Turning It Off

I don't really do anything for me, you know? I don't work out just to feel better, I do it because I feel like the world perceives people a certain way. I don't eat healthy so I can live longer, I do it because I think stuffing my face with a 1,000 calorie meal isn't what people consider "disgusting". Life doesn't start like this, it starts really simple enough; you are born with no idea what the hell is going on. Truthfully, that sounds absolutely amazing. No cares, no wants, no needs (other than food and water, and of course a clean diaper). Now you flip that narrative and you are 80 years old and you can feel consciousness slip away from every nerve of your brain until you are left with nothing to remember, kind of like being a newborn.

These are the thoughts that run through my head constantly, not paranoia but a sense of being lost. You are not really living, you are more like existing. For the longest time I was okay with this, to be honest, I truly did believe I was living my best life. I have never made a lot of money but I was happy, I have never had a sense of direction but felt I was on the right path. That was until COVID-19 basically shut down everything... including me.

On the outside, I was calm and collective (as much as I could be during the middle of the first pandemic in a century). Deep inside though I could feel something was off like my purpose was being unfulfilled. I have always been the creative one in my family, sort of an off-brand black sheep. My mom an out-of-this-world singer and actor, and my dad a wannabe actor and really good writer always told me I could be anything; basically what every good parent should tell their child. I could tell though from a very early age I picked up one of their over the top creative skills, it was not singing due to me not being able to... well sing. It was not the acting skill due to... well I kind of freeze up in front of people who are actively staring at me waiting to do something. So that only left one thing; writing, and holy crap did I write.

Now I am in no way shape or form do I consider myself a good writer. I misspell quite a bit and my punctuation leaves a lot to be desired, what I make up in lack of normal writing skills I make up in sheer will to create stories I have in my head. I have been writing since they made us ad-lib the ending of little short paragraphs in elementary school. I sucked so hard at math and science, so English class and social studies were my go-to classes to make up for me being so stupid in the other two.

I have never really wanted to be a writer and even now as I publish my short works for the first time in my life, I don't see myself as someone who can do this professionally for a long period of time. What makes writing to me so euphoric is the ability to express thoughts through words that you may have not been able to do so in the real world. I am kind of socially awkward but not enough to not have friends, and I am not so anti-social to point that I don't have a significant other, just a weird middle line is where I stand. I have a hard time in person conveying my thoughts over into real words so I always sound like I am rushing to talk which creates a whole multitude of problems, especially when you have to talk in front of managers and other employees constantly like I do.

Never have I been one to try and overachieve much in my life but with writing, I tend to get so meticulous in my words I sometimes forget I am on planet Earth. For the most part, it is just my keyboard and music playing in the background and my thoughts carrying me through this world in my head I am trying to create on my laptop, add some coffee and I could literally be stuck writing for hours. I know most of my short stories are not good but they make me happy, but I created it so no matter how horrible it is, I always come back to my work with a smile that you only get when you accomplish something for yourself and nobody else.

So as my old English teacher would say in high school, "It is time to end this story with a nice bow for everyone to unwrap". I honestly hated that saying, granted I hated everything in high school but what would you expect from a kid whose favorite band was Asking Alexandria and had so many colors in my hair I forgot what was in there. True to the statement though of my old teacher, I shall end this with one happy bow. I truly love writing, I think anyone who writes for fun would say the same thing.

Writing for yourself is so personal and has so many layers that you may only understand your work but that is what makes it so beautiful, it was written by you for you, everyone else comes second. I know writing won't always get rid of this lost feeling but it feels good to write it out and hopefully, someone can see this and try it and maybe, just maybe, be able to shake the feeling and be at peace with themselves.