It's the Loneliness.....

January 18th, 2022 11:11PM

I'm not going to lie. The toughest thing wasn't getting a job. It wasn't dealing with DCS. It wasn't even finding a place to stay. The toughest thing was loneliness. That's the part that they don't teach you about in those classes. They show you how to do everything but make friends. You meet people and some of them turn out to be wonderful and then they find out about where you used to be at and why you were there and they no longer want anything to do with you. They're mad at you because of what they think you did or they feel like you're a threat to them. They don't want to take the time to think about what's really going on. They don't want to let you grow. They just don't want anything to do with you. It hurts and the truth is that you're doomed to deal with it over and over again for the rest of your life as long as you decide to meet new people. Some people will tell you that if you have family, then that's all you need. That your family is enough. But what if your family has a family. They have lives of their own. What if you live alone? You think your family is going to come over for dinner every night? Everything will be all good for maybe the first month and then it sets in that you're out and established and now you have to move forward. People will expect you to find some job that eats all your time up. A job cannot fill that void for other people in your heart. Maybe if you trust God, He will put the right people in your heart. That's one of those things that takes patience. And everything about learning patience hurts. I don't have any advice for you on this because I haven't solved it either. All I know is that I am sick of feeling lonely. I lived with Erica for 2 years. Hunter was in my life for 3 months. After that, I was surrounded by people for 20 years. Now I live alone by myself in a house. The silence is jarring. I have to run noise in the background to keep myself from going insane. I have cried more in the past 80 days than I have in the last 20 years. It is these silences that compound my loss and that's the one thing no one has figured out yet. It's not just that I am alone but in my loneliness I am reminded of everything that I lost.....Hunter.....Erica.....Hunter....20 years of my life.....Mom.....Dad.....Hunter.....you get my point? They say things will get better. I dearly pray so. I trust God. I really do. But at the same time, it still hurts that people will reject me not because of who I am but because of what they think I did. I'm a good person. It's not so hard to see that once you get to know me....but you have to get to know me first. Once you get to know me you will see that I'm not such a bad person after all. Sometimes bad things happen to good people and this was one of those times. It was a horrible thing that happened but I am determined to make the most of my second lease on life. I have paid my debt to society and all that I ask is that people give me the benefit of the doubt and get to know me as the person that I am, not the person who you think I ought to be. It's amazing that in today's world, we try to rail against pre-conceived notions and we create safe spaces for certain groups and yet we do not act consistent in this. When we meet someone who challenges our notions of what we think is right and proper, we tend to shrink back and be afraid and even attack. If that is how you are and you have no wish to change from that, then so be it. But I grew as a person while I was in prison and I intend to keep growing. Loneliness may be the killer, but I intend to seek life...not life in prison, but a life of freedom and happiness.