Untested Solutions for Tomorrow's Problems

Ah, Spring. What a remarkable time of year, when the melt is in full bloom and the blossoms are in full buds, when the birds are chirping and the bees are buzzing, when the sheep are lambing lambs thanks to “the birds and the bees”, when the rabbits are copulating like rabbits to the soundtrack of chirps and buzzes through a sort of reverse anthropomorphism, and when, while all the little critters are getting down and dirty, you realize, on bended knee, scuzz brush in hand, that the Spring cleaning really ought to have been done during Winter so you could - instead of getting down and dirty in the kitchen - go voyeuristically watch your woodland neighbors bump uglies. Ah...Spring.

Salvation is at hand!

Beta Corps proudly presents “Spawn Plague-y Gone”, the one stop plop to your Spring cleaning. Our team of bioengineers assembled the ultimate clean machine through some good old-fashioned hard pseudoscience laced with moral ambiguity. At Beta Corps, we pride ourselves on employing the only the brightest minds to Play-Goh(d) . Here’s how the product works:

SPlyG begins its dormant life in a pair of jars, like your household two-component epoxy. When the vernal equinox approaches, plop a couple of dabs of Comp-A and Comp-B together and violà! SPlyG activates with a life of its own.

The science is simple: SPlyG is a symbiotic organism - half Acariformes and half Archaeplastida. In actual simplicity - half mite and half algae. Think of it as a microscopic swarm of spiders, but instead of your typical microscopic swarm of spiders, this one is permanently infested by a toxic algae bloom. Before passing harsh judgment on the algae, remember, this is a mutually altruistic symbiosis, not at all parasitic. Everybody wins, especially you, the consumer. SPlyG, the symbiotic hybrid, ensures no surface is left untouched. The omnivorous appetite and biomanufactured waste disposal system are a one-two punch to your soap scum and dust bunnies alike.

The imperceptible ravenous SPlyG mite scurries about gnawing on the less aggressive dust mites - which is to say, dust mites - and organically-questionable stove exhaust filter impediments. Meanwhile, like a turtle has a shell, the SPlyG mite carries that algae bloom. The mite’s defecatory process feeds the parasitic algae and the algae in turn synthesizes its waste in the form of oxygen, thereby freshening your household air supply. Say goodbye to the annual purchase of yet another houseplant doomed to demise in its first season. It all begins with just that one stop plop.

We at Beta Corps pride ourselves on products that work. We respect the intelligence of our customers. We would never try to sell a cleaning product that is environmentally friendly, oxygen-producing, unsupervised, unmanned and able to superannuate all the other tools in the average consumer's cleaning toolbox. So...

Let’s see some results!

Look at how dirty your carpet is after vacuuming! SPlyG won’t rest until it's satiated. The satiation gene has been removed by our laboratories to guarantee SPlyG never stops.

How about a wine stain? No problem! SPlyG metabolizes so quickly drunkenness is a physical impossibility. Can bleach claim to never be drunken?

Lots of old clothes saved for that one “special circumstance”? Analog photo albums too cumbersome to cloudify? Spare scraps of renovation materials thought to come in handy if only DIY didn’t mean Delay IndefinitelY? Beta Corps has you covered. Combined with our industrial strength shredder, SPlyG will breathe fresh air out of your stale side projects.

“Spawn Plague-y Gone” obviates that old world cleaning closest of yesteryear. In a way, that’s the first place it cleans once you replace everything else with the two unobtrusive jars of SPlyG. Try it today.

Notes:

• For faster results, use more, however Beta Corps reserves the right not to be held liable for infestations. Growth rate of SPlyG averages to four square micrometers per hour. Death rate of SPlyG is six square centimeter per month.
• Maximum size of individual SPlyG specimen undetermined.
• Speed and direction of probable mutations is currently under investigation by Beta Corps' Cause and Effect Section.
• Beta Corps' Medical Research Division deems all forms of paresthesias unscientific. Beta Corps reserves the right to plead ignorance in the face of all "skin crawling" complaints.
• Beta Corps reserves the right to assume SPlyG won't acquire a taste for human flesh. The Medical Research Division strongly suggests a consumer pumices his/her entire epidermis daily and in the room farthest from the bedroom.
• Beta Corps recommends keeping rat poison on hand between the vernal and autumnal equinoxes.
• Stay tuned for Beta Corps' SPlyG flamethrower!

Beta Corps: “Untested Solutions for Tomorrow’s Problems”