I'm in an Entrepreneurship (TM)

August 03, 2021

My first coaching lesson with Monique had been planned for some time. I honestly just had no clue what to expect though. She mentioned it would be challenging, it would force me to really look at myself and how my personal life (which I told her was a hot mess) reflected itself in my business. She was determined to work with my on changing my mindset without fully knowing what she was working with. I knew her through a professional setting so was somewhat comfortable enough to get personal with her.

Today was my first time sitting with her and fully discussing my goals for my business. It looked like this:

Mo: So, what's one goal you would like to accomplish for your business?

Me: Get more clients into my practice. Specifically, clients who have either neck, back or hip complaints as their main issue.

Mo: Well, what's holding you back right now from doing that?

Me: Confidence in properly monetizing the service I provide for my clients.

Mo: Looking very surprised at the way I worded this. Have...have you thought about this before?

Me: Oh yes, absolutely. I overthink.

No one really realizes that I actually think a lot about the things I do. Most likely because I am the person that decides to do the things I know I shouldn't do. knowing full well the consequences will bite me in the ass. But really, don't we all do that?

Some of her questions made me uncomfortable.

What prevents you from feeling confident? What if you became your own best friend instead of your own worst enemy?

That's kind of the hardest thing. I admitted to someone, looking them in the eye that I had no confidence in my Self, despite knowing I should.

Look, I've had people tell me I am fairly accomplished as a person.

I am a single mother of two boys (4/7) who swallows her pride and works with their dad, my ex husband (toxic relationship) to make their lives better. I got fired from a job I had for four years after never being fired from a job before and having a sparkling work history. I do my best to prioritize my family, friends, and a career in their according places while trying to experience life while I can. Let's not forget that yes, I tried dating again but that is also another area of life I fail at.

So it's hard for me to feel like I accomplished something in life while seeing how I have utterly failed at so much. This definitely hits hard against my self esteem and my self confidence. In previous therapy sessions, my therapist pointed out how I also have deep rooted issues because there's some things I have been told while growing up which has also affected how I see myself.

Majority of my inner conflict comes from the my lack of self confidence. Which Mo seemed puzzled with because from her perspective, I shouldn't have these issues. Crippling self esteem issues in someone who seems otherwise confident in themselves? No way.

Anyway, to answer one of her questions: What prevents you from being confident?

I prevent myself from being confident because even though I am good at my trade, I do not know if I am truly worth the money I ask for in exchange for what I do. How do you put a price on a skill? One that you have to hope sticks to a client. Massage is not like tattooing or aesthetic work; people will not immediately see a change in themselves. We make people's bodies feel better and to some degree we heal them, depending on the experience of the therapist. This lack of confidence does exist in all aspects of my life, in case you're wondering. I do look myself as a mom, a sister, a friend, a daughter and think "I am so mediocre. I could be better despite being not awful." I am my own worst enemy. No one on this planet can stop me from achieving and accomplishing, except for myself. Which led her to ask me "Does that thought serve you? No. So what if you saw yourself as your own best friend?"

Spoiler Alert: Though I have friends, I do not have a best friend. There's a couple reasons for that which boils down to me feeling like that void was filled by my ex husband or my sister. Neither of which, I learned as a thirty two year old adult, actually qualifies as a best friend. So being my own best friend is kind of where it's at. If I had a best friend, would I treat that person as I treat myself? Hell no. I would be supportive, not just morally but actively! I would always hype that person up, give them compassionate honesty when needed, and provide an uplift whenever they needed it. I'd be the first to drop everything for a best friend. Strangely, that is not how I treat myself and that definitely needs to stop.

On the one hand, I am totally comfortable telling a bunch of strangers who have never met me how I feel like I am still a complete raw potato despite baking for the right time at the proper temperature. I know I was provided with tools to be successful. I know I received love, support and a good amount of nurturing as I grew up. This just compounds the guilt that I should be better off than where I am.

I never stop moving because movement is life, right? That's how the saying goes? I am terrified of stopping and checking myself for injuries because I know I'll have some that are pretty deep and possibly infected. Yet on the other hand, I kind of have to because I don't want it to transfer to my boys.

I have some homework to do. I have growing to accomplish and break throughs in my future. My bravado and bullshit will only go so far.

Wish me luck. This is my first entry.