Nathalie Clair... Tell Me About Yourself

I've always hated when guys who were trying to get to know me would say, "Tell me about yourself." What does that even mean? What exactly do you want to know? I don't know what information about myself would be the most meaningful to you.

Do you want to know about my upbringing, my career, my hobbies, my favorite color, favorite food, favorite movie? I'd rather just answer specific questions because I hate trying to come up with 3-5 sentences that summarize who I am.

I am much more complex than 3-5 sentences but then I am here with seemingly infinite space to tell you all about me, it feels like too much and not enough at the same time. But I'm not going to overthink it. I'm just gonna start.

The Beginning

I feel like most people probably assume Clair is my middle name, it's not, I don't have a middle name. Clair is actually part of my last name. For anyone who was wondering my name is pronounced just like Natalie without the h. So ignore the h. The h stands for I am Haitian and so Nathalie is actually the french spelling.

I came into this world on Halloween almost 36 years ago in Brooklyn, NY. My family came to this country from Haiti in the late 70s and early 80s following my grandfather's death. Because of this, I grew up in a bilingual household and so I speak English (obviously) and Haitian Creole.

I was born in Brooklyn but raised in Long Island. My mother decided she didn't want to raise me in Brooklyn and so she moved into her sister's house and that's where I was raised. I loved my childhood. I mean other than the fact I wasn't allowed to do anything because my family was so strict, it was still pretty great. Even though I didn't get to experience the true joys of Halloween until I was a teenager, teetering on the cusp of being too old to be trick-or-treating. We celebrated October 31st as my birthday only but they hate Halloween (party poopers).

My father wasn't really in my life but I never felt like I was missing out. My mother and I weren't homeless and struggling. We lived in a packed five-bedroom home surrounded by extended family, aunts, and cousins galore. I was loved and taken care of and so my father's absence never really bothered me that much.

Career: Teaching Vs. Writing

When I made the decision to go into the field of education, I didn’t have a strong desire to educate the youth or change lives through education. I just knew I liked kids and I needed a decent career. I was following what I had been told to do my entire childhood, go to college and get a good job. I knew nothing about what actually went into teaching. I had been a student, taking in information, but in that observation, it never occurred to me that teaching would be hard.

My interest in writing started when I took creative writing in my senior year of high school but I didn't fall in love with it until I took creative writing as an elective in college the summer of 2011. I loved it. My creative juices were flowing. I was recieving positive feedback and being inspired by my classmates. It was the first time I was excited about a class. When it ended I enrolled in fiction writing even though I didn't need any more electives. I just wanted to continue to be part of that type of environment.

Unfortunately once the regular school year started I was overwhelmed with student teaching and writing fell to the back burner until I graduated. I had a brief window of time between graduation and starting work for a summer program in which I put my attention back on writing. But yet again once my teaching career really got started, I didn't have the time, energy, or mental capacity to write while working a full-time job. My relationship with writing became very on/off. Whenever I had free time I fell right back into it but it was never for long and never consistent.

Teaching is tough and until you're doing it, it's hard to foresee the challenges that can arise. I love kids especially the really young ones in that 2-6 age range. They're fun and silly and just beautiful human beings on their own. In the classroom they're adorable little terrors (hehe).

I started my career as an assistant teacher in a private preschool and was eventually promoted to lead teacher. That promotion was really tough for me because I was unbelievably stressed out and I didn't get the support I needed from admin. Overall, 2015 was a really tough year for me. Work was toxic, my relationship was toxic, and I was the most unhappy I'd ever been. That year felt like a huge bully had knocked me down and just kept kicking the crap out of me every time I tried to get up. I fell into a deep depression. Towards the end of the year, I left the toxic relationship and found a new job. I was unhappy at the new job too, but I was unhappy in general. Two months later there was a misunderstanding and they let me go. I didn't fight it. I went home and stayed in bed, only getting up to eat and use the bathroom. I didn't care about showers. I didn't care about anything outside of my bedroom and whatever was entertaining me on Netflix. That's when I really realized I wasn't okay and so instead of looking for a new job, I didn't. In 2016 I took a much needed break.

I spent my 10-months off, focusing on rebuilding my physical and mental health. I went on a weight loss journey and started a blog to document it. Writing and I were once again reunited. I later started a second blog for my fiction. I was broke but I was genuinely happy.

I went back to teaching because that's what I had my degree in and I had no intention of starting over, but I also wanted to prove to myself I could do it. And to prove to the teachers that secretly banded against me when I got promoted because they felt I didn't deserve it. I can admit I wasn't a good teacher, but how could I have been when I was unsupported and unhappy. I was literally fighting to get through each day. I still wanted to be a teacher, a good teacher at that, and with time I've grown into a teacher I can be proud of. I might not be the best teacher to walk this Earth but I loved those kids and I did my absolute best. But that first year was when I really learned what I signed up for. Stress was just a part of the job that I'd come to expect.

