Living in the Middle

I struggle with an all-or-nothing mentality.

If I go to the gym, I need to push hard and go the distance until I’m exhausted, or it’s not even worth it.

If I sign up to bring a dessert to the church picnic, I will spend the afternoon mixing, baking, and decorating cupcakes from scratch instead of just picking up a dozen donuts on my way.

If I commit to eating healthy, I can’t have a single gram of sugar or it’s all out the window and I binge-eat a whole sleeve of Oreos.

... You get the idea.

The problem is, if I know I can’t do it all, I’ll nearly always opt to do nothing. And lately, that’s translated to me not writing at all. I don’t have time to write EVERYTHING I want. I don’t have the right words to write the perfect post just yet. So instead, I wait.

Well, tonight, I can’t wait any longer.

I still don’t have time to write eloquent, well-constructed posts, but I think that’s okay for right now. I’m learning that life doesn’t always allow for an all-or-nothing mentality.

I’m learning a lot of things.

So for now, while I practice living life in the middle, I want to share some other things that I’ve learned recently, in no particular order.

You may already know these things, or you may not yet. Wherever you’re at, I hope you’re encouraged to keep moving forward, even if you feel like you can’t give it your all.

After all, if you only have 10% to give and you give that 10%, then you’re giving 100%. (No, I wasn’t a math major. Just go with me on this.)

So… *deep breath* here it goes.

Things I’ve learned, in no particular order:

- It’s not my job to hold everybody’s pain. It’s not selfish to be careful about where I spend my empathy. God sees it all, and he can manage without me feeling everyone’s hurts all the time.

- I need a full three days to recover from a week of activity with family. But it’s worth it.

- Just because I can do lots of things and I want to do them all, doesn’t mean I need to do it all RIGHT NOW.

- It’s okay to not have a perfectly clean house all the time. (I mean, I’ve never had a perfectly clean house, but at least now I’m not so anxious about it.)

- Kindred spirits still exist.

- God is not bothered by my tears. In fact, while I was praying (and crying), I heard the phrase, “These rivers of tears are a sign of my living waters flowing from you.” Now, I don’t think that Jesus meant “cry me a river” when he said, “The water I give people will be like a spring flowing inside them.” But then again, I sure feel a whole lot better about crying in church now.

- I’m deeply fearful of disappointing people. This leads me into any number of otherwise easily avoided stressors, such as rehearsing how to request a rain check, or spending weeks agonizing over the need for a boundary-setting conversation. So far the burden of overextending myself is not greater than the burden of someone else’s [hypothetical and totally perceived] disappointment in me. But I’m working on it.

- I have a tendency to busy myself into avoidance and then claim there’s nothing I can do about it. But I’m working on it.

- It’s okay to take an impromptu trip to the pool one afternoon. The dishes can wait a few more hours, but the weather won’t always hold.

- Panic attacks feel like what I’ve always imagined a heart attack to feel like.

- I do, in fact, like avocados.

- Sometimes I don’t like my body. And that’s okay. I don’t have to like every part of my body every single moment. It’s still my body and it’s still doing its job.

- Just because I could bake something, doesn’t mean I have to. Sometimes store-bought bread is the best choice. And also, I probably don’t need those double chocolate fudge brownies even though I have all the ingredients for it and it would only take a few minutes to mix up…

- I don’t have to agree on everything with the people I look up to. I can respect them and also choose to live differently.

- Taking 15 minutes to reset and release my stress every now and then is more efficient than powering through until I break.

- Sometimes you think you know a person, and then they go through a divorce and you barely even recognize them anymore.

- “What is something you want others to know about you right now?” is a great conversation starter for introverts like me. (I actually got chills when my friend opened our time together with that question!)

- Life is harder and simpler and more beautiful and more terrifying than I ever expected it to be.

- God is gentler, kinder, and more patient than I ever believed Him to be.

If you've made it this far, thanks for joining me on a piece of my journey in letting go my all-or-nothing mentality.

I've come to accept the messy parts, the gray areas, the unresolved character arcs of my life. I've found that there's a richness that unfolds when I allow myself to be present, compassionate, and imperfect.

Somehow, in the junkyard of all my broken pieces, God is forming something beautiful – a mosaic of divine redemption. I just can't see it yet.

So, dear reader, wherever you are on your own path, I encourage you to hold life a little looser, live a little freer, and take those 15 minutes to breathe. It really does make a difference.