Rehab

Dear Diary,
I am not ok, my mental health has been declining the past few days where I haven’t been taking care of myself at home, been neglecting responsibilities, had lack of sleep, and a decreased appetite. Now, 1 am being treated with rehab. I thought this was going to be different than I expected. This is very not a mini vacation. We have a structured routine that I am not used to with three group meetings a day, scheduled meals, and we are only allowed to have our phone during certain designated times. I mean I feel restricted because I like my personal freedom. This is the real deal because they are so strict.

The main reason as to why lam here is because my boyfriend who I care about had a complete mental breakdown last time | was with him. Matt expressed that he was having trouble at home. Felt family pressure for dealing with nee responsibilities he wasn’t ready for. Felt criticized for his past mistakes and judged for his disability.
Matt expressed that he lost hope a long time ago and that he felt like he was a failure in life and wanted to end things.
He actually threatened me that he wanted to commit suicide. I was scared to death for him and it triggered a bad memory I had in the past where I lost my ex Gabe who had a similar situation. He had a serious withdrawal after our breakup where there was one night he got depressed and drunk. I tried to warn his mom ahead of time since I had limited resources but she didn’t take it seriously. The next morning it was too late where he purposely overdosed on painkillers and was passed out with no pulse. Matt tried to put his emotional baggage on me by saying “If something were to happen, don’t try to stop him because he wants to go in peace. Matt even said “you’re the best thing in my life right now, and the only thing that’s stopping me from doing anything”. I felt too much personal responsibility on my shoulders where I was his only emotional crutch to rely on since he didn’t have family support. I also felt unsafe since | was with someone who wanted to hurt themselves. I knew about his past history of depression, anxiety and PTSD. What makes it more dangerous is he on the spectrum of autism where he has impulsive behavior he can’t always control and I am not sure how he would react towards me.

Today when I checked on Matt to make sure he was OK he refused to take accountability on how I was upset. I told him that my mental health had declined that I had to see a psychiatrist since I’ ve been struggling with something personal that I needed a break and had to get treated.He didn’t even bother to ask what was bothering me. Matt simply used the excuse “I’m fine, I promise” pretending like nothing ever happened. I have a feeling he is guilty over the fact that I did a wellness check on him and is now in denial. Matt used to feel safe and secure.

After the emotional baggage, I went to my ex Ryan for emotional support. We had a mini vacation together. It was a nice break until he started a fight with me on the way home because he was tired which I regret. Ryan admitted that he went through my phone without my permission which is an invasion of privacy and is disrespectful. It hurt me because it showed me he had trust issues. Ryan was hurt because he saw the confession from Matt that he loves me. I was surprised that this affected him because we broke up over a year ago and was supposed to be just friends. Ryan expressed that he didn’t want me to be in a relationship with Matt and tried to dictate how I feel that I care about him but I don’t love him, that there’s a difference. He also told me he felt that I went with Matt on the rebound. I saw that Ryan was being jealous of my current boyfriend and was starting to be controlling/ possessive. When Ryan complained about Matt, I tried to reassure him that the feelings would be reciprocated. I told him he was right that I care about Matt but don’t love him. That I didn’t see my relationship with Matt working out that there was no future and admitted I still have feelings for him. I felt vulnerable being open and honest and not only did Ryan reject me but he got defensive and had to bring up old wounds from my past that I didn’t have to relive.