Separation, Disease, Tests

My friends were in this dream. Many of my friends were from college. There was something happening that was disturbing me. My friends were divided. One group sat in a corner. I was with the other group in the center. I believe we were in a lunchroom. We were sitting on benches.

The rift had started from a friend. I was trying to figure out how it had started. The friend, let's call her Penny, was getting ostracized by the group in the corner. The group I was sitting with didn't like that Penny was getting left out and intentionally at that.

I played detective. I wanted to figure out why she wasn't spending time with them. I could feel her sadness. I empathized with her. There were three people I remember distinctly from my college days. Ron, the tall blonde man who majored in philosophy. He grew up and became a lawyer. He was a very curious person: almost like an angel that would appear of its own accord. He sat next to me and told me that Penny wasn't speaking to the others.

The other two people I remembered were Bob and Rat. Some backstory from my waking life: I used to sing with them. We sang songs at a coffee shop. They were folksy musicians. They continued playing music after we had gone our separate ways. Bob played guitar and banjo. Rat was a bass player. I had a crush on Rat for a couple of years. It didn't pan out.

Back to the dream. Bob and Rat were upset with Penny. I discovered that she had written a letter to them, and it wasn't taken well. Bob and Rat were part of a small co-op. They met on Tuesdays. They had really tight friendships with this group. I tried to break into this group, but I didn't mesh well with them. My puzzle pieces needed to go somewhere else. . .

In real life, Penny felt like she was both accepted and not part of the group. She had a different faith. She struggled with insecurities.

In her letter, she wrote that she was more at risk for dementia, Alzheimer's, and other neurodegenerative diseases. She was worried about her mom and her brother getting the disease as well. This was a big concern for her since it was in her immediate family. Bob and Rat acted as though dementia only affects the elderly; Penny's letter upset them because it seemed like she didn't care about their grandma. They didn't like Penny's letter because they felt that it dismissed the elderly. That wasn't Penny's intent. She wanted to explain that she knew she was a target. She could see what was happening in her gene pool. . .

The situation with Bob, Rat, and Penny didn't resolve. There were strong feelings among all three. They were overwhelmed with pain and sadness. The separation with Penny caused pain. But they also didn't want to include and bring Penny back to the core of their friendship group. She had done something that had gone against their code. She no longer fit with them.

Ron may have told me these things. I have a hard time remembering dialogue from my dreams. Perhaps in writing this journal I will get better at that. . .

My dream changed wildly. I was looking for clothes to wear. I put on a hodge-podge of stuff. I remember a maroon blouse I wore and baggy jeans. They were baggy but fashionable jeans. More like I was wearing men's pants.

My hair was wet. I was wandering at a school. I was about to take a test. I'm not sure what level of education I was pursuing. This wasn't clear. I was going back and forth from wandering the school, studying at home, and trying to cancel or register for classes.

In dreams, if I'm doing badly in a class, I often try to cancel the class before the grade would impact me. The college I went to you could repeat a class you failed so that the grade didn't hurt your GPA. I often think of that policy for whatever reason. I think it is my constant search for grace and forgiveness.

I do know I was searching for a science class. I believe I was preparing for a biology test. This would make sense. I had mentioned biology multiple times in my waking life the night before. I asked my husband if they taught evolution in his schools. I had found my mom's high school transcript. The class she did the worst in was biology. This is funny because she later grew up to be a nurse.

I met with my mom in this dream. We talked about dementia and how I felt about Penny. She asked me if it was right for dementia patients to suffer. If we should extend their lives with treatment. I told her I wasn't sure. If it was the only life a person had, shouldn't we want to extend it? If there is no heaven then life is precious and it should go on the best it can, but if there is paradise on the other side, like a hidden dimension, then it seems wrong to hold onto someone forever and cause them needless suffering.

I said I felt like I was at the halfway point. What if heaven was half real and half an illusion? What if we only send half of a person to the other side? I think my mom was stressed with my strange proportional understandings of the cosmos. In essence, I'm half holding onto her and half letting her go. I'm not ready for her to die, yes of dementia and Alzheimer's. That's what she has in real life. . .

I think I was trying to bargain with her. Ask her to stay a little longer while also letting her go to the next chapter. Whatever that chapter is.

Is it so wrong to believe in things halfway? If there are multiple universes why can't some be created by a god and others not? Why can't there be half-heavens? Why can't all of us in our philosophical ideas be right at some vantage point? Maybe the theists are right about god creating one universe and the atheists are right in another universe. . . that it creates itself.

Everything has potential. Maybe heaven is the connecting point between universes.