I haven’t written a journal entry for Vocal in a while now. I don’t know why. It’s kind of hard to explain the way I feel these days, all that I know is that I’m dead inside. It feels as if the whole world is rooting against me from time to time. I feel sad all the time. I feel my depression. I feel so angry and mad at the world most days. I wonder if those feelings of mine will ever go away.
I know that I’m okay but I also know that I’m not. I feel so lost right now. I want to feel seen and heard by those around me. But the words cannot come out of my mouth anymore. I wish I knew how to trust but my heart has been broken beyond belief one too many times. I know I’ll move on eventually but then something else will end up happening to me because that’s just how life goes. A series of unfortunate events. I wonder if I’ll ever manage to be okay. If I’ll ever be able to feel comfortable in my own skin. I like myself don’t get me wrong there. My favourite part about me happens to be my eyes. I like to think of them as a crisp blue. But I’m tired of hearing I have sad eyes. Because I never used to have sadness in my eyes until I struggled deeply with depression. I still love my eyes, even if people tell me that they look sad.
Like I said before, I want to feel heard by someone in my life. I want to be able to speak and not feel like I have to shut up. I am trying to learn how to be myself but I still don’t know how. I don’t know what to say half the time. That’s why I write. It’s easier to get the words out on paper or type something up on a computer than it is to talk. At least it is in my opinion.
I want to be proud of myself again but I just can’t be. I don’t know why I feel that way. I really don’t understand. But I also don’t want to collapse. It just feels like I might be falling apart. I’m stuck with the guilt and I just don’t like the way it makes me feel. I’m awfully tired of the sadness that I feel inside. Things just don’t feel right.
I’m tired of hearing about my sad eyes. Maybe I just don’t take compliments well. Maybe I’m just sad about my body changing because of my self harm and depression. Whatever the reasons, just because I’m sad doesn’t mean I’m not happy.
I love my life I really do. I just can’t always have a smile on my face. I try. I honestly try. I don’t know why I try because I know why people would understand why I don’t really like smiling all the time.
I don’t know what to feel. Instead I move along and share bits and pieces of my story with people in hopes that my pain helps them move through their own. I’m tired of holding it all in and I want to let the pain out somehow. If I can even help one person along my journey then it will all be worth it in the end.
I pray that one day my endless struggles will become easier. I hope that my pain and sadness go away. I pray that the dark skies I’m seeing turn into beautiful sunsets and sunrises. I hope that my anger fades away into love. I pray that my tears are not falling for no reason. I hope for better days.
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About the Creator
Chloe Rose Violet 🌹
Writing from the heart about love, life, music, mental health, and everything else in between. 💀🥰
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More stories from Chloe Rose Violet 🌹 and writers in Journal and other communities.
The Game of Life
I have a little bit of a board game obsession. It stems back from my childhood. I used to play a lot of board games with my aunties and uncles. Even throughout the years, when my mom's family celebrated Christmas, we always enjoyed a new board game to play together as a family. One of my favourite games happens to be The Game of Life. During elementary school, we used to play card games at recess. That was important to me back during those elementary school days. We used to play Spoons with markers and pencils. It got violent of course. My elementary school years are what inspired me to write as an adult. Thinking about playing those card games at recess brings me joy because I was always really bad at those games with my classmates.
By Chloe Rose Violet 🌹2 years ago in Journal
Sabotage
Lately I’ve been in a funk where everything can be going right. You know I’m in a happy place talking to who knows, I’m at peace and feel like everything is just going great you know. But once I start seeing that everything is going great for some reason I need to sabotage it. I need to sabotage my happiness and what I have going on in my life so no one else is able to do it for me. Does that make sense? Am I the only one who gets this way?
By Merjaunie Lena10 days ago in Journal
Comments (1)
Living within any variation of this crippling, panoramic grayscale affliction means fighting an entire war every single day. Not a battle, but a continuous, drawn-out series of battles. "Victory," as one comprehensive, complete and triumphant thing seems so hugely impossible, but that is because it is not one thing. It is countless, little, beautiful things. Not always glamorous, not always apparently impactful on their own, but always beautiful in that they gain us ground, little by little, reclaiming the territory of ourselves from that invisible enemy. We ought to take the time to celebrate each and every one of these steps, without losing focus on the next one. I understand the very real possibility that this obtuse, overlong comment will mean nothing, because I know that this war exists inside its own pocket universe, and that no one can actually, directly, help —someone else can't pull us up with THEIR strength and make everything okay, it has to be OUR strength, and the demand for it is constant. But somebody else can, in fact, point and say, "Look how goddamned powerful you are." And, sometimes, when they do that, we see something that we weren't able to see before. Perhaps something that wasn't even there. We see our strength. One of the ways we can take a chance at doing that for others is to talk about our own experience. So, whether or not you needed someone to tell you, I promise you're doing the right thing. Thanks for sharing.