inconsitency

I like to think I am a jack of all trades, I think anything I attempt I find a way to make myself excel at, and yet, I have always used all these talents to be an accomplice to something else, to be a shadow rather than the person. When it comes to myself, and what I would like to do with my existence, I find myself constantly wrapped up in overthinking rather than being able to see how capable I truly am.

I am stuck between knowing exactly what I want and not knowing where to begin with all of it, at times I get stuck feeling as if I do not carry the capacity to do it for myself. I am sitting waiting for my magic to happen yet I won't allow it. I create a whole plan of what it is that I want, then I focus on all the micro things about it and loop myself 3,000 different paths on how to go about it that I create circles that lead me back to the thought: "this is all just too much"

I used to tell my sister my anxiety had no way out, no matter what option was presented to me, there would always a problem that I did not want to face. I know I am very competent and dedicated enough to complete everything I wanted, IF I wanted to; and I do, but at times not hard enough, because I still believe that I am meant for nothing more than I am meant for something.

I procrastinate way too much over everything and beat myself up for not being able to stay on track after the deadlines for what I set up pass; I keep my dreams, just that, dreams.

"procrastination is just disrespect towards yourself. You procrastinate because you don't respect yourself. When someone else asks us to do something we quickly do it and we make sure it gets done, without fail because we respect that person; yet when it comes to ourselves and we say we are going to do something and we don't, it is because we don't hold any respect towards ourselves and what we want to accomplish."

-Hindz

Perhaps this is why I never am able to stay consistent with my own life, hobbies, and actions. I want so badly to be under someone else's rhythm so that I don't have to create my own or worry about my own existence, because as long as I fail or succeed under someone else I am not failing myself; I harbor so much anxiety about not being able to achieve my own rhythm that I subconciously get caught up in the stream of everyone else's rhythm.

As a child, I switched from many different career ideas and as I grew up I thought I'd be dead before I had to make an actual decision. While I think I am good at everything I attempt, I also believe I am no good for any opportunity I am given despite my talent and when their is opportunity to excel I find it hard not to be someone else's shadow in the opportunity.

A vicious cycle I find hard to move forward from. I have realized I am so stuck on the idea that someone will put me in the position I need to be in, and by that I mean someone will assume and take on the role and position that I want to be in and I will follow suit.

Maybe this ties into how growing up, I felt I was nothing more than baggage and as an adult, I feel as if I am nothing more than a prize, an asset, or maybe just considered the best tool in the shed. I have never thought of the ability my own talents provide me and the capability I have to take myself anywhere on any path I desire. It is a weird sense of self-worth to have. I feel as if I know I am powerful, yet I am scared to use that power for myself.

I cannot ever bring myself to change the things I need most in my life; almost as if perhaps I think I am not worthy of being better or maybe I am sitting there waiting to have someone scream at me to do it, hurl insults at me until I do it just like my childhood; perhaps I am waiting for someone or something to violently abuse me into the position I need to be in, so long as someone else determines where I should be and what I should be doing.

Accomplishing things for myself has always been my biggest challenge.

I feel as if I am sitting in my house with all the curtains drawn closed while the sun shines outside and the only time I open my curtains to see outside is when night falls. No matter what anyone tells me, no matter what I hear, see or watch it is only ever 10 seconds of motivation that build up within me to make me feel good but not enough to get me to roll into action.

I used to tell myself it only takes five seconds of stupid crazy courage to start something, but I am starting to realize that it takes more than just five seconds of stupid courage to get anywhere, it takes 5 seconds of crazy stupid courage to start anything and an insane amount of self-worth and determination mixed with discipline to continue forward with what those five seconds got started.

Confidence backed by capability.

it has been a trail of inconsistency thus far in my life, I've fail to realize it is because while I think I have self-worth, I actually really don't. I have self-worth in how I think I should be treated but fall short of realizing what I deserve in life is also linked to my self-worth. I'll never let anyone walk over me or try to make me feel small, yet I'll shrink myself down when it comes to thinking about all the accomplishments I want in life.

My inconsistency is paired with my low self-worth that seems to disguise itself only because I have learned to use my voice to tell people what I will tolerate when it comes to our co-existing lives. See, I pair being treated well to having accomplished everything I've wanted because finally the little girl in me doesn't feel trampled or used and abused.

Yet, I hear the little girl in me telling me I never listen to the things I need to because I am too scared to heal properly and see what that might look like, what I might look, feel, and be like if I learned to use my power for more than just setting boundaries.

I realized this when I was in the middle of watching an anime one of the most epic battles, a battle that took ages to reach, a huge lead up to this fight where the villain goes to kill the hero and tells him the only thing he is qualified for was death. I felt as if that is the perfect way to explain why I cannot bring myself to move forward in life at the pace I desire.

I feel as if I am only qualified for death, most of the time I feel as if I am the sacrifice in most if not all situations. When I think of my life and my dreams I realize that I hold no real value to it because I lack the realization that it could be possible. I fail to stay consistent on my path because deep down, subconsciously I still believe I was meant for nothing more than to suffer. There would be no way out for me even if I tried because suffering is my spot in life.

My inconsistency can also be summed up to the fact that I am impatient and ungrateful towards my life. I keep trying to prove to the universe that I am no good, that the only thing I could be qualified for is death, yet each day that it wakes me up waiting for me to realize that the reason I wake up everyday is because I am full of potential that I am unwilling to release.

They say angels and the universe are only as loud as you allow yourself to hear and I'm a bad listener and only willing to hear what I need to when I feel good about myself; I hear what they have been shouting for years but I let it slip out the other ear each and everytime they whisper or shout. I hear them shout my self worth but I let it slip out so that I can continue hearing that I am no good for life. It is an addiction to suffering perhaps, no I don't want to be in a bad place in life but I can't bring myself to allow healing to take place from all the things that hurt because it scares me to have to be faced with all I've been through, all that I've faced and while it is comforting to know I was strong enough to still be standing here, at times I cant help but feel like I was dragged through the mud, that I am what the cat drug in.