17 and Pregnant

17 years ago during the last massacre, I vividly remember walking the sidewalks of Maryland tip toeing around large and lifeless Cicadas. Unlike children now a days, 10 year old me was not impressed with theses creatures, and I was FAR from curious about learning more about them. I have been awaiting their return since then, and I dread the periodical insects that come around in smaller quantities during our yearly summers.

Over the last year I have been warning non-native residents about the fact that they are "not ready" for what is about to come. And as it turns out, I was way more right than I wanted to be. Cicadas, though harmless, have tortured the lives of the people who are not used to the bug, and have resurfaced the anxiety of the people who remember what it was like in 2004. Only this time around, it's worse.

If these trillions of cicadas were smarter we would all be screwed. Their sole purpose is to live, screw, and die. So when you find a Cicada on you making its mating noise and contracting its body...you're getting screwed. The result? Pregnant Cicadas after their last 17 years of underground life. To top it all off the male Cicadas are "cock blocking" other male cicadas by infecting them with Massospora Cicadina. Or as we are calling it, Cicada STD's.

Basically this means that some of the male Cicadas are officially part of the LGBTQ community, as the fungus confuses infected male Cicadas into mating with other males who mimic female mating calls and then become infected. This could very well effect the number of Cicadas that emerge 17 years from now, since less females will be laying eggs if the males are mating with each other. I am no entomologist, but I do know where I will not be living during the next go round.

For now, I have come to the rescue with a few tips and preventative measures to help you survive these last couple of weeks, because lives of humans are officially at stake.

Tip #1: ROLL UP YOUR WINDOWS. During the Summertime, having my windows rolled down with my favorite music playing is a major part of my mental health regime. But my mental health and someone else's day will automatically be disrupted if a Cicada lands on me while I am on the road. They already have a short lifespan, and a Cicada flying blindly into someone's car is an automatic death sentence for them. Consider this tip as my official vote to have "Save a Cicada, Save a Life" written on the electronic boards across the major highways. Just roll up your windows.

Tip #2: Headphones. Whatever it is that you use to listen to your entertainment, use it more. I wake up between 5:00 AM and 6:00 AM daily with the birds...and now the Cicadas. The sound is known to reach various decibels of intensity, and if you are in an area where it is "deafening", you might benefit from using headphones during the day while they are actively calling others to mate. I swear I can hear them 24/7, but that is more of my own personal problem.

Tip #3: Keep your pets safe, specifically your dogs. Your pups are curious animals, and if there are humans that love the taste of Cicadas, I am sure that your dogs do too. There is only so much you can do about this, depending on where you live and how busy your area is buzzing with the insects. But be cognizant of any shells lying around that Cicadas have shed. These shells can harm the stomach lining in your animals, so just be aware of your surroundings when you walk them or let them out!

I hope these tips and preventative measures bring your anxiety some comedic relief as we celebrate the last half of PRIDE month with not only pregnant, but gay Cicadas!