Journal 2

I have known loneliness along the way to arrive here. I have known loss and defeat. I have known love and fleeting bliss. In this strange void I have begun to call pergatory I am left to my own devices. The thoughts in my head have become overly crowded and I find I no longer recognize my focus. I have become unraveled. I have become disappointed. I have become nothing from something. I sit in the memories of self-destruction and reminisce.

It is you. It was always you and now that I am no longer cursed to ignore this fact, I must embrace the self. I abandon my mind and dwell in my soul. A place where my shadow and light reconnect to be one. Here I find the answers of my desire and purpose. Here I find the ashes of the past and cover myself in the truth of infinite simultaneous existence. In this truth I find myself allowing the wounds to no longer fester and ache. The scars are precious reminders of how to endure this dimension as I climb my way out of this infectious dread.

I was misled and developed in self-hatred. Where they placed knives in my back and the treacherous village forsaken me for their own benefit. I am grateful now but before I was merely blind and self deprecating. Until I realized the original paradigm was created by the ancients who declared my fate centuries ago, I was no more than an ignorant victim making up nightmares. I was the delusion and the disgrace I felt.

I cut the decay from my body. I removed the rust that truly reveled how long I had been in a slumber. Not one of rest but one of confusion and fear. I have made a decision that will determine what will come to be. I know not to expect or to predetermine the outcome. I know I must focus on the journey of the present. For only now exists with our perceptional capabilities. I will no longer waste what energy I have left to look back into the abyss of what is forever gone. I place a handwritten note upon a shelf I hope they will one day find. A confession of my dreams and how I failed to commit to what I wanted. Those ideas are decrepit and serve me not. For, I was just another person lost in the winds of change.

There will be suffering as I embrace the storms that create meanigful shifts. I will grieve the doomed ones. I will acknowledge my love as I end the path of resistance, I bestowed upon myself. I once ignored the truth in every way I possibly could. I am the protector who will die before allowing anything to compromise my family. The chosen ones are those who make up my family. They will never abandon me. They will always hold the foundation of trust as a sacred oath. I will lead those I have been summoned to guide through the dimensions. Just as I follow those who lead the way before me. This is all infinite and temporary. A strange place we can't seem to comprehend fully. In honesty I will say it never mattered understanding the chaos. I was given a strange gift to blossom in the chaos of this place. I stumbled and fell. I did not want to return. I did not want to get up. I lost momentum and I lost my mind in fabricated realities like cancer eating its host.

I will ascend and I will create. This is why we came here together as one.