Driving for Uber can be fantastic. Think about a job where you make your own hours, listen to music the whole time, and cash out instantly. These are just some of the benefits of driving for Uber. The real treasures are all the interesting people you can meet while making money. Here are just a few of the customers I've experienced that really stood out among the rest.
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The Frat Boy (Warning: this story gets graphic and involves bodily fluids.)
I picked up a young college guy who seemed like a sharp and athletic fellow. Halfway through the trip, he takes a phone call. It's his friend from England and he's delighted to finally have time to chat. This is the conversation, to the best of my memory:
“So, like, yeah. I joined a frat. They keep us locked in the basement when we don't have classes and play that Kill Bill whistle on repeat. Yeah, it's for like two weeks. No mate, I got no idea what day it is. They keep our schedules and tell us when our classes start. There's no clocks or anything. Yeah, we just finished the first hazing initiation. Yeah, I got picked so I'm done. I just gotta wait till the second week is over now. Well, they gave me the option that I could either drink a gallon of milk or take a dump on someone's chest. So I thought like, drinking that much milk would probably like damage my kidney and bladder, so I decided to poop on the guy's chest. Yeah, mate, they gave me like a bunch of laxatives to drink, but I still couldn't go. Everyone was just staring at me and I tried for like an hour. They said I passed cause I tried so hard so yeah, I'm good now. Okay, mate, I'm almost back at the dormitory so I'll talk to you next week.”
He then exited the car. I went home and tried to unsuccessfully drink that story out of my head.
Wait, you're NOT pregnant???
I picked up this young woman and watched as she carefully and slowly entered my car. It appeared she was holding her belly as if for support or protection. It was a perfectly plump potbelly on a lady with skinny arms and skinny legs. Being a new father myself, I was very considerate to her condition, which seemed obvious. I made my usual friendly small-talk and we were on our way.
As we went over some tracks along the road, we hit a sudden large bump in the road. The young woman was noticeably jostled and had a look of worry on her face. I asked if she was okay and she said yes. I asked if she thought I should pull into a hospital after experiencing such a jostling. She asked why I would suggest such a thing, to which I replied, “because such a violent shake could disturb the baby.”
She looked absolutely mortified as she rapidly explained how she was most definitely NOT pregnant. I remained shocked and silent as I continued to drive. She, seemingly by compulsion, began telling me that she just ate too much and needs the toilet...........as if we were in a cartoon. I apologized extensively as I saw her to her destination.
The International Man of Mystery
This trip really freaked me out. I pick up this delightful young lady on her way to the airport on a pool trip. Shortly, there is another buzz at the phone for a second passenger. I pull up to the apartment and got out of the car to help the passenger with his bags, only to find he had none........
He silently got into the car and asked if we could begin driving. This was a bit awkward, to say the least, but the young lady and I shrugged it off and we continued to the airport in silence. I asked if he was going to the arriving flights to pick someone up; however, his reply was, “No, international departure.” I pulled up to the gate and he simply got out.
At this point, the young lady and I could no longer contain ourselves. Our eyes locked, bulging, mouths open, and we found ourselves dumbfounded at what just happened. A flood of paranoid assumptions as to where he was going and why he had no luggage whatsoever.
No, SERIOUSLY, A Flat Earther...
Don't get me wrong, this person was a very nice, polite, and positive person; however, clearly insane. Let's get this straight: I have no clue how the conversation took this direction or how it even started, but I'll never forget where it ended. The conversation seemed innocent enough—just light talk about the weather. Then came a mention of how those “flood gates” in the sky were open a little too long.
Being someone from a religious family background who actually read several versions of the bible, I recognized his reference immediately but was in total disbelief, which is why I asked him to explain further. This is what I can remember:
“You know, the flood gates that are on the dome that holds up the sky. Next to the lights stuck up there with the moon. You know, the moon landing was faked by the government to stop the other countries from trying to fly up there and discover the truth about the sky dome being a barrier to heaven. You know, those nuclear tests had nothing to do with the war. They were trying to make bombs big enough to crack the sky dome and enter into heaven. The edges of the Earth are surrounded by an ice-wall and GPS is used to turn ships and planes around so they don't hit the edge. So, it's a lie that anyone went around the earth and there are no NASA satellites in space. It's all fake news to hide the true divinity from the world.”
Oh, I tried to explain to him how easy it is to prove the Earth is round. I tried to explain to him simple scientific concepts. I really, really tried, but he had the look of a true believer in his eyes and nothing, not even reality, was gonna change that. Like I said, he was a nice guy and it was a nice conversation, regardless of how crazy he was.