TEN SURE-FIRE WAYS TO NAIL YOUR FIRST DRAFT

I’ve been writing for a long time. Some days are wonderful. I’m sure you know what I’m talking bout—those days when the words flow forth like a river in spring. Those days when you are convinced you are the next Margaret Atwood or Stephen King. But then, there are the other days; the ones that aren’t quite as lovely. On those days, we’re left staring at our blank computer screens, keenly aware of our own faint reflections staring back at us. “Ah yes,” we mutter. “Hello, self. You’re here again, I see. And yet, you have no words to show for yourself. You should maybe leave and go and do something useful. Clearly, you are an imposter.”

What can I say; there is no magic formula for getting through “those” days, not as far as I know. It’s probably best just to indulge in a little Haagan Daaz, read some really excellent fiction, and Netflix-binge until it passes.

On those flowy days, though? Well, there IS a formula that can help to pave your way straight to the New York Times Bestseller list. A set of rules, actually; ten of them. Here they are:

ONE – Ensure you have plenty of good coffee on hand, and by good, I mean REALLY good; none of that MGB or Nabob crap. (This may well be the most important rule of all ten.)

TWO – If you don’t have a dog or a cat, borrow one. Dogs and cats are comforting to have around you when you write. Also, they will eat all the food that you will inevitably drop on the floor when you are binge- eating/writing. It’s a win-win.

THREE – If, after four days, you haven’t ventured outside, put on some pants and go buy some milk from the corner store. Or coffee – you’ve probably run out of coffee by now. This little break will force you to interact with other human beings. A heartfelt, “Sure did rain last night, didn’t it?” will allow you to kid yourself that you are a functioning member of society, instead of a weird, reclusive freak.

FOUR – Don’t have more than one glass of wine as you steer your novel’s climax down into its oh-so-important dénouement. Drunken dénouements are usually shit.

FIVE – Ah, music. Music is great. It can serve to inspire you. You should most definitely play some when you write. Sometimes I like a little Chopin; other times, Norwegian death metal is good.

SIX – Answering machines were invented for a reason. Embrace them.

SEVEN – Make sure you own a pair of comfortable sweatpants. Grey and well-worn are best. Size LARGE is the icing on the cake. Trust me.

EIGHT – Make a sign that says, “GO AWAY – I’M WRITING!” Stick it on your front door. Half of your friends will respect it, and the other half won’t. I don’t know what to tell you about the half who won’t. Maybe you shouldn’t be friends with them.

NINE – Back to the dogs or cats (borrowed or otherwise); scratch them on a regular basis and put peanut butter on the ends of their noses. Comic relief is important when you’re wrestling with a nasty plot snag.

TEN – When you have finished your first draft, do something nice for your partner or the person/people who share your home. They are long-suffering, special souls. Perhaps wash those grey sweatpants and then make them some soup. Soup is nice. Nothing says, “I love you,” like homemade soup.

So, there you have it – my 10 Surefire Ways to NAIL your First Draft. Follow these “rules” and you’re bound to experience success.

You're welcome.

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