Self Reflection

*warning of triggering topics

So, you are me? Very interesting. You are not what I would expect us to look like. And how shall I address this - you, me, I? We? Us? Your appearance is forcing you versus I scenario. At 14, about to be a freshman, I find that I have my life planned out, and I understand how life works.

What do you mean that’s what I think? If anyone has failed my plan, it is you. In which I thought you had our best interest at heart. We must be protected. I must be protected.

I am trying to listen, but I just get frustrated when I see you. You are fat now. Look at how you have let us go? How could you have allowed this? I am thin; I must always be thin. It is one of the ways I will survive in this world. It cares about looks, so I must look the part. We already have this horrid skin color.

I have and will continue to pray that we wake up light-skin. Being a dark-skinned African American woman is not something anyone aspires to be. I am picked on every day, or do you not remember that? Now that you are old, you must have forgotten.

And what is up with your face? Since when do we have scarring on our face? Am I going to have acne during high school? I can’t deal with that. Oh? That just happened in 2019?! This is all becoming a lot.

I have so many questions. I am not sure I can hear you talk it out. Are we a professional dancer? An astronaut? World-renowned writer? What exactly did we do after high school? The military?? How did dad allow that to happen?

What? You are messing with me. I know I haven’t been that understanding of your physical disappointments, but there is no need for you to joke like that. It isn’t cool, and I wouldn’t say I like it. Are you serious? When…when did it happen? 17? You are telling me that we only have three more years with dad? Can you give me a minute…

How do we heal from that? You just started? In 2019? I am beginning not to like that year. What else happened in 2019? Second divorce? Whoa. Let’s take a step back and walk me through how and what happened after that because you did not take any of the roads that I had planned out.

Yes, I am a little boy crazy, but how will that hinder me? Loss of virginity, multiple heartbreaks, etc. And mostly after dad left us, huh? Did you marry the person that you gave our virginity to? Y’all don’t even speak? I don’t understand. If you gave him our virginity, then we were in love, and we should have at least gotten married? Are you dumb?

That wasn’t nice. I apologize. Keep going. We had a high school sweetheart that later said that high school relationships are insignificant after he got mad at you for getting pregnant by someone else? And we had a child before marriage? I just don’t understand. I HAD A PLAN.

Just tell me about all of this fat on your body. Are you not ashamed or disgusted with yourself? We said we would never wear anything over a large. And we only said a large because of these large ass breast we must carry around. And, right here on this paper – it says we will get a breast reduction. Did you? Well, why are they bigger than they are now?!

Ah, you got fatter afterward. You have some kind of hold on being fat. I am open to hearing you. So, more heartache. Gained a few pounds after the first kid. Understandable. Oh, you married that guy, lovely. Oh, not lovely? Abusive? Into a wall? Water in your face? Choked you? Repeatedly cheated on us…I, I am sorry to hear that.

Did we get away? Jail first? Why? He jumped on us! For defending ourself? Damn, Mississippi. You got us away from him. That is good? Why did you stay? Oh. I always said I wouldn’t stay and never understood how women could stay. I guess I have to be careful what I say never to.

And we did other things we said we never would? Things like what? It can’t be too bad. It isn’t like we killed anyon…we did? With the first husband? Oh, the person you started dating after. How did we heal from that? We didn’t until, let me guess, 2019? Ugh.

And then all the weight kept piling on. Depression. I mean, I knew we suffered from depression since we were younger, but I thought it would get handled. Well, by ignoring it. I see that did not happen. And then we had postpartum after our second birth? Wow. I am sorry we went through that.

I am sorry for how rude I was earlier. I did not know. But years have passed. I know I shouldn’t care about what others think, but I never want to be fat. We have plenty of other things for people to not like about us. Why?

Yes, I will listen to what brought on 2019’s healing. Mental breakdown on our birthday. Wow. All of the built-up pain and suffering. You did try talking to him, and he just wanted you to be cool? Our second husband. We have been together for years. I didn’t realize we would feel so alone. And we almost killed ourself? Please. Give me another moment. I wasn’t ready.

I am still so young, and this is a lot to take in. I feel alone. I remember that moment of our first rejection in pre-school. I thought it was small and would not trickle into the storm it has become. So many things we buried came to the surface. So, the mental breakdown in 2019 was our salvation in a way?

Awakening? That is interesting. We also met many people that year that would change our lives. We started back writing? Hell, I didn’t know we stopped. I am proud of us, then. That always came before dancing. It reminds me of dreaming in a far-away galaxy. Writing is so beautiful. And to know we wrote a book. And now we are going to look for an agent for that book; I am very excited for us.

And I can tell that you have started loving us. We have started loving on ourself. Because I don’t love me now. I can admit that to you, right? You know the place we were at 14. And I see us loving our body despite the world and their fatphobia. We dream and we do. We have started to love ourself so deep and that looks stunning on us.

I think our children will be proud of us if they knew all of this. But maybe save them from this story until they are old enough. I don’t know how I am going to be able to handle it knowing I have to go through with it. I won’t remember? Thank heavens.

But how will I know to keep going? I can’t do this without you. It’s we. I have been trying to say we and us. I don’t want to be I. How will we keep going when we have felt so alone for so long? Ancestors? The Universe? I don’t understand any of what you are saying.

I am scared.

"I know you, we, are scared. There will be dark days, It will seem like we are at the bottom of the forever ocean. Just when we think we are about to take our last breath, that is when we will hear us. That is when the spirit of those in our DNA will pulse in our veins. That is when we will feel The Universe’s light shine on our soul. We will endure. And we will succeed. I am always with you, It will always be us. " - Me