A New Direction

Fast forward to 2020. I know it was a terrible time in the world, but it was one of the happiest times of my life. It was 2016 all over again but this time with money. I spent my days during the pandemic focusing on my physical and mental health. I started a YouTube channel documenting my weight loss journey and I absolutely loved it. I was working out every day, spending time with family, learning about filming and editing for YouTube, and absolutely loving my freedom.

When it was time to go back to work, that transition back into the classroom was really difficult for me. It was back to a stress that I didn't want to accept anymore. I realized the thing that I cherished most was my freedom. Being tied down to a job that was stressful and draining just didn't feel like how I wanted to spend my time while I'm here. I love kids, I love teaching, and I hope to incorporate it into my life in a way that feels good at some point.

Life is genuinely too short and so right now I need to be a little bit of a butterfly. I need to try new things and explore the things that make me happy. I have a very strong sense of faith for the most part that the money will come. And if it doesn't at least I know I tried. I have so much experience I can go back to teaching at any time, but I'm too old to not fight for my happiness right now.

I'm loving it here on Vocal because not only does it feed my need to be creative, but I also have the opportunity to interact, learn from, and be inspired by other writers. I haven't had an opportunity like this since summer of 2011. I'm grateful for those Facebook ads that pointed Vocal in my direction and reignited my passion for writing.

Now That I'm Free I Plan To:

• Spend time with friends and family
• Exercise
• Finally Lose This Daggone Weight
• Keep Working On And Building My YouTube Channel
• Write (of course)
• Read (of course)
• Learn about things that I'm passionate about
• Promote Positivity
• Watch Netflix/HBO Max (gotta unwind)
• Try New Things
• Be Happy

Beyond The Bio: 14 Adjectives That Describe Me

I could stop there. The information above is a complete bio. It's the facts of my life (I did not mean to reference a TV show there lol). But this section is where I want to get a little more real, a little more vulnerable, which feels like the point of writing an article about myself anyways. I'm going to let you guys in on the inner workings of my mind and the way that I see myself. This is something I've never done before, but as I'm becoming more and more okay with who I am, flaws and all, I think it's the perfect opportunity to show a little bravery and put it all out there.

1. Reflective: I'm a very reflective person. I reflect on who I am versus who I was, how I've changed, how I'm still the same, my actions, my interactions with others, a lot things in life. Like most people, I'm constantly learning about myself and learning to accept the things about me that I feel most people would judge.

2-3. Nice/ Laid-back: I'm way too nice. I'm generally a laid-back, chill, no beef, positive vibes all day individual, which equates to general niceness towards most people even to those that don't deserve it. I don't usually react instantly (unless I'm already in a heightened emotional state). Anger is a rare emotion for me and it doesn't trigger in me instantly the way it does for some people. I need a moment to digest the situation and reflect on if I truly care about one's actions/behavior/attitude/words and decide whether I'm even going to respond or if I'm going to quietly step away. I've always felt my mellow attitude towards any given situation made me appear weak.

4. Insecure: I have been overweight pretty much my whole life and it is a huge point of insecurity for me. It's affected my perception of myself, my ability to love myself, and my ability to feel worthy in relationships. I'm currently single and have been for almost 6 years. I ended my last relationship a week before my 30th birthday. I wanted to enter my 30's on a clean slate. I make a lot of poor choices when it comes to men based on this insecurity and my need for validation. I know these things about myself. I've definitely dated here and there over the past 6 years because I'm human and I get lonely. I steer away from anything serious because I'm still working on my self-love and until I'm in a really good place with that, I'm not ready for anything serious. It's taking much longer than expected but there was a whole huge chunk of time where I was dealing with family stuff and I wasn't thinking about myself at all.

5. Logical: Another reason I don't get angry easily is because I think about things from a logical standpoint. I always try to think of things from the person's point of view. Growing up I used to hear guys categorize all women as emotional, clingy, and sensitive. I hated being defined as that. I didn't want to be that stereotype. I was intentional about being different. In keeping my emotions in check so as not to perpetuate this sterotype I became one who thinks logically about most situations. Though I can let my emotions be seen with those I feel safe with.

6. Sensitive: I'm hurt easily but I don't show it. It's another point of weakness to me. I fear rejection and so a lot of times I keep my not so cute not so pretty emotions to myself.

I'm also a really happy, funny, intelligent, positive (glass half full), humble, and generous person. These I feel need no explanation. I'm an awesome person. That's a fact (ok I might be a little cocky too but in a fun way). I'm just not perfect and I can admit where I need work. But overall if you get to know me I'm pretty great!

If you'd like to follow my adventures:

• I'm also a writer on Medium @Nathalie_Clair. I tend to write mostly fiction/poetry here on Vocal but for right now all my personal essays/non-fiction stuff is on Medium. If you want more details on my teacher to writer/entrepreneur journey you can find a few articles about it over there.
• Positively Healthy Vibes is both my YouTube & Instagram in which I promote positivity and document my weight loss journey.
• On Twitter I am Nathalie_Clair1 (can y'all believe someone else has that so I had to add the 1) and that's where I promote myself as a writer.

And of course if nothing else I'll see you in the Facebook groups!