trigger finger

I see you again. I thought I buried you deep enough to forget. We both knew you would never stop didn't we? Those nights I would tear into you. All I knew was hatred and the need to feed the violence. How could you not be broken by such a vicious cycle? You would scream frantic lyrics of finding god in the mud. I just kept your head under water. What would it truly take to kill you?

I wipe the blood from my mouth. I have been breaking teeth in this skull peeling back the anxieties and the poisonous craving to cave in. I make noise now that they can not ignore. I slip in and out of the shadows because I realize we aren't separate in our duality. We are one and the same in reflections and smoke screens. When I see these eyes turn into crimson lanterns i do not feel fear. I have nothing left to give to the ghosts we buried. They abandoned us with the lack of whatever you want to call it. These scars remain as tribute that I can take it. I will survive this with the intentions to create based on desire and not by force of hand.

Why do you look so surprised. You knew deep down I was gonna buy into the fire. I was going to become obsessed all those nights staring into the calling. Remember when we dragged through the sand the need to feed the gift. Remember when we called the moon god and we worshipped a dead planet? Now why wouldn't I stitch you to my heart and lungs? You see this vessel is a ticking time bomb and my mortality is the only thing keeping you alive. I transcend time and bone. You can not. For you are the false identity.

I grew tired of watching them dissolve into ash. Like dreams forsaken by the flickering lights of stained souls. In this I began to carve a new path. Where I could find a place to call zen. I know now how lonely it can be. How a room full of people and love means nothing if you do not decide for yourself what truly matters. I sit in my mind trying to hear the silence but this ringing in my ears holds me here like an anchor dragging me to the bottom of an ocean. When dreams refuse to die and the nightmares cackle insanity where does one find balance? It's not at the bottom of a bottle. It is not within others. It isn't in their prayers. I speak out loud to an empty room and let the vibrations clear the room. In a neutral space I can feel a pulse in my soul like gravity. It speaks her name. I simply smile and embrace a second of hope and faith. I always anticipate it coming back and pulling me under. The storm raging inside of me.

I am not death. I hold the energy of boundless ancestors. I walk like chaos because it is all I know since I recreated the pace. Before the end of this short story I will conquer the flesh. I will obtain the key to walk through the locked door. In other dimensions I can hear it calling me. I bind my soul to those i cherish and I will have to be obliterated before I let them go. I witness them as runes that hold pieces I worship. I scrape off the rust of this bone and muscle. I stare into the black hole before embarking on the tribulation of the rising fires.