I Feel Like a Bee with No Wings

Hello my loves. I've been away for a while. Don't fret, I haven't been lost in the midst of writer's block. In fact, I've been lost within myself. I've been terribly unwell these past few months. I've spent many weeks confined to my bed, and then given medication to which I had an allergic reaction, too. My face flared up, burning red, like someone had placed two hot irons on my pale cheeks. It swelled and nearly covered my eyes - it was awfully itchy.

Thankfully, summer in Britain has been cancelled, but that doesn't mean it has not left me feeling like I am missing out on my life. The terrible twenties, that is. Whenever I get really ill, my disability exacerbates everything. I simply cannot walk, my stick is rendered almost useless. It's infuriating, especially when all I want to do is get through the day doing normal things; laundry, and washing up. It bothers me so much when I can't do these basic things.

I feel like a bee with no wings, watching every other bee flying past my small window with glee.

It's not the first time in my life I have been confined to something as the world keeps moving. It sucks, but I guess that's why I have a vivid imagination. Stories like I'm sure most of us here on Vocal can relate, allow us to escape our reality and dive into another world similar yet different from our own.

Yet recently I've been finding imagination to be a double-edged sword. I think most bookworms would rather live in the worlds of their books than the world they are reading their book in. Our imaginations can be cruel when we return to the reality we escaped from. Sometimes I find myself re-diagnosing my disability and my capabilities. I begin to remind myself that life isn't the way things I want it to be, and the hard-pill of acceptance is a gut-wrenching one to swallow.

I believe it was Seneca who said our imaginations can do far more damage than reality ever could. Yet Einstein reminds us that imagination is our inner source of power. It's a difficult sword to balance with a heavy handle.

I put off writing here for a while because of this heavy handle. Vocal is full of incredible creative writers and even though I've been a Vocalist for nearly two years, I still get intimidated when I read an amazingly well-written piece. I automatically think gosh, I could never write so well. I've had a handful of Top Stories and I am a top creator for the FYI section, yet I still feel I can do better. After all, I am yet to place in a challenge.

I know art takes times but god I can be a little impatient. I feel like I let myself down if I don't do well on Vocal or any other project I attempt to get off the ground. I self-sabotage all the time and I don't even mean to. I'm trying to unlearn this. Well, I am trying to unlearn a lot of things.

In the space of three months, I've been given a Borderline Personality Disorder (BDP) and Eating Disorder (ED) diagnosis, as if the disability wasn't enough? I guess I play the role of the tortured artist rather well. I think anyone in my shoes would run a mile into their own imagination. Yet I've struggled to string a sentence together, neglected my heart, and shut off my old-soul. I've been living in two minds of thought, wondering what I am really missing, and not writing.

Plot twist...here I am writing about not writing, because I am honest. I speak my truth. I started Vocal to explore my writing imagination and voice, find my tribe and build and audience, but the one thing I've always wanted to be is a role model that encourages others to speak their truths rather than bury them. One who can make a real difference in this world one read at a time.

Why? I get people asking me questions about writing all the time, and they always act as if I am doing better than them or more successful at writing, and in my imagination I want to believe this. The reality is I am not. I have my struggles; I have my moments. I am a writer, a tired mum and a professional in procrastination. I am human. Not a robot. Human, albeit slightly wonky. Taking each day as it comes. One article at a time.

So I won't be posting as regularly to concentrate on being healthy and in tune with myself once again, but that doesn't mean I won't be posting at all. I will. I don't think I will ever stop. How can I? It's Vocal.

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Stay safe, stay hopeful and stay blessed! :)