How to Have Control Over a Conversation Without Having to Say Much

My companion and I sat in the restaurant booth for half an hour, waiting to converse. Having a question posed to you. It's humbling to be acknowledged at all. However, the individual across from us, a friend with whom we were enjoying a dinner, fully monopolized the conversation, delivering his thoughts, opinions, and stories in a monologue. We were there to share our life tales in turn, but when he was finished, he immediately rose up and walked out the door to go to work. My friend and I just stared at each other, completely taken aback. Then my friend remarked something that has stayed with me all these years: "He who speaks, controls."

That sentence had always been true to me. It's everywhere - at networking gatherings, clubs, and, more recently, political arguments. Whoever is the loudest, most verbose, and most dramatic has the upper hand. Those who put up a show are awarded points.

However, as someone who values curiosity, dialogue, and a healthy interchange of differing viewpoints, I've often wondered if this was necessary. Is there anything we can do other than sit there and nod quietly till the whole thing is through when a conversation feels off-balance? Is it possible to reclaim control?

There is, as it turns out. I learnt a social approach that can quickly redistribute the power in any conversation after visiting hundreds of networking events and co-founding two digital firms that help people interact with one another. It's what I refer to as cognitive incision.

Simply by asking a question, cognitive incision allows you to change a discourse. But it's not just any question. A query that gets to the heart of the matter. Consider the word "incision," which in surgery refers to a cut into something, most commonly flesh. It's precise, tidy, and efficient.

Let me give you an illustration. In a video, Andrew Sobel, author of Power Questions: Build Relationships, Win New Business, and Influence Others, described a customer who "wouldn't stop his angry denunciations of a group of people in his organization." Sobel finally interjected with a question. He requested that the client speak with him about the changes he desired from those managers. "It changed the discourse from a bad tirade to a pleasant dialogue," Sobel explained. That's what cognitive incision is all about.

Another example comes from Dowager Countess, a character on Downton Abbey who utilizes well-timed wit and sharp questions to put a stop to viewpoints she thinks unimportant. When the family sat down to supper one night, her son Matthew Crawley informed that he had gotten a job. When Matthew says he'll be accessible on weekends, the Dowager inserts a carefully disguised cognitive incision, "What is a 'week-end'?" to reset the discourse.

In a group context, you could utilize cognitive incision. You've probably observed how your coworkers become more conversational when your supervisor is there. When people are apprehensive or eager to impress others, they tend to speak more, making it tough to get a word in. This situation is perfect for mental slicing. If someone is monopolizing the conversation, divert a question to the supervisor or another member of the group, asking for their thoughts on the subject ("Yes, Steve, but Danielle, I'm curious what your thoughts are on this.") Your thoughtfulness, as well as your boldness, will be noticed by your supervisor.

The dangling carrot in front of the speaker is this diverting question. The speaker has three choices: 1) continue speaking without responding to your question; 2) answer to the question; or 3) listen to others talk. In the first two scenarios, whether the speaker ignores the question directly or usurps the floor once more, they appear aloof, avoidant, or dominant, none of which are appealing to the audience. The third alternative is the best, as people recognize that hearing only one person's perspective on anything rapidly becomes tedious.

To employ cognitive incision, you must pay great attention to the speaker, follow their comments, and anticipate their next move. The precision with which you phrase your query is critical. It cannot be reduced to a simple, easily ignored, or insignificant level. It should be timely and relevant. Maybe it'll be amusing. In people's thoughts, it should act as a curiosity detonator.

Studying cognitive incision has taught me that being influential does not need being the loudest person in the room. To appear powerful, you don't have to talk over others. To appear significant, you don't have to dominate the conversation. Indeed, Harvard researchers discovered "a solid and persistent association between question-asking and liking: those who ask more questions are better liked by their discussion partners" across three investigations.

It makes no difference how many times you talk, how many anecdotes you tell, or how many laughs you get. Authentic inquiries are what important, and they are truly powerful. It's what leads to enlightening, balanced, and vibrant discussions with a wide range of viewpoints. It also ensures that the topic is not dominated by loud-mouthed extroverts.