I hate my job...who doesn't?

The title says it very clearly why I am writing these words. I hate my job. Not all aspects, but a good majority of what I am tasked to do. It is demanding and sucks the life and energy from me. I am left wanting, knowing that I am good at what I do, hoping for approval. But it doesn't come often. It feels more like continuous criticism reinforcing my internal struggle for acceptance. I am the general manager at a decently sized restaurant and all I want to do is prove that I am capable. I know I am, most days. Other days I feel as though I am the biggest fraud, pretending like I know what I am doing. My confidence has begun to deteriorate from all of myself that I have given to my job and the responsibilities. It slowly chips away at my soul each time I must address employee issues, concerns, firings, write-ups, etc....anything involving hurting someone else, even if it was their fault. I feel it. I know that to be a leader you must be able to handle these hard moments, but I don't know if I can anymore. It is wrecking me and adding to my anger.

Since the pandemic has started, I have had to re-evaluate what I expend on my employees but at the same time I know it must be done. I can't leave this position. I live in an expensive town and I am the breadwinner for my family. I pay all my own bills and have gotten myself to this position in my life. I can't go back to the type of poor I once was. I've gotten comfortable with my lower-middle class existence. It isn't much but it's the most I have ever had and I did it. I wish I could leave but how does anyone do it without knowing what next. Or having any spare money?

EDIT: Not enough word count for original posting but since then something has come up that has helped me to find the words I need to complete this.

Today, I was informed that I would be asked to meet to discuss my performance. I was told by a coworker, and friend, that they feel that my someone, the one individual to finally reach my inner cold heart, is toxic to me and they are "concerned" for me. I believe this was done simply to create a path to fire me. I have had to create these paths before to fire employees. I know what it is. I am being pushed out and I have no way to combat it. They say that this toxic person in my life is taking my time away from work. Isn't it supposed to be like that? Shouldn't my priority be my personal life when we are both battling inner demons? What they don't realize is that it is my work that is the toxicity that I am currently living with and need to get away from. Again, I can't. This town will eat us alive without this position for the time being. I hate being trapped in a situation where I know what needs to happen and when, but I am forced to endure just simply to survive. Life is tough enough, why does work feel they have any say in it at all?

I am not sure if this is what this site is meant for but it is providing me a chance to breathe through the words that I can't seem speak in my life. I don't want you to know me or who I am. That is not what this is about. These words and future stories are about expressing my truest self without having to really share me. I don't wish to. It makes me feel uncomfortable. I don't want you to know me but I hope this helps someone else silently connect as well.

-K