Well, I did it again. I quit another job...I don’t know if it’s bad that it gets easier for me every time. I’m not proud to say this but I’ve mastered my resignation template! I send the same one to almost every failed employer. Doing this always makes me really anxious. I feel a pit in the bottom of my stomach, my palms are sweaty and my breathing is unsteady but what I do know for sure is that all of this discomfort combined feels way better than forcing myself out of bed into another place that I completely despise.
I’m starting over AGAIN. That’s been the theme of my year…Something I never get used to is the feeling of disappointment. I always come into a new situation excited and ready to thrive and then as soon as it’s revealed that that will not be an option for me I lose all motivation to even try. I showing up physically, but I’m not really there at all. I go through the motions and nod accordingly, but I literally feel numb inside. I broke down really hard last night and I do not think my partner has ever seen me so distraught. He proposed that I quit working for a while and give my mind and soul a chance to catch up with the rest of myself. I just feel hopeless all over again. How I feel now is the exact same way I felt my senior year of college when I was working and going to school full time. I feel like a robot with no purpose.
The quarter life crisis is REAL. I used to roll my eyes at it when I was 16 and thought I had the answers to everything. Boy, I was such an ass. I used to think to myself, why do people make a big deal out of this? Go to school, get a job, work, have a family, volià. But here I am, 23 with a college degree realizing that it is not that simple at all.
This all sounds so elitist and so privileged when I say it out loud. So many folks do not have the option of just quitting and moving on to something else and I have to admit that I am incredibly lucky. So very lucky. And I really need to get it together because God is only going to give me so many chances to start again. I feel so low that He may even give up on me one day...I know in my heart of hearts that that can’t possibly be true but I also can’t help but wonder.
I just keep on playing my life out in my mind and I’m so blessed in every way, yet I can’t figure out what my purpose is. I spent my entire life preparing for college and when it was over, I had a degree and big hole in my chest. Nothing fits right and I’m beginning to come undone. If there is anything I hope comes out of 2019 it’s that I find clarity and peace within myself and what I am supposed to do with my life. I feel very melodramatic, but I also feel like I can’t be the only one struggling this way. Me not being able to find my place has put a stop to a lot of things in my life. I haven’t gotten married because I can’t stay at a job long enough to start paying off my student loans. I haven’t even delved into the thought of having kids because what use would I be to them when I don’t even know who I am outside of being a student? Am I crazy? Am I overthinking all of this? Am I valid in my confusion? Lord, save my soul...