Thriving Not Surviving.

Thriving, Not Surviving.

When you see this title, what is the first thing that instils into you?

A mistake you made recently, Something from your past.

Or are you here with me now? In this Journey.

This sentence speaks for itself. When I see this title, I think of all the self-sabotage I gave to myself to find love. The love I was to gave to myself.

The shattering decions I had made,

The movements, the quakes as I was sobbing quietly on my floor.

They were my mistakes, Not knowing that at first

is one tough pill to swallow, at the first chapter of a book.

But realism and Truth is where I come from.

Let me get straight to the point on exactly what this title means & The actions you can hopefully feel inspired to take upon at the end of this book.

May this be the light in your healing path, may it be comfort Like a warm blanket, a safe space for you to feel your thoughts and allow yourself too just be. or a warm coca sprinked with chocolate and made with love.

No judgement, and stillness.

If you are reading this, I want to say from my heart that I am proud of you. What you are about to feel is anything but easy, but it is a promise to you at the end of this you will want to challenge yourself and the Holds you have on yourself that you aren’t aware of.

And maybe, just maybe a little faith. Let’s Begin.

Chapter one -

“The Awakening”.

it is exactly as it states. The awakening.

It is the moment you decide something needs to change.

The moment when you say to yourself “enough is enough” and it’s the moment you are at your lowest, but somehow still not as bad as you know you could be.

But keep that out of your mind, for the duration of this book. This is to focus on the now, and the past. But what has been felt and will be felt, not what could of.

Let me explain to you what a raw moment looks like.

It started when it was 28, for me.

To the contrary it was, 6 months into my Birth. Both have such relevance, but I suppose we need to start right at the Beginning, so let’s do that.

No one remembers their birth, & when we think about it, we associate it with whatever feelings we have right now. That exact feeling you have in the pit of your stomach, the weight in your heart & the muscles in your body, that are tired. Exhausted. They carry you & your thoughts daily and it feels like Groundhog Day, on less intense. But its on repeat none the less.

When we think of our birth, we think of death. We think negative thoughts, and we think about trials we have experienced and how life has been Incredibly cruel to us.

Think back, what do you remember from your birth? What is one the earliest memories that comes to your mind. Is it positive? Is it negative? Does it feel with grief? Does it make you smile?

Hold that emotion. We will use that later in this book.

Six months, what an age.

An age most don’t remember.

For me I remember not having much. My family was not in any way rich and was barely above the poverty line. In the photo’s I have seen of myself as a child I was either asleep or happy.

A moment can catch many things. A true emotion, a happy movement, a sad one, or something we fake, for everyone else to see.

Fast forward to the Age I was in year 1 & 2.

The Hand to my heart honest. Worst part of my younger childhood.

I would just like to state now, this part contains Sexual Abuse & Podophile

If you are not ready to digest a part of this, please move to the next relevant part of this book for you and return when you Feel it is right for you. I think most Books do not take into the account that to be reading one of these books, you had to of experienced damaging, trauma

And it can shake up someone’s whole word in a paragraph.

If you do not go further than this page, it’s ok to not be ready, its okay to take time and breathe.

Be kind and keep striving.

Grade 1 & 2 schooling was the most important part of my childhood. Not specifically the education

As we have learnt now, that whilst school can be crucial, subtopics are not introduced into the school system and quite a percentage of people suffer from that alone. I welcome all emotions that may arise here.

I was a Victim to child Assault, and id like to say right now. I do not know to this day if there was more. When I think back to this moment, I remember the isolation I felt, I didn’t feel secure, I didn’t feel love or support, or kindness. Being Bullied heavily and going to school every day, with that secret on your skin every day, without no one knowing but you and your predator is something. This is the first moment I KNEW in my soul I was being exposed Depression, Self-harm, suicide], secrets and a pain I shouldn’t have known at the age of 6.

I still remember what it felt like being held down, alone in a room with only myself & them.

Parts of my brain remembers the crying and screaming. Most days now, my brain remembers the actions, and has covered up the pain side. My mind is a complex Maze, and somewhere in there is that little girl, trapped behind a green maze fence hiding, wondering when she can come out.

If I quiet my mind enough some days, I feel like I can hear the shallow breathing I had. Before I speak about my Victory with this, I want to explain the worst parts of it.

