Feeling Drained

Random journal entry 1…

Today I’ve realized that I’m a lot more depressed than I thought. I’ve suffered from depression for years, but I was still able to function and enjoy things.

Now… the things that use to bring me joy, don’t, and I get really bad anxiety over doing basic tasks/errands.

Exhibit A: grocery shopping

I use to love it. Don’t ask why because I couldn’t tell you, I just did. Maybe it was the music and having full control over what I get to pick out and buy. I honestly don’t know, I just really enjoyed it. Now I dread having to leave the house to go do it.

Exhibit B: going on walks

I really enjoyed venturing off into new areas I wasn’t familiar with. Discovering either a new place for me to have some peace and quiet or just simply soaking up what nature had to offer. I’d be out of the house for hours doing this. A few years ago though, I stopped. I didn’t even notice. I just… no longer had an interest going on walks and I still don’t.

I could go on with other examples, but you get the point. I’ve lost interest in a lot of things since moving into this house with K, his sister, and his sister’s husband. The vibes here are so uncomfortable that I stay in our room all day. The only time I wander out is when I need to shower or make something to eat. Other than that, I stay here, the only place I consider to be my safe haven… my home.

Anyway, moving on to my point.

I applied to a new job last week and got it. I was supposed to start training today, but backed out and asked if I could start some other day.

I’m just… I’m not ready yet.

I haven’t gotten a response yet, but hopefully I do soon. I think I have trauma from my last long term job. I use to work at a hotel and I was there for a little over a year. It was a good job at first and then after the first few months of me working there, it basically crumbled before me. The drama there affected everyone in the workplace, no matter which department you were in, you couldn’t avoid it. The sexual harassment was off the charts. The lack of management, the backstabbing. The lies… Unfortunately, I became a victim to the BS that went on there. I had no choice but to quit. I only stayed because of the people there.

I’m happy I’m out now, but the trauma of working there has stayed with me without me realizing. It’s also made my depression a lot worse. I find it hard to get out of bed to even pee when I need to. It sucks that I don’t have anyone in my corner to help because they don’t-no, can’t understand what I’m going through.

This job that I got, it’s nothing like the one at the hotel. It’s hell of a lot closer, the people there don’t seem fake nor have the time to gossip, and it seems like I can actually focus on the work without someone’s problems interfering with it.

My problem?: I don’t want to work another job again. I felt trapped in my last job. Everyone, even my family, convinced me to stay in that shithole of a place after I told them everything that was going on at the time. They said that I need to make money somehow and that I didn’t really have a choice… after I left, I decided I wasn’t going to choose anything over my happiness again.

Unfortunately, with this new opportunity, I feel like I’m doing exactly that. But I don’t know what it’s like since I haven’t had training yet. I’m only going off of my interview with the place. I just don’t want to feel that feeling again. The suffocation and helplessness. It can become so overwhelming so quickly.

But I need the money.

The job market sucks and it’s been over a year since I was able to get an interview with anyone.

I don’t know what to do.

[I typed this up in a slight hurry today, so forgive me if it doesn’t seem too good of a read (grammar issues, spelling, etc.) I just wanted to share something personal.]