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Unmasking The Crippling Chains From My Past

Revisiting childhood trauma of being left behind in hopes of understanding and healing from insecurities

By Lady EPublished 2 years ago 4 min read
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Unmasking The Crippling Chains From My Past
Photo by Bryson Hammer on Unsplash

In 1974, both my parents migrated from Jamaica to Canada in hopes of a better future. They left behind three children in doing so — my older sister was 8, my younger brother was 2, and I was 5. And though not much changed in terms of our living arrangements — we lived with our paternal grandmother as we already did, their leaving shattered our world and would change all of us forever.

My parents’ absence was a significant turning point in my life. Not only were they no longer a part of our lives, but they were no longer a part of our emotional and social lives.

My grandmother provided food, shelter, and clothes, but she was a strong disciplinarian who did not spare the rod to spoil the child. She managed the household with an ardent iron fist. She had cemented rules; you either follow them or pay the consequence, which often meant the belt. As much as I genuinely love my grandmother, there was not much balance; it was either her way or the belt-way.

Some rules were don’t leave the house, hold your head straight whenever out and about, don’t talk to anyone — except for some cousins (she shunned other cousins so weren't to speak with them); only going to church, school, library, and home.

Oh yes, don’t make a mess of the house; tidied the house every day, beds made, dishes washed, clothes neatly folded, house swept, and the yard immaculately sept.

These rules did not leave any room for us to explore our world. So, we grew up very sheltered and afraid of the world.

We needed much more than rules, though; we needed love, security, safety, understanding, friends, and a voice.

As a result of this experience, I went through several emotional setbacks. I felt more lonely, and I was more isolated from my peers. I was often the target of bullies. And suffered a great deal from name-calling — puss eyes, no teeth, and suck finger are the ones I vividly remember.

I started to view myself as not as necessary as others. I would never achieve what others had already achieved because I didn’t think I was good enough. My self-esteem took a huge hit, and it took me years to recover.

By the time I was in primary school at age 6, I was already self-conscious and awkward. As a baby, I endured many obstacles that already set me back two years. Further, because of my illness, scars from an hospital ordeal, eye color, and now different because I don’t have parents. And so, the feeling of being different was profoundly affecting.

I felt like I was the only person in the world who did not have parents, and I often tried to make myself go unseen and unheard. Culturally, children are to be seen and not heard; I took this saying literally.

I made sure that I never asked questions, that I never spoke up. I wanted to be invisible. It made me feel safe, although it also caused me to become quiet and shy.

I became timid, and I was afraid of being judged. I was always concerned that I would be found out for being different. I was scared of what other people thought about me.

One of the most traumatic things a child could ever have to endure is growing up without parents.

Too often, parents make decisions genuinely they think are in the interest of a better life. And sometimes, they are. Other times, not so much.

Unfortunately, when children are involved, these decisions have a lasting impact on them that will follow them well into adulthood.

A child separated from their parents causes pain, and their world changes overnight.

Studies show that not only do they lose their parents, but they are also cut off from a sense of safety, security, and love. Their world becomes suddenly much more frightening and disorienting. Their feelings of self-importance and self-worth plummet, and a sense of worthlessness and loneliness start to set in. They feel more fragile and at risk than they ever have before. They become incredibly vulnerable to the outside world.

It is like I was not equipped with the internal resources to handle my new environment.

Over the years, I found myself going through a series of self-discoveries. I slowly realized that the experiences I had faced were not unique to me. I now realize that many of my peers also faced similar situations. I learned how to accept myself and my experiences, becoming more comfortable within my skin and journey.

As I got older, I started to realize that there was nothing wrong with me. My path was simply different. I was different.

I finally felt a sense of comfort and belonging, and now more often, I allow myself to be vulnerable, open and honest.

Subsequently, I learned to cope with my feelings of difference. I came to realize that feeling different was not a bad thing. It was nothing to be ashamed of because it is not unique only to me. It was my unique way of experiencing the world, my unique way of interacting with people.

Eventually, I found ways to cope with my parent’s absence. I began to discover ways to love myself. I learned to embrace my uniqueness. I began to appreciate that I was different, and my journey to self-love and self-discovery, though unusual as it may be, was and is worth it.

humanity
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About the Creator

Lady E

A Pastor's wife, a mom of two, a passionate Sunday school teacher, and a Human Resources Professional, I hope my words empower readers to find their place in the extraordinary story of life and enjoy the gift of living a life of purpose.

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