When Did We Become Such Cowards?

Okay, so maybe that’s a little harsh, a tad presumptuous. I will also accept that it’s a fairly broad statement to make, and of course I understand it isn’t all-encompassing, we're not *all* cowards. However, related to my experience over the last year, it’s also pretty bang on. We, as a society, seem to no longer engage in hard conversations in person. We no longer hold healthy debates about conflicting opinions, in person. We stopped telling each other when something is bothering us, or hard, or incompatible… in person. We stopped telling people they have food in their teeth! So I’ll ask it again, when did we become such cowards?

Over the last 2 years, I have entered the world of on-line everything. I am looking for a job, online. I am looking for a partner, online. I am booking meetings and interviews and doctors visits, and dates - you guessed it - online. Some of it is Covid, sure, but a lot of it is simply the time we live in. Everything is accessible from our homes so long as we have a phone or a computer. We don’t have to go out, we don’t have to interact face to face, we don’t have to establish or maintain any sort of physical presence if we don’t want to. And with that, comes the inevitable, we also don’t have to be physically accountable.

When I first started on-line dating, I was a little taken aback by the prevalence of fake accounts and unsolicited advances; but was able to ignore most of it. What I had more trouble with, was dealing with the ghosting. Meeting someone, engaging in conversation, perhaps talking on the phone, some got so far as meeting in person. Only to then be met with silence. No explanations, no contact. Just a click of a button and they no longer exist. No accountability for their feelings or actions and certainly no respect given for my feelings. Sadly, I also became accustomed to this as part and parcel of on-line dating. When we’re at a reduced risk of running into someone, it’s so much easier to avoid the awkward conversation and risk any potential of a negative interaction. I know there are a few breakups in my past I would have happily avoided had the opportunity been presented. But would I have? I sure hope not.

Here’s what I wasn’t prepared for. What I refuse to accept as the new normal. Potential employers are now behaving in the same fashion that we’ve become accustomed to experiencing in on-line dating. Now, let me preface this by saying I am not so delusional that I expect every company that I forward my resume to, to respond. Companies are seeing hundreds of applicants, there is simply no reasonable way to manage that number and be able to reply to every submission. What I do expect, however, is that once you have made personal or physical contact with me, there is a mutual feeling of respect, and a degree of empathy between us. Empathy for my situation; no-one likes to be on the job search, we would all much rather be in happy, healthy, successful positions. Empathy for my feelings; imagine being contacted by someone for a job, and then left wondering why you didn’t get it. Respect for my time. It seems there is very little recognition here for the job seeker; their time is somehow less valuable because they are the ones who want what you are offering. Which is complete bull, but I don’t think I should really need to tell anyone that, should I?

But let’s get back to those feelings. Once I’ve met with you, I have presented myself not only in terms of my work experience, but my actual person. We are not so naïve to think that an interview isn’t at least partially a personality check. If it wasn’t about the person, we would never have interviews. People would be hired based on their resume and their credentials and nothing more. But business, all business, depends on people in some form or another and in that respect, personalities matter. I will debate this all day. There is no job that at some point will not have an interaction with someone else, and the outcome of those interactions will always hinge largely on the compatibility of the involved personalities. So yes, interviews are about judging personalities, character, the ability to fit in with the existing personalities and culture. Now, some of you will say that what other people think doesn’t matter, and you would be right in most situations. Except that when you’re trying to get someone to hire you, what they think is quite literally the only thing that matters. So in this instance, I need to know what someone else thinks. Now, yes, I’m an over-thinker and would do well to not analyze everything so much. But I’m also a person who needs to know if there are areas I can change that are within my control, or if there was simply a reason beyond my control. More than likely, my experience was just shy of another applicant. But if it wasn’t… how am I supposed to know where I need to improve?

Well... tell me! And tell me yourself. If I have invested my time with you, one of the biggest insults to me, and I surmise, to most people, is having someone I have not interacted with, tell me I didn’t get the job. I’m sure you’re very busy, but if you had the time to meet with me and interact with me and establish a rapport with me, you can make the time to have a 5 minute phone call with me to tell me yourself and allow me the opportunity to ask why. I gave you my time, please don’t insult me by sending someone else to deliver the disappointing news. Especially when that person can’t then answer my questions. That’s akin to having your friend break up with your boyfriend. It’s cowardly.

Is it uncomfortable and unpleasant to tell someone they weren’t chosen? That, speaking bluntly, they weren’t good enough? Of course it is! But can we try to remember what it was like on the other side of the job search? The waiting and the wondering and the inevitable self-doubt or criticism. Those things can eat away at a person when they are left in the abyss of the unknown. I’ve been told numerous times, “At least you’re getting the interviews, be happy about that!” But really, I’d almost prefer to not have the interviews. When I’m not getting the calls it’s very easy to write off the rejection, they said no to my piece of paper, my experience… once I’ve been called, (for the most part) my experience has been deemed acceptable. Now it’s up to my character. It’s incredibly difficult to not take things personally, once you have been engaged in a personal interaction. Unless of course, you’re told otherwise.

Tell me that my experience with excel was lacking over another candidate. Tell me there was a concern over the length of time I’ve been out of the workforce. Tell me that you simply didn’t feel like I would fit in with the culture or the image the company wants to convey. I am not for everyone. I know that. I accept that. I won’t cry and whine and tell you I can change, I will thank you for being upfront and honest. Because then at least I know. And knowing, can make all the difference.

So please, stop being afraid to hurt my feelings. Stop being afraid of the confrontation. Let’s remember what it was like to wait for that call, to want that job, and empathize with those feelings of anxiety or excitement or nervousness. Let’s remember that the people you’re speaking to are people. Let’s get back to having those hard conversations, because I promise you, the one I’m imagining is way worse.

Sincerely,

A very tired but damn committed job seeker.