Poker. Or maybe it was because I flipped a coin. Nonetheless, I selected Uno and went on with my life.

The second question threw me for a goddamn loop. I was asked which candy on a list of candies is my favorite, which is baffling, because the quiz is about cheese, not candy. Nevertheless, I pressed on. No to lollipops. Too much work. No to Reese’s. Peanut butter candy is the invention of the Devil himself. No to Skittles. My ex-girlfriend mixed a package into a jar of M&M’s and now I have trust issues. I’ve craved gummy bears for the past six months, so I chose them. God, I hope I made the right decision. Maybe I should’ve gone with Kit-Kats. After all, I, too, am very easy to break into many smaller pieces. No. I made the right choice. Moving on.

How would my friends describe me? Goddammit! How should I know? Friends? What are those? Do they mean Facebook friends? They only see the best of me. Real-life friends? Those aren’t real anymore. My mother? Is she a friend? Am I supposed to have so much self-awareness that I know exactly what my friends think of me all the time? That puts a lot of pressure on me. I panicked. Chose “Outgoing.” I haven’t left the house in eight months. I hope my friends don’t realize that, wherever they may be.

The next question had me pick a “song of the summer.” Summer didn’t exist. It’s just been eight months of March. I know none of these songs. Who the hell is “Lil Nas X”? Isn’t Taylor Swift the woman from the Cats movie? She doesn’t get my vote. That film was a nightmare. I closed my eyes. Clicked somewhere. Accidentally navigated to a page for knockoff Viagra. Clicked again. To this day, I don’t know what I chose.

It wanted me to pick a social media platform. “Elevated and Wooden” was not on the list for whatever reason. YouTube was an easy second choice. Where else would I find my videos of kittens sneezing? Wait, do they do that on TikTok? What the hell is TikTok? Now it wants me to choose the first letter of my damn name? Which name? First? Middle? Last? Pseudonym? My first name is Steven, but I went by Stevie when I was younger. Do they mean that? Does it matter? Why is this stressing me out so much? It’s a damn letter! Oh no, I chose Q. Do I have to change my name now? Am I Qteven now?

Do I wear glasses. Well, sometimes. I have a pair with blank lenses to make me look sexy at the bookstore. Does that count? I’m not wearing them right now. I wear glasses when I drive. Oh no. Oh dear. This is getting too much. Home stretch. I can do this. Just gotta come up with an answer. YES.

Calculating my results. It's calculating my results! Once and for all, I can know for certain who I am, through the lens of a cheese assigned to me by a mostly random online quiz. God, I hope I'm not Swiss. Imagine going through all this pain and confusion and winding up Swiss cheese. It's loading. It's loading!

I’m blue cheese. That’s disappointing.