A Whoopi Cushion For The Mind

I have stumbled upon a revolutionary new way of thinking about the world. It’s the perfect subject to tackle as I transition to a more light-hearted and less preachy series of writings. A perfect start to those who just want to laugh. No more serious speak; it’s time to buckle down and take things more lightly. NOW PAY ATTENTION DAMMIT!

Like your Mum, Positivity Is Easy.

My recent endeavour into comedy writing has wielded an unexpected change to my perceptions of day to day situations. It has made me change my outlook and reaction to the world because I have replaced looking on the positive side – with looking at the comedic side. Looking at the positive side of everything is too easy. Did you have a bad day at work? You still have a payday on the way. Has someone kicked you in the junk? At least they weren’t wearing steel-capped boots. Have you been kidnapped by a psychopath and are trapped in the pit in their basement? Hey, at least you still have your skin! The point is positivity is as easy as ignoring science and believing the world is flat.

Do Kids Eat That Much Anyway?

How many times have you heard people revert to this cliché?

“I don’t have it that bad, there are children around the world that are starving.”

To them, I say how dare you! Starving kids isn’t a positive you monster. Go to your kitchen right now, wrap up as much food as you can, box it up and postmark it to Hungry. The only thing I am more certain of than that being a place in need of food is my inability to know anything about geography. The point is I know you would get more out of life thinking about something funny over something seemingly positive.

I Should Invent A Better Denture Glue

We as humans just don’t want to feel positive all the time. But there is always room for laughter no matter how miserable. I can guarantee even the most miserable person in the world, whose only intention for that day is to be miserable – will laugh. Whether they spot someone falling into a storm drain. Notice an elderly person admiring a baby only to accidentally sneeze blast their false teeth out their mouth, or the sight of a baby with a full set of adult-sized teeth. That miserable bastard will laugh at something. Comedy trumps misery.

It Could Have Been Worse, You Could Have Been Naked.

There is also a hidden benefit I found interesting. Using your brain to mine terrible situations for comedy distracts you from the terrible situation. It diverts enough mental anguish to help think a little clearer and react a little better. For example. You wake up on the wrong side of the bed because A) – you were drinking last night and B) – it’s your neighbours’ bed because you forgot which was your house again. Yes, there are starving children. Yes, a landslide somewhere has wiped an entire village from the map, you are technically still winning. But looking for comedy in the situation will help you to relax. The comedy of this scenario is built right in because the shit you did on the floor is now your neighbour's problem.

That’s an easy one. Let’s ramp it up a little.

You wake up inside your neighbours’ house, but instead of a turd, there is a puddle of blood. Obviously, a hard situation to extract comedy from. If you cannot mine any comedy from this scenario because your brain is filled with blurry images of screaming and cries for help – try anyway. Distracting your mind with the search for comedy will naturally calm it down enough so you can ignore the meat-cleaver covered in your fingerprints and react to the situation with a clear and stoic mind. Yay, I have finally found a niche - self-help advice for serial killers.

An Excrement Evacuation Incident Didn’t Have The Same Ring To It.

The only warning I can give is to air on the side of caution in some scenarios. A close friend of mine recently had a baby. Their excitement lends itself to all sorts of wonderful new experiences to share about the miracle of a newborn. I received a message last night that said, “I have just experienced my first shitsplosion.” I answered, “Congratulations, now you will know what to do when the baby has one.” A little risky when the kid is only a few days old, and the mother is tired, but it made me laugh. However, it probably just served as a reminder to her that she was covered in shit.

Sometimes just keeping the comedy to ourselves and laughing about it inside our heads is enough to get the benefits from this new mindset. Think of this new revolutionary way of thinking as a Whoopee cushion for your mind. I mean, you don’t want to see someone walking down the street and suddenly slip on a banana peel, burst into a fit of laughter, unaware they have just died from a traumatic head wound.

It’s like my Grandma used to say when we were kids. There is nothing funny about watching someone die - unless you have been asked to attend the lethal injection of a clown.

Thank you for your time.

Atlas Thunderbaux