Sad Eyes

I haven’t written a journal entry for Vocal in a while now. I don’t know why. It’s kind of hard to explain the way I feel these days, all that I know is that I’m dead inside. It feels as if the whole world is rooting against me from time to time. I feel sad all the time. I feel my depression. I feel so angry and mad at the world most days. I wonder if those feelings of mine will ever go away.

I know that I’m okay but I also know that I’m not. I feel so lost right now. I want to feel seen and heard by those around me. But the words cannot come out of my mouth anymore. I wish I knew how to trust but my heart has been broken beyond belief one too many times. I know I’ll move on eventually but then something else will end up happening to me because that’s just how life goes. A series of unfortunate events. I wonder if I’ll ever manage to be okay. If I’ll ever be able to feel comfortable in my own skin. I like myself don’t get me wrong there. My favourite part about me happens to be my eyes. I like to think of them as a crisp blue. But I’m tired of hearing I have sad eyes. Because I never used to have sadness in my eyes until I struggled deeply with depression. I still love my eyes, even if people tell me that they look sad.

Like I said before, I want to feel heard by someone in my life. I want to be able to speak and not feel like I have to shut up. I am trying to learn how to be myself but I still don’t know how. I don’t know what to say half the time. That’s why I write. It’s easier to get the words out on paper or type something up on a computer than it is to talk. At least it is in my opinion.

I want to be proud of myself again but I just can’t be. I don’t know why I feel that way. I really don’t understand. But I also don’t want to collapse. It just feels like I might be falling apart. I’m stuck with the guilt and I just don’t like the way it makes me feel. I’m awfully tired of the sadness that I feel inside. Things just don’t feel right.

I’m tired of hearing about my sad eyes. Maybe I just don’t take compliments well. Maybe I’m just sad about my body changing because of my self harm and depression. Whatever the reasons, just because I’m sad doesn’t mean I’m not happy.

I love my life I really do. I just can’t always have a smile on my face. I try. I honestly try. I don’t know why I try because I know why people would understand why I don’t really like smiling all the time.

I don’t know what to feel. Instead I move along and share bits and pieces of my story with people in hopes that my pain helps them move through their own. I’m tired of holding it all in and I want to let the pain out somehow. If I can even help one person along my journey then it will all be worth it in the end.

I pray that one day my endless struggles will become easier. I hope that my pain and sadness go away. I pray that the dark skies I’m seeing turn into beautiful sunsets and sunrises. I hope that my anger fades away into love. I pray that my tears are not falling for no reason. I hope for better days.

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