Someone Needs a Hug

This isn’t what you think.

This isn’t an article about how I don’t do hugs.

Well, maybe just a little. But it’s mostly a light-hearted piece about creepy behaviour on the internet.

Some jackass decided to write an article and add my name at the top to make it look like I wrote it. WTF.

Call me old fashioned but I think that this is unacceptable behaviour.

The article was titled “13 Different Types of Hugs and What They Actually Mean.”

You’ll have to forgive me for not providing a link to the original piece.

I’ll gladly call someone out for stupid behaviour but I’d never dox anyone — I may be a grumpy arse but I’m not a complete monster.

The article included pictures of people giving different types of hugs and a badly-written explanation. They even gave each hug a name.

Sorry, I just threw up a bit in my mouth.

It was pretty terrible. But the most disturbing thing about it, for me at least, was the lengths that they’d gone to to pass it off as my writing.

They even embedded my name in the title of the piece so that if you searched for my name you’d find their article.

People mention you in articles in the hopes that you’ll look at them. That’s annoying enough. But in this case it was a deliberate attempt to mislead people into thinking that I’d written it.

When you view the article on a search page it looks like I’m the author.

Creepy much? I didn’t write the piece. I don’t even do hugs!

I’ve no idea why anyone would want people to think that I’d written something of theirs — but I guess that was the plan.

So I left them a comment.

Do you think I overreacted with my response? I think I nailed it.

Some people might suggest that James is a little angry.

I’m not just offended that they tried to rip me off. I’m also offended that they had the nerve to associate me with something so cringeworthy as an article about hugs.

Me.

Hugs.

I DON’T DO HUGS!

There’s a reason that I don’t do hugs — this cartoon isn’t it

I once told a very dear friend that I don’t do hugs. She said: “That’s exactly why you need them.”

She’s right, of course, but that’s not the point.

There’s a perfectly good reason that I don’t do hugs — or a bunch of average ones depending on how you look at it.

I’m English, British, and northern. This makes me naturally predisposed to being one of the least huggy people on the planet.

I’m also from Yorkshire. We subsist on a steady diet of tea and disappointment. So I don’t do hugs but I do at least make tea — which you’ve got to admit is way better than a hug.

Let’s just say that hugging doesn’t come naturally to me.

How do you hug someone who doesn’t want to be hugged?

Here are some detailed instructions on how to hug me:

Don’t.

I’m socially awkward, don’t like people invading my personal space, and don’t know what to do when someone goes in for a hug.

Should I run away? Poke them in the eyes? Try to make them sneeze?

Usually I just freeze on the spot, cringe whilst they hug me, and wait for them to stop.

If you ever manage to hug me in real life and I don’t freeze like a bunny in headlights then, I dunno, feel special or something.

It’s ok to embrace your inner child or your inner goth — they could probably do with a hug — but as a general rule leave other people alone unless invited.

Wait. That’s vampires, right?

Well, this is awkward

People frequently assume that I need a hug.

I have a face made for radio and a voice made for the Shipping Forecast but that never seems to stop people from wanting to hug me.

If anything it just seems to make them more determined.

It’s not like I never give hugs or never need a hug — I just have a rich inner life and can live without any human contact whatsoever for at least a month before I start to go a little weird.

You know how it is: Today you need a hug. Tomorrow you don’t want any human contact. Try to keep up, everyone.

Once when I tried to tell someone that I don’t do hugs and a friend helpfully chimed in with: “You’ve given me hugs before, you lying shit!”

I secretly give good hugs — I just need to be ready for it.

Maybe warn me beforehand. Write me a letter. Give me time to leave the country.

Maybe I should launch a hug gift card so that people can send each other hugs in the mail.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for sending virtual internet hugs to people on social media — just so long as, you know, I don’t have to touch any of you in real life.

Please hold me

I’m more annoyed by this than I’m letting on.

It doesn’t feel so great to have your name used by some random weirdo on the internet.

I’m even tempted to write a follow-up piece, mocking their piece, in which I attempt to guess what each hug means just from the pictures that they used.

Would you read that? Should I write it?

That said, I do understand the desire to get people to read your work. Just maybe achieve that by writing something worth reading instead of playing dirty tricks on people just to get them to click on your links.

I’d taken a break from writing so I was a bit annoyed to be dragged back into it.

It’s pretty anxiety-inducing to be honest.

You know the feeling when you finally dip your toe in the water and start writing again but immediately need a hug?

Well, that.

Sometimes I secretly wish the universe would give me a big hug and tell me that everything’s going to be ok. In a manly, stoic way of course.

My general advice for writers has always been pretty clear:

No-one gives a shit about your blog. It doesn’t matter. Just write. Stop looking for hugs.

Don’t look to others for approval, advice, thanks, praise or directions. Or to tell you who you are. They’re good for hugs. That’s about it.

I also say that although your suggestions and hugs are always welcome I don’t do hugs and it’s probably best to keep your opinions to yourself.

What do you mean James is a little angry?

For what it’s worth, the account of the person who wrote the article was found to be in violation of the rules and has since been suspended.

After all this drama I think I need a hug. Tell no-one.

James Garside is an independent journalist, author, and travel writer. Join Chapter 23 for the inside track on all their creative projects and insights about life, work, and travel.