It seems wild to believe that I endured Bullying, “heartbreak” Narcissistic parents, child abuse and sexual abuse, but when I walked into the classroom. I would write. I would keep my head down and write. Most of the time we were asked to write stories. Some of my best stories came from that pain. Whilst I may not remember them. I remember the “best friend” in my classroom.

She was the skinner version of me, the person I was envious of. She had the darker tan than I did, communication easily flowed with her, and my biggest mistake was thinking I could trust her.

We’ve all had one of those friends, if not multiple. Day after day I turned up to school, surprisingly not in a revengeful mode. I think I wanted to be loved and safe at school. I never projected my pain there which is probably why no one asked questions and why it was hid so well.

At the time, I understood what was happening, but I couldn’t comprehend either.

When the mind is in such a state of fight or flight & its constant. It repeats itself over and over

Eventually your mind needs to go elsewhere to protect you. It is the final stage of survival. Before a lot more damage is done, or possibly death.

When I say that, do you take that with urgency, do you think it wasn’t that bad? Do you tell yourself that “people have it worse” or you deserved it? You didn’t. You were a victim, as was I. A victim of a vicious cycle and a sick individual who hurt you. It was never your fault.

In this century so many will try to counter product your feelings and invalidate them. This is when you must stand your tallest. It doesn’t matter if a village believes you or only you do.

What’s important is the event & speaking your truth. Never in a hateful manor. Never for revenge, But simply as an act of kindness for your heart and your wellbeing. Predators have managed to perceive society as “they have no evidence, its dismissible” In these moments is when we need to speak louder and come together. Not as Victims but as individuals who have had something wrongfully done to them, & action should be appropriately taken.

We are not asking for a lot; we are asking for Human rights.

Every time I felt his presence near me. I Remember the coldness, and the stomach sickness that came with it & despite the abuse and the abuse I was about to, again.

Encounter, I would be polite. This steamed from my childhood abuse, from my parents but ill get to that later.

My journey is still on going, But I am an example of a walking miracle. You will come to understand this as I dig deeper into this book.

Every time, I felt his hands go to reach under my clothing I was wearing My whole body sent off a vibration for Help. But it never came.

So, I created my own. I went to another place. My brain helped me escape when I physically could not. There is a memory that sticks to me like Glue, that no longer serves me, but for the purpose of this I’m going to share it with you. Predators like to find weak spots. This includes secluded spaces; Venerable people and they are smart at manipulation.

A very real moment I had, once.

I had just been abused, and I had finally gotten away.

Their parents were away to get food including my whole family that was with me at the time

By the time I managed to get out of the room absolutely sobbing, my mother turns to me and asks me what is wrong, Before I had a second to catch a breath of even speak a single alphabetic letter,

My predator had came running out to say “she was just crying/upset because she was scared you had left her, & that you were not coming back” I can honestly tell you, in that moment I didn’t even think of speaking up. With a narcissistic parent and a child abuser, what chance did I have in being heard and Being treated Accordingly. Long story short I graduated Primary school, with my pain

And my scars, for over 8 years. No one knew what had happened to me, but me.

I want to stress right here and now how important it is to treat a child with extreme trauma as soon as you notice it for their development their esteem, confidence & most of all, to heal.

Grade six comes around still suffering the abuse, but this time around, I had a out.

I would be going into year 7. Finally high school, where I was in a different environment a new chance to meet friends and change, and to get away from the past and even the present that was trying to stay with me,

I don’t have much advice on this, but if I could speak one thing, just one thing louder. I would cry, I would shout, for you to be louder. Be expressive and fight to get out of a situation like this.

Keeping in mind you are young, please do not be invisible. Do not chose to be. Be loud, be loud to everyone.

At the end of this Book, you will understand & see the relevance to this chapter, and you will see the ending, of this chapter but many other.

I remember feeling so alone, Invisible and I remember how much I wished I didn’t have to go home

But I had awoken to sexual abuse and what it meant to be a “adult” weather by age, or how you feel internally, you don’t choose it. It decides to choses you.

Not the traditional way, of simply aging one year after your born. This is a mental growth. Were you had to take on adult thoughts and feelings, and actions and your mind had to grow faster, stronger, quicker, and it had to evolve, which meant a rush process Just like a smart phone. A rushed process may work to begin with, but without the proper equipment it will explode and run completely out of Energy, Much like your heart and soul and body.

A child, in an animal mind. Survivor Mode, & Heightened sense. You were a lion, instead of being a cub.

I will speak more on this through out the book but for now.

This brings me to chapter 2.