Self Awareness

It takes a lot to admit when you have been beating yourself up over things that you cannot control.

I have spent years telling myself that i am a useless waste of space due to my lack of energy and constant pain that stop me from performing the most basic of tasks.

This has only gotten worse over the years and more so after my diagnosis of fibromyalgia.

You see I am very much a person that likes to be in control of my life and when something stands in my way that i cannot control it has a devastating effect on my mental health. I know I am a strong person and i can get myself through anything that holds me back, but at times this strength falters and the cracks begin to show.

Right now the cracks are wide open and I know that it is temporary but it feels so permanent. I am killing myself to find a job that a) works around school, b) Is the right amount of hours to support myself and the kids, c) It has to be a job that wont continually trigger the pain and fatigue.

I thought this cant be so difficult there must be something that I can do that work for all of these!

Well I can tell you this is just not the case I mean even MacDonald's turned me down!!!

It has come to my attention that in this day and age you have to pledge your soul to companies to be considered for a role and also be available 24hrs a day 7 days a week ….. WTF.

As you can imagine this is impossible for someone with a family and a chronic illness.

This is the point when you really start coming to terms with your own limitations and I can tell you this is not an easy thing to do. I fell most days like I am holding my family back because I know if I push myself too much I just end up spending days being so exhausted I can hardly speak and extremely irritable with pain coursing through my body.

Its tough knowing what you can and cant do when you were once invincible. I never wanted people to know how much it has affected my life and the way I think of myself. Over time I have learnt that I have to talk to my people and help them to understand what it is I am feeling otherwise I do end up in a bit of a pickle emotionally.

I just wish that when applying for a job you could explain without being completely passed over that yes I am a hard worker and yes I do have limits but I just want to work and be good at my job. I want to be able to buy my kids nice things and take them out for fun days...

I know what I can and cant do and I want to make potential employers understand that I know me well enough to work safely.

I am very aware lately that I am quite snappy with my partner.. Its not his fault, he is just always the person I fire at mostly because I know he wont react and he knows why I'm being a total cow bag.

The problem is he keeps bringing up job searching and why is it taking so long and we cant afford to keep this up... and the whole time I am screaming in my head 'I am trying!!'

As you can imagine self doubt sets in and I start telling myself am o doing enough, is there more that I can do …. the answer is NO! I am doing absolutely everything in my power to fix this mess. I really have to keep taking myself back to the part where I do know what I am capable of and soon (hopefully) I shall find something that works.

You see I know me and I do understand my limits and what I need to be doing. Its those tiny voices in the back of my mind that creep in occasionally and make me doubt my self and make me feel I am dragging the family in to the dark pit I work so hard to stay out of.

It is hard for others to see the fight inside people, but if you know and understand your abilities and your limitations you have to keep focusing on that. You are powerful in your own way, you have talents that others couldn't imagine having and you are stronger than anyone will ever know because the battle you fight daily hasn't beaten you yet. whether or not you have a mental health problem, a chronic illness, an incurable disease, an autoimmune illness.... you have the power to write your own story.. you can choose to fight and be the best possible you.

Its ok to have a fall on those bad days, you fight so hard to be ok and sometimes your body will force you to stop and its OK...

You know how you work and you know that you aren't alone. So many of us are part of this battle and we can do this!

Don't be afraid of you or what others may think …

Enjoy my ramblings :)

NAT xxx