Follow the DEAR MAN Technique to Assert Yourself Confidently

I have always been really bad at asserting my own needs.

I am one of those people who would say yes to every request because they can not say no and then I almost always regret my decision.

Often, in such circumstances, I develop resentment towards the other party for taking advantage of me, when the truth is that most of the times they are not even aware of my negative feelings.

Even in my close relationships, I find it difficult to express my desires.

Over time, I have come to realize that my fear of rejection that is stemming from my anxious preoccupied attachment style. It is the major root cause of anxiety-driven, people-pleasing behavior.

As a result of this fear, I find it extremely difficult to engage in any conflicting opinions even when there is no evidence to suggest that expressing myself would lead to rejection.

Dialectical Behavioral Therapy

While reading about interpersonal effectiveness, recently I came across the concept of DEAR MAN in Dialectical Behavioral Therapy.

Dialectical Behavioral Therapy has been defined as “a type of cognitive-behavioral therapy where the main goals are to teach people how to live in the moment, develop healthy ways to cope with stress, regulate their emotions, and improve their relationships with others.”

Dr. Marsha Linehan, an American psychologist is given credits for developing DBT. As a teenager, she suffered from suicidal ideations, frequent self-harm, and borderline personality disorder.

Her struggles with emotional dysregulation and mental distress motivated her to develop the modules of Dialectical Behavioral Therapy.

While DBT is seen as the most effective treatment for borderline personality disorder, it has also been used as an effective tool for issues that threaten a person’s safety and emotional well-being.

One of the four modules of DBT is interpersonal effectiveness.

This module deals with teaching clients to become more assertive in a relationship, while at the same time maintaining positive and healthy boundaries.

You will learn to listen and communicate more effectively, deal with challenging people, and respect yourself and others.

DEAR MAN Technique

DEAR MAN is one of the exercises for the module.

This exercise can be used to resolve conflict, assert yourself, and make a difficult request in a way that is more effective and respectful towards yourself and the other person.

D E A R M A N is an acronym, with each letter representing its own skill.

1: Describe

Here, this step involves describing the situation in an objective manner.

You only need to give the facts as they are. The example we would take is that your friend is late for the appointment.

Begin with the facts.

You were late for the meeting today.

2: Express

Now, you need to express how you felt when the situation happened.

Instead of blaming the other person, own the responsibility for your emotions.

You can do this with the help of I-statements. I-statements is a style of communication where the speaker is focusing on what they felt, instead of attributing their feelings to the characteristics of the listener.

Here, instead of saying that you upset me whenever you are late, continue with what you felt as a result of their tardiness.

I feel so annoyed whenever you come late because you make me wait for so long.

This would ensure that the listener does not feel personally attacked by you.

3: Assert

You do need to get aggressive to assert yourself. You just need to directly say what you need to say, without beating around the bush.

By explicitly expressing your needs, you would actually be able to help people to support you.

I would appreciate it if you call me in advance if you are going to be late.

4: Reinforce

In order to reward the listener so that they keep your message in mind, a positive note such as a smile or a simple thank you could be given.

However, this needs to be provided only if they follow the message.

Other than this, you can reinforce the listener in advance by stating your gratefulness for following your message.

If you can call me before, I would not have to leave early and wait here. It would save me from the harsh sun.

5: Mindfulness

There is always a possibility of the other person losing their cool and verbally attacking you.

In such a circumstance, hold your ground and ignore the attacks. Stay mindful of the goal of communication and do not get distracted from the topic.

There are two ways to deal with this.

1. The first way is acting like a broken record where you continuously stay stuck to your topic. Even if the other person diverts, continue to talk about the topic.
2. The second is just to ignore the personal attacks and refuse to respond to them.

I would still prefer a call if you are going to be late.

6: Appear confident

Even if confrontations are scary and uncomfortable for you, you can always appear confident.

In order to look confident, remove words such as ‘I think’, ‘perhaps’, and ‘maybe’.

Stand straight and maintain eye contact. Use silence and speak calmly, and slowly so you do not make any mistakes.

7: Negotiate

As mentioned in this article, “the ideal outcome is where both parties feel like they have won. This means listening to the other person.”

Interpersonal communication is a process where you are expressing yourself, instead of trying to dominate the other person. Therefore, it becomes essential to be open to the other person’s suggestions and advice.

As long as the listener is respectful, you can always come in midway to deal with the conflict.

I can wait for 10 minutes, however, you have to call if you are late than that.

Final Thoughts

DEAR MAN technique is a wonderful exercise that is used extensively to teach people about interpersonal effectiveness.

Not only are you able to express yourself with the help of these skills, but at the same time preserve your relationship.

To summarize, next time you need to confront someone, keep the acronym DEAR MAN in your mind.

D — Describe the situation.

E — Express how you feel.

A — Assert yourself.

R — Reinforce your request.

M — Mindfulness.

A — Appear confident.

N — Negotiate.

This would really help you communicate yourself effectively.