Life As We Know It

I'm laying in my pitch black room, well before my 4:45am alarm. This is the worst because at this point it's just me getting into my head. I'm just dreading to hear that alarm go off because that means it's time for work. I'm at the point where I really hate going to this job and for anyone, that's not a good thing. Like most people, I can't just quit. I have bills to pay and the money is good for someone in my position.

Today I'm having one of those "Why am I doing this?" moments. There has to be something I can do to change this. The problem with me is, I'm impatient. I want something to change over night and it's not going to happen. I know that if you want something to change, you have to put the work in but for some reason in my mind it's like I believe it can happen instantly.

I know what I want to do. In fact, there are many things I can see myself doing. Unfortunately, I'm a quitter. I start something and never see it through. If there was a honest "what do you do" fill out section I would put, Failed Musician, Failed Personal Trainer, Failed Author, etc. See there are many things that I'm interested in pursuing but I allow the simplest things to killed my dreams. With music, I can spend hours and write something that sounds amazing. The moment I get stuck I start to feel like I can do it. With writing, (Side Note: I use to be a good writer but haven't done it in forever. That's why I'm going Vocal, so that I can get back into writing. I've actually been working on a novel series.) I'll have all these ideas and I'll be ready to go but the moment I get stuck or can't phrase something right...you guessed it, I quit.

So back to the morning. I get up for work and I'm dressed almost ready to leave. I'm thinking I'm not ready to go in, so I call my job and tell them I'm going to be late coming in though I never gave an exact timeline. After I get off the phone with my manager, I slowly lay back in bed, trying not to wake up my girlfriend. I'm horrible at this because I'm not good at the quiet thing. She's definitely up at this point, even if I'm quiet it's like she's always up when I'm up. She never asks any questions when I suspiciously get back into bed when I'm suppose to be leaving. Most of the time she assumes I'm having massive anxiety (I suffer from an Anxiety disorder which is not fun. It just comes out of nowhere.) and she'll come over to my side of the bed and just lay her head on my chest, knowing that it calms me.

Around 7am, I decided it's time for me to head to work and get this day started. I get in my car and turn on the Elvis Duran Morning Show, like I do everyday. It takes me about 25-30min to drive the work. The whole drive I'm thinking, basically evaluating my life. Suddenly, I get this urge. I need to go somewhere, I don't know where but I need to go. Almost feels like I need to run. Automatically, I act on this urge and drive right pass my exit. I live in Connecticut now, only been here for about 2 months. Now I'm in new territory since I've never drove beyond my exit. A burst of excitement now takes over my body. My mood changes, I feel awake now, I feel happy and energetic. Exit signs are now passing by me. I'm discovering the locations that I heard of but never knew exactly where they were. As I'm entering Rhode Island, my work calls me, I'm assuming they are seeing where I'm at and if I'm still coming in. I ignore the call but I know it's time for me to end this little adventure. It's a dreading thing to do but I do it, making my way to work. It sucks I have to go to work but I am ready for the day to start.

I arrived at work and my manager just asked me if everything's okay. Only thing I could say is yes, and that I had a rough morning. They are okay with this and don't mark me as late or anything on my attendance record. The day goes on.

I'm new to Vocal. I have no idea how long I'm going to do this or if I'm even going to write any more than this post right here. I would love to keep it going. I want to use it to see improvements in my writing again, to connect with people, especially with this crazy virus making everyday life not normal. If you took the time to read this whole thing, Thank you. Please feel free to share your stories with me, especially if you can relate.