I Want To Look While I Win

"I think perfection is ugly. Somewhere in the things humans make, I want to see scars, failure, disorder, distortion."

– Yohji Yamamoto

For some reason, for as long as I can remember, anything less than perfection seemed worthless. 

I'm not sure how this sort of thinking developed for me, but I can definitely point to a few places in my life, where lack of perfection, whether in my own creation or others, made me very irritable. 

It felt like I was developing an allergy to things that I deemed imperfect. 

What makes it even more troublesome is that it can become a very addictive compulsion.

Without noticing, you might treat things without enough respect or kindness when you find that it doesn't live up to your standards. 

This can show up in how you treat yourself but also how you treat others. 

Now kind in mind, perfection, in the eye of the beholder, is a worthwhile experience. 

Someone who sees perfection from a distance gets an opportunity to appreciate another level of existence and it's a wonderful experience. 

Perfection from the eyes of the creator is another thing. 

It represents what I feel is an endless trap of human expression.

It feels like serving a master who never gets satisfied. The process continues and continues in a never-ending spiral. 

Now, I'm not saying that perfection has no benefits. 

I think it does and I believe that's the main reason we see it so often. 

It pushes people to find more avenues for expressing themselves. It pushes the envelope of what could be possible if given enough time and effort. 

I'm sure there are folks out there who have benefited from pushing themselves to find a more acceptable outcome by staying the course. 

What I'm addressing has to do with what that process is like for the creator. Acceptable outcome or not, the creator I believe, experiences bouts of self loath. 

Oftentimes, when a creator fails to produce something perfect, they almost feel like the process and journey of creating was worthless. 

They give up early in the process and try to start with a clean slate in the hopes of avoiding imperfect results along the way. 

They not only throw away the project and results but also mentally check out from the journey and any possible lessons. 

And this happens over and over and over again. 

I can attest to this myself. 

When projects didn't seem to go in the favored direction, I would feel more inclined to start over, or just forget the project altogether to find something more thrilling. 

I would say to myself, "this has become boring, on to the next thing!"

What I'm really saying is "this doesn't look like what I initially envisioned and I'm struggling to have faith that it will turn out alright in the very end."

It took me a while to really see the second perspective because I would jump from project to project. 

The adventure was simply more attractive than figuring out the challenges of previous projects. 

At some point, I just couldn't help but notice the pile of unfinished projects on my computer, notebooks, and whiteboard: all of which exist as constant reminders. 

So imagine this, each and every day, I look at my reminders only to feel a sense of betrayal to Abraham who initially, with ambition and excitement, took on the challenge of bringing these ideas to fruition. 

I'm gotta be honest, it doesn't feel all that great. 

And for a creator, which I assume is to continue creating, it becomes a scar that sips away motivation. 

So I thought to myself, I have to be mindful of those moments and just embrace the ugly: the scars, failure, disorder, distortion in hope of keeping my candle lit, many times to come.