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I Think Writing Is Done With Me

A writer's quandary

By Breanne RandallPublished 2 years ago 3 min read
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I think writing is done with me

In college, someone once asked me how I felt about wasting my parent’s money on an English degree. When I responded that I was on a full ride academic scholarship he said, “Well, wasting your own time then since you’re not going to be able to use it in the real world.”

See, I started college young. I graduated high school at 14 and started university at 15. I had three degrees by the time I was 21. I’m not saying that to brag, I swear. Merely presenting evidence that, well, I’ve been at this for a while. So, no, I’m not done writing, but maybe it’s done with me?

As a perpetual optimist and Mrs. Positivity Pants, I’ve been holding onto hope and belief for so long, I’ve almost forgotten how heavy a burden they are to carry. Hope is exhausting. And when you pair that exhaustion with imposter syndrome, you wonder if it’s all really worth it. Or maybe that’s just me.

I sling my words at a dartboard, hoping they’ll hit the bullseye – only to discover I was throwing a fork.

So, I go back to the drawing board. Whittle away a few tines. My gum eraser is vanishing quickly. But honing your craft is a lifelong pursuit, after all. “Write what you know,” they say. “Write what you want to read,” they say. But those two things never seem to be mutually exclusive.

And always, it’s the internal struggle of calling myself an author if I’m not published. Oh sure, I’ve written for national print publications. I was a writer for Disney. I’ve written interviews with famous singers and corresponded with famous authors. But that’s what it was…writing. “Author” seems, in my mind, relegated to the ideal of being a traditionally published author. That’s been my goal all along. And nearly twelve years after I penned my first novel, I’m still here. Questioning the void. Wondering if it’s this hard for everybody.

It’s not that I’ve run out of words or that my dream to someday be a traditionally published author has suddenly withered and died. It’s not even that the words won’t come. It’s just that…every time I get my hopes up, they’re dashed so succinctly I have to work hard not to take it as a sign. And for the first time in my eleven-year writing career, I feel like giving up. Like maybe, writing is done with me.

It took me almost nine years and three books to get an agent. It was that third book I wrote where I finally followed the, “Write what you know and what you want to read” advice. It took another year and a half to edit the manuscript (thanks to Covid and a pregnancy that had me hospitalized multiple times). And now, it’s been on submission for over a year. The best/worst part? It’s gotten really great feedback. Several editors wanted to acquire it but had a book too similar and couldn’t have a competing title. Other editors loved it and sent it to their team, who also loved it, but the head of the team said no. It’s been so close so many times. And I’ve absolutely released the hope that it’ll sell.

But now, every time I sit down to work on my current novel I think, “If that one wasn’t good enough, why on earth would this one be?” Imposter syndrome, welcome. It’s like I’m gaslighting myself. And I’m sure some of you reading this are probably thinking, “Just self-publish!” But that’s not my dream. I have two kids, I homeschool, and don’t have the time or money it takes to successfully self-publish a book. Because yeah, it’s not just about the dream of having my words read, I’d also like to make a teeny tiny bit of money from it. (I know, I know *cringe.*)

All that to say, I feel a little hopeless.

I know that after I give myself some time, the hope will rebuild and pressurize until I’m vibrating with it. I guess the question is, do I let it? Because I don’t know if I’ll ever be done writing, but right now, it feels like writing is done with me.

If you enjoyed this or have ever felt similar, please leave a comment and feel free to subscribe for more stories (I swear the other ones are more uplifting!).

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About the Creator

Breanne Randall

I'm an agented author with IGLA, writing short stories and sharing traditional publishing/querying how to's while my book is on submission. Thanks for stopping by!

Find me on Instagram @houseofrandall

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