How do you do it?

Sitting watching the world go by there's a seclusion that goes alongside being mentally ill. You are either ridiculed and feared or pitied by those that down have all the facts, from my side I don't understand any of it,people, the planet,so-called humanity that would allow even encourage the denegration and distruction of another. We set ourselves up as better than animals because we have the ability to choose and yet of every species on the planet we are the only ones that kill for fun. Wether it is pushing someone with Complex PTSD to murder or suicide and then decrying their actions either way as cowardice and destructiveness. I see so many posts about people being pushed to a point of retalliation whilst the one responsible for the reaction plays victim and pleads bullying or victimisation,they then recruit others to their cause,that fearing the unknown take on a version from an outsiders perspective and make life unbearable.

I've heard many stories from others with the issues I do that all have a strikingly similar ring to them. Men and women that have survived horrific childhoods,or that enlisted for the rights of the people that judged them most unfairly when they return home and can't adjusted after the terrors they've witnessed in the name of freedom. Domestic violence survivors of both sexes that have been reduced to having to hide from their tormentors only to have a whisper start in their new community.

Just a small shift but what the general populus doesn't realise is we have spent our lives from the point of traume on high alert,not just to our immediate environment but to the adjoining environments too,things like cupboard doors slamming,neoghbours arguing, or dogs barking heighten every sense in our body and if we don't have the tools in place to deal with these incidents it can derail recovery and quite possibly set you back years.

The hardest thing to aknowledge is that any of these episodes can then lead to destruction on a spectacular level,like a 43 year old folding themselves in to an airing cupboard to escape the sound of dogs barking. You see a flashback isn't like an 80's montage reel where you have these freeze frames and snapshots of trauma. I often think that flashback is an improper term for what you exerience,for me it is almost an out of body experience, i don't just remember, I become that moment all over again. I'm no longer an adult sat with my husband fighting back sick..I can smell and feel the terror, i'm not in my familiar surroundings,i'm back at my most vulnerable point hearing footsteps,doors, my whole body trembles and I can't catch my breath properly because I keep holding it intermitently hoping not to be heard. Then there's the sweat factor that comes into play and tears that can't be controlled while I sit hopeless, praying for peace and piece of mind. Knowing what I know about my wn condition I know enough that the trauma terrors don't jst suside once you can regroup because then you have to face trying to sleep while your subconcious tries to repair itself again from another bout of sheer terror. A lot of times though I end up unabe to sleep and spend the hours staring at the tv or the ceiling until enevitably the barking starts again and the whole cycle of hypervigilance,trauma terrors and insomnia contiunes. So I can never fully understand the level of how broken a society we are that we would active encourage and in many cases find it funny to complicate an already complicated world with that level of spite. I recently told my father I don't understand why people are they way the are but more than anything I really don't want to be part of a race that delights in misery, I don't think he ever wanted the world to see me other than who I am not what I have medically or materialistically as I don't see the world that way at all. I found strength in cooking and reading but even that was ruined for me as outdoors became a place where I felt constantly on edge and worrying about people locally but more than anything what I feel is the saddest thing of all is. In a world where I have been struggling to find a reason to stay alive is my husband has had to protect me from myself because of the judgement and actions of others and watch me struggle alone as more and more people have joined the crusade to get the dangerous nutter out!

Name calling, gossiping and the chinese whispers of it all comes down to one persons vendetta and a group of people that will support the toxic behaviours all while sniggering about the hardships I have that became common knowledge when the situation was explained.

So someone please tell me how exactly do you live ina world where one person values you and the rest of the world condemns you? Do you continue to try? How do you see the good and the value in yourself when you are openly treated like a drain on the worlds supply of oxygen? I have no clue, if you do, let me know