One Star Blues

I only leave five-star reviews. Seriously, if I’m going to review a book, I’m going to leave a five-star review or I’m going to shut up. I don’t do this because I’m a nice person. I do this because I am a novelist and the last thing I need is an angry author with a reasonably good vocabulary biting my face off in the footnotes on a bookstore’s website with no way to remove it.

Well, I could remove it.

I could write the bookstore support email address and complain about someone saying bad things about me. I see other authors cry about bad reviews all the time and other authors advise them to write that support email address and petition to have those unfair reviews removed. But, I think someone would have to say something pretty nasty for me to want to do that. Something about complaining to the manager reminds me of the kids in high school who got 98% on their assignment, but still go whine to the teacher that they deserved those last two points. Yeah, I don’t want to be that person.

All the same, here are some tips on how to take criticism:

1. Was what they said true? The first time I got a two-star review on Amazon, I thought I was going to black out. Once I resumed breathing and took a few breaths in and out, I stopped seeing a dark devouring cloud and was again able to read. What they said was not a lie. It wasn’t even an insult. They said what I wrote about and said they weren’t really into it. What’s so bad about that?

2. Negative reviews sell books too. I am sometimes convinced to read a book because of what was said in a negative review. I probably would never have known the joys of the Space Team books by Barry Hutchison (where our hero is placed in a jail cell with a pantsless cannibal and later presented that naked butt roasted on a plate in outer space because he is mistaken for that cannibal and the aliens are trying to impress him) if it wasn’t for that really negative review. Some people just don’t understand the genius of a bonkers idea.

3. Reread your book. The most annoying review I have ever received was for my book ‘Hidden Library’ and placed on Amazon by my cousin. In it, she laments that I have used the word ‘bitch’ in my writing, calling the outburst antifeminist. I could have spurted blood from my eyes, I was so furious when I read her comments. All of my books are remarkably void of foul language and that particular instance was the antagonist berating our main girl for not being what he wants. My character’s refusal to conform makes it a feminist statement. Did my cousin even read the book? If she read it, did she understand it? If she was trying to support me, why didn’t she understand that anything less than a five-star review is no help at all? Terrible reviews are the most confusing when they come from people you know. I find the best thing to do is to reread your book and ask yourself honestly if you were treated fairly. Well, I do say the word ‘bitch’. And I could say it a few more times. Ah… it comforts me.

4. The number of reviews counts for more. On many sites, it doesn’t matter what your average star rating is as much as it matters how many people reviewed. So, if you can get 50 people to come bitch about how crappy your book is, you might paradoxically get it into more people’s hands than if it was a well-rated book.

5. Don’t evoke other authors' rage. If you get poor reviews, pray that it is just about the book and not because someone is pissed off with you. You don’t need to get into a revenge loop with another author because you both think the other one writes like a sandbag attached to a living seagull. You just don’t need that in your life, so keep your angry, true criticisms to yourself.

6. Remember that some people are bitches in real life… and that’s not on you. One of the perks of selling books in real life is that I sometimes get to talk to the people who buy my books. Sometimes, I sell my books to other authors and they’re not some anonymous person on the internet with a pimped-up photo. I know what they write. I’ve held their book in my hands. For some reason I don’t understand, they are buying my book. I’m writing their name in the front of it and signing my name beneath. I’m committing their name to memory (I frequent a used bookstore and it’s only a matter of time before I find one of my books there). They’re putting my book in their bag and walking away. They’re not impressed with me. They’re not impressed with my book. Why did they buy it? Well, they bought it to rip it apart. To read it and find anything and everything that they can to roast it. Later, their criticism will materialize as a one-star rating on Amazon with no review attached to it. Maybe they really hated my book. Maybe they were jealous. Maybe they think they know more about writing than me and I didn’t deserve anything more. Who knows?

7. Laugh all the way to the bank. Tee hee. I have their money. For me, every penny I get writing gets turned into more writing. It becomes a binder for me to place my paper edit drafts. It becomes a cover I bought the rights for. It’s a beautiful salad I eat when I’m doing a signing event all day and a hundred other things. Take the money, babe.

So, there you have my tips on how to control the rage. Although I may need to say bitch a few more times. So comforting.