Mind Journal - A Walkthrough - Day 1

Thursday, 29th May 2025

21:30

How do I feel:

• Unsure – Although all feels well at this very moment, I’m unsure about the future. I’m trying to fight them off so I can sustain my good mood but thoughts of, ‘what’s next?’ are creeping in. As I sit now, I’m mostly content but in the back of my head, I am worried about the future. I’m worried about how Sam and I are going to progress, if I’ll make something of either writing or pool and if I’ll ever be able to shake the ghosts of my past.

• Tense – Sam and I had an unpleasant conversation on the way home from Susan’s. She was triggered by a conversation the three of us were having about life in general, but mostly marriage. I said something about not knowing who I would invite to the party, given that we couldn’t have an actual wedding, which reminded Sam of something I’s said previously on the topic.

• Guilty & Regretful – I feel guilty and regretful that I’ve put Sam through so much during our relationship. I keep trying to cut myself some slack a bit because a lot of my misgivings stem from issue I didn’t fully understand at the time, hence trying this diary, but it’s difficult not to feel guilty sometimes and the regret is something I’m going to have to learn to live with.

• Relieved – I’m glad that I’ve made a lot of positive decisions today, mentally and physically (i.e. self-reflection and drinking plenty water), which have put me in a good enough mood to manage the tension, guilt and regret such that, as I write, they have not consumed me or ruined my night.

Intentions / Achievements:

1. Get a haircut

2. Do hierarchy of needs

3. Join Gym

Things I’m Grateful For:

1. Having the opportunity to repair things with Samantha - Her willingness to work on things with me despite everything I’ve done is an absolute blessing.

2. Having a place to live - While Nana’s might not be the ideal place to be while trying to separate myself from family, I feel comfortable there. Being in a familiar, comforting, environment will serve me well while I’m trying to reignite my creative spark and build a new and improved relationship with Sam.

3. The Bridgford family - Grant (my best friend), Susan (his Mam) and Graham (his Dad) are more like a family to me than my own. Except for Sam, they’ve done more for me in my life than anyone else. I’ll be forever grateful to them.

My Happy Hour:

This is an odd one because I don’t know how I would spend only one hour. If I chose to focus on one thing for that time, my mind would punish me for not focusing on something else. For example, if I spent an hour playing guitar, my mind would tell me, during and after, that I should’ve used the time to write. Similarly, if I’d chosen to write, my mind would tell me I should’ve been reading or working out or anything else. Thankfully my current circumstances, being un-employed, allow me the extra time I need to experiment and find what would work if I only had one spare hour.

Today my happy hour has been spent doing this journal.

Journal Prompt:

What are your Goals?

What would you like to get from this journal?

My response:

This journal isn’t the only tool I’ll be using as I embark on my wellness journey but from it specifically, I’d like to see a clear representation of my progress. I’d like to use it as a means to have something tangible to look back on and see how far I’ve come. I’m starting to get stressed filling this section out, to be honest. The additional pages make me think I should have something more to say, that I need to say more or I’ll be short-changing myself and not get what I need from this exercise. I’m going to leave it there because I can always come back if I think of anything, but the stress is making me feel counterproductive.

My Day:

Morning – I had a productive morning. I read a couple of chapters from a couple of different books, got a haircut and played some guitar. Felt good heading to Sue’s to watch the dog.

Afternoon – Productivity continued throughout the afternoon. I had a nice conversation with Susan then, when she left, I did a lot of journaling and some creative writing too.

Evening – Disappointing evening. It was going well; Sam came to Sue’s after work for dinner and we had a nice evening eating a homemade curry and having a chit-chat.

It wasn’t until we left that the mood changed. Sam and I had an unpleasant conversation on the way back to hers. She was triggered by a conversation the three of us were having about marriage. I said something about not knowing who I would invite to the party, given that we couldn’t have an actual wedding, which reminded Sam of something I’d said previously on the topic.

We talked it out and Sam concluded that she was probably over-reacting, and we managed to talk it out. No harm done but still disappointing.