i forgot to remember

I felt my heart racing as I walked into the backstage waiting room. Sweat dripped down my face yet I barely noticed the heat, I was more focused on the fear in my heart. I sat in my row next to the people I had been singing next to all year. I had never been at a competition before for choir and I was ecstatic to perform. My leg bounced up and down as I listened to the group before us perform. I listened as 45 people became just a few voices. I listened as their harmonies blended and made a beautiful sound. They were good. I started to become nervous. I wanted to win. Of course this was not all about winning but it was a pretty large part, at least for me. My head shot up at the sound of my director talking. She said that we were going to be amazing and not to worry too much, this did not seem to calm my nerves, and by the looks of it, it didn't calm any other nerves. I plunged back into my thoughts, practicing the words of our songs in my head as to not forget them. This action actually made me more scared to forget the words. What would I do if I forgot? I could ruin it for everyone. It would be so obvious and everyone would blame me. I don't want that. I can't forget the words. I repeated them over and over again and the time began to pass faster. I was ripped from my thoughts by the sound of loud applause. Holy shit, I thought to myself, that is a lot of people. I had sung in front of big crowds before, but never ones who were judging me. My director signaled for us to stand. I heard the clinking of dozens of heels against the wood floors as we began to shuffle into our lines and proceed onto the stage. I felt my nerves fade away, strangely. They were replaced with excitement. I was beyond excited to sing some amazing songs and wow these judges. I took my place on the risers and took a deep breath as the piano played our starting pitch.

Thinking back, I do not remember much of that performance. I remembered all the others from that tour perfectly well. I remembered all the performances from that competition perfectly well, even from that day, just not this one. I have thought long about why I cannot remember it and it was not until a friend described a similar feeling that I finally understood it. She was talking about hiking and the feeling when you make it to the top and are just so content that you black out. I cannot relate to this hiking example, as I am an avid and proud hiking-hater, but I think that everyone has something that gives them a similar feeling. Another friend of mine said she often will blackout when on stage performing for theatre. This was the only way I could describe what had happened. I knew this performance had been the best performance of my life so far. I knew that people raved to me about this peformance for months after, but I didn't remember it. I remembered walking onstage and offstage, yet nothing inbetween. It's funny to think that something that is so important and could hae such a huge impact on someone's life could be so easily forgotten. Well, I guess it wasn't forgotten if it was never remembered. I have tried to figure out what could be the cause for the blackout that occur on that blistering hot summer day in July of 2018. The only conclusion I have made is focus. I was so beyond focused on what I was singing that I forgot to remember. Can you believe that? I forgot to remember one of the most monumental performances of my life.