Unintended Consequences

Little did I realize at the time what the far-reaching effects would be of my little “clean up” on Facebook. The latest revamp of the Facebook platform was putting more and more ads directly in my feed, and few of them mattered to me in the least. Eventually, I clicked on one, dove deeper, and saw an option to Change Ad Preferences? Why, yes, I will, thank you. Fewer simple actions have caused such tectonic plate shifts in so little time.

I spent maybe 15 to 20 minutes culling out useless categories that had no appeal, thinking that if I left Facebook with far fewer categories, then I would surely see fewer ads, and the rare ad I did have to suffer through would at least be of some remote interest. Silly me. Shortly after making these changes, I saw an ad for the most amazing new product I recalled seeing in several years: Behold! The Windshield Wow™! Such a simple concept, but if you have ever owned a minivan or SUV, and had to move through several challenging yoga poses while trying to maintain constant and even pressure on the glass with the back of your non-dominant hand, well, then you know. This gadget is a game-changer. But wait, there’s more.

While watching the video, in which the actor mocks our mortal efforts with the sheer simplicity of simultaneously cleaning both the outside and inside of the windshield, all while standing comfortably outside the car, I had a sudden “light-bulb” moment. I could use this same tool to clean my shower stall too. And then, the real magic, as my mind’s eye jumped out of the shower over to the three bay windows in the master bath. Eureka! I could now clean both sides of every window of my house, without a ladder. Every homeowner knows that particular pain, which ranks up top, on par with rain-gutter cleaning, on the treacherous homeowner’s scale of self-inflicted injury.

And the magic didn’t end there; if I can clean the windows that easily, and safely, then I can just as easily apply a little RainX™ afterward. With all the time I saved skipping the ladder, right? Now I’m cooking with oil, because my windows will stay cleaner, longer. Back on Facebook later...What’s the rumbling sound, off in the distance? This ad sound’s neat. I know from endless experience that I can clay bar, polish, and wax my car until I’m blue in the face, and those pesky water spots just won’t budge. This new potion lotion claims to just melt water spots away with no more than my finger and some gentle rubbing. Boom! Add to cart now so it arrives by the weekend.

Odd, there was neither rain nor storms in the forecast, but again with the rumbling noise. What’s this Facebook ad about? A mystical, ceramic pixie dust that controls ions, and practically chases away dirt and mud, seemingly impervious to grime. My God, if I clean my car, my shower, and my home’s windows with the Windshield Wow™, and hone them to a brilliant shine with the water spot remover, and then apply my new ceramic magic elixir, my entire biosphere will be dust free and shiny clean for at least six months. Organic farmers near and far will pay me to come fetch the dirt that will collect neatly at the edge of my property. If nothing sticks to anything around me, I may have the answer to COVID prevention as well. I’ve discovered an invisible mask that lasts up to six months, and it’s available to every citizen, with just a few clicks. All other influencers will bow down in honor of me, the Pandemic Solver. I can see Malcolm Gladwell dedicating his next book to me. East Room White House? I will be there. This is amazing. And all these accomplishments and well-deserved glory will follow from a few clicks, just adding stuff to my cart.

Again, with the rumbling. I look out the window to sunny skies, and I see three different delivery trucks piled up in our cul-de-sac. That looks like work, walking up my drive, looking for me. What else might I find online to make my life easier? Ooh, what is THAT?