I don’t like people

A month of moments. A daily brief trip down my thought spiral inspired by a moment the stayed with me till dusk and beyond. 3rd November

At work around Christmas generally some sod in my team buys me a mug. So far over the years I’ve collected one that says

‘It is all about me’

‘Another 8 hours pretending to work’

‘I’m sorry I offended you when I called you stupid. I honestly thought you know’

‘Unt’ with a black handle (you might need to think about that one but yes highly offensive

And the latest one

‘I don’t like people’

Each year I ask myself ‘are my colleagues trying to say something’ we laugh it off in a joke. However maybe I do portray this message about myself. The truth is that I care deeply about those around me. My work involves supporting people who generally come from horrendous backgrounds and have hideous stories filled with trauma. I do get angry.

I feel a deep level of anger that in our society the level of trauma, that I’m sometimes immune to hearing now, exists. I feel angry that I hear story after story year after year of the same thing happening just on a different day. Right now I know that abuse is being suffered that in 16 years time, the person subjected to it will turn up at my work place with a bin bag full of everything they own in the world.

I feel angry. My team go so far to show love, kindness, care, support and guidance. They leave everything they have on the table and when they have a week off, it’s not uncommon to hear they just slept for 3 days. It’s not a job it’s a vocation.

This week, I had a young person learn for the first time that non-consensual sex is not ok. She listened and learned like she was at school trying to understand what long shore drift is, or why a chemical reaction occurs. She applied what she had learnt immediately and was brave enough to later that day say ‘no’. I had another young person cry when he was given a toaster. No one has ever bought him anything. At first he took it and used it, then when he tried to give it back and was told ‘that’s yours, we didn’t lend it to you we gave it’ he was lost for words, the tears said it all and he was ushered back to his room with the toaster to plug it back in. He celebrated with more toast.

Finally the thing that stood out for me today was when a young person asked if they were allowed to go for a walk. They didn’t know the area, had arrived the previous night and wanted to know if it was ok if she was gone for 2 hours. I responded ‘yes, you don’t have to ask, it’s not a prison it’s a home. However before you go, let me give you a map so I can mark the bus stop down so you can check bus times for other places you might want to go, show you where the closest shop is, and where the nicest park is if you like walking. Also here is our number, ring if you get lost’.

What horrors these young people must have seen and felt to be 20 years old and asking permission to go on a walk, crying over a toaster and learning for the first time in your life that it’s ok to say no.

I don’t like people, because people can do this to others.

There is a darkness in our society, and the average citezen doesn’t see it. They don’t know that there’s a drug dealer on the corner, or that the teenager they just walked past is addicted to heroin, and intending to take an overdose to end it all. They don’t know the house down the road is keeping someone against their will. They don’t know that that child who is the best behaved child they have ever met, doesn’t cry because they have so little attention that crying isn’t an effective method for getting mums attention.

Sometimes I go home and wish I could un-see, un-hear, un-know. Maybe then I would not be so people adverse.

However I’m not people adverse, I love people, I just wish with all my heart that as people we could be kinder, more accepting, more loving, have less red tape and more action. More than anything I wish every child could have a fair start to life. I don’t mean financially, I mean with love.

I do wander what mug I’ll get for Christmas this year. Probably ‘please mind the rant’