I'll Wash You Dry

Being an adult sucks, that's just the point blank truth of it. You have to follow the laws or you get put up, you have to clean and cook or no one else will. It's a lot easier to want to do that when you feel whole. Even when you don't feel whole you still have to find a way to get yourself up and do the damn thing. Laying about and watching as your entire world crumbles doesn't do anyone any good.

All I've ever really wanted out of my life was to make an impact, be it small or large, be it on a person or a people. If I can't function on a day-to-day basis there is no way that I can be impactful in a positive manner and the VERY last thing I want is to be impactful in a negative manner. I might not throw all my cigarette butts where they should go but I try and pocket them most of the time. I might get take out in a Styrofoam box but it's hard not to, especially in this day and age. I might waste water here and there and I might let things slide by because it's easier than starting a fight over every little thing.

I try to make things better everywhere I go, but at a certain point I can't continue to give and give and give. I hate the guilt I feel when I tell people no, or when I leave someone's house and I didn't finish their dishes. I hate feeling an obligation to give 150 percent of myself to others. I'm learning to cope with the inability to do so. I'm learning to find that middle ground of being helpful and still taking care of me but it's a work in progress. I'm still haunted by ghosts, but I know I can feel their presence. I see it in everything, I see it in the little things, I see it in the big things.

I can't change the past but I can redirect the future. I can't take back all the times I took for granted but I can be grateful now. Someday I hope an apology will be enough, someday I hope to be able to voice this in person, someday I hope to have the good parts of that life back. I don't live for the past, but I can remember. I can strive to not repeat the bad but to repeat the good. I can take all the lessons and try my best to live them in the present.

I can light my own way if I have to, its just a hell of a lot easier with some help. The dishes just don't dry themselves in a speedy manner and the conversation and laughs and smiles made it so much easier. I miss my dryer, I miss my friend, I just miss.