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I Fear Failure I Fear Success

A self assessment of value

By seanPublished 3 years ago 3 min read
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Embossed cowhide slippers. Size 43. Leather sole wood heel. Made in Tucson, Arizona

I told a mentor of mine the other day, “I was equating my own personal value to what I make, causing myself to fumble over small decisions”. Just sharing that with someone provided motivation for the shoes I am sharing with you today. Finding myself halted by effectively what was fear of myself allowed space for me to start.

Even after finishing the project to a point of personal satisfaction I still question; is my value in my work or my work is my value? Are they the same?

I’m not sure anymore. I understand my value as a human is not 1:1 with productivity. Is there a ratio that can offer insight? Financial success aside, I’d prefer to live a life outside of the statement “people will pay you a lot for ____”.

We’re seeing each other re-define this ratio more and more. Arts are embraced emotions are empowered and people are learning individuality is what makes us special. It’s a wonderful thing before money. After money it’s heartbreaking. The lines of social success and monetary success become blurred by advertising subsidies and the seen or unseen hustle of independent employment. How do you win?

I guess my trouble is where no matter what it all lands on this idea of employment or financial survival. What happens to the person who wants to work for free? Someone who’s payment is the process. Have they won? Is social subsidy a thing?

I’ve made clothes for years now and am confident in pricing these items as I am able to understand the objective value in my ability. I still do not feel comfortable charging for these things. I prefer they be of a world that money can not hold influence. There’s something special about gifting an item you’ve made to someone. You can not buy this experience.

While I further my exploration into making. I recognize this equating of value to my work will never end. There’s a fluctuation of value that comes with learning. It’s a beautiful thing. It allows us to question our reality every time we challenge ourselves to something new.

This is the third pair of shoes I have made. I struggled even starting because I was worried I wouldn’t be able to make a product equal to time spent. It’s a foolish idea based in the prospects of money. Like everyone money is a very real thing in my life. Until I understand how social subsidies operate it’s a necessity. It’s hard to give time now for later. It’s funny how fear works.

Every pair of shoes I have made are a reflection of my thought process. They tell a story of me exploring my own ideas of value and personal meaning. Whether that story is translated to others is more difficult to say. Things should be made to be shared, not to be sold.

I view my trade and the skills I am currently building as means to happiness. They are constant reminders of the value of self progression and accomplishment. I fear failure and I fear success.

All of these fears are embodied by the risk of a single cut of textiles. The emphasis on a step from which you can not go back. The internal depth of decision making vs improvising. There’s value in risk. There’s value in fear of learning.

I recently told a mentor “I made the yellow shoes. I’m learning more and more with every pair”.

Where is the value now?

I constantly remind myself I may have no idea where I am going but I know I will get there.

Kin to a blank page, I embrace the fear of nothingness.

apparel
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About the Creator

sean

CCA BAF 23

No, Tommy—listen, I’m telling you. My wife started brushing her teeth with HOT water.

I have no idea what it could be. I mean who does that?! Brushes their teeth with hot water...

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