Did I have a crush to give me a sense of control over my life?

It always starts like this: You see him a couple of times without genuinely seeing him. And then, it is as though he comes more often than usual. When he looks at you or talks to you, it feels as though your throat doesn't allow you to speak; a fire has started within your guts and if you talk to him…. Words seem to just fall out of your mouth, forming nonsensical sentenc-es. You begin to adjust in your seat, wiggling around your feet, suddenly not knowing what to do with your limbs…. And one day, you look in the mirror and finally ask yourself: Do you seriously have a crush on him?

Because it's always him, isn't it? The one who walks around, not realising that he's kind of cute? Not really seeing girls may just look at him the way they look at other guys. Therefore, you may feel as though you have discovered a rare persona, someone special, so you see him as so. Even though he may not be.

In their article, Maggie Craig and Carmel Yonas wrote,

"When a person develops a crush, their hormone levels drastically change, affecting the chemical composition of the human mind. Serotonin levels increase throughout the duration of the crush. Specifically, serotonin is a crucial hormone that is responsible for stabilising mood and emotions. It also assists with sleeping, eating, and digestion. When your serotonin levels are high, your mood boosts, and it combats depression and anxiety [….]"

Therefore, can we say that having a crush on him saved me from depression?

I find it funny when looking at the guy I used to have a crush on; how foolish I was for a minute. While I can feel the excitement I used to have when seeing him, simply leaving my body day after day, I can sense my eyes opening to the truth right in front of me. [ and him by the same occasion]

1. He is not the guy I imagined him to be, and It is alright.

2. My life was drastically changing, and therefore I needed something, a familiar and exciting feeling to hold on to, not to feel completely drained by the lack of foundation I had in this new chapter of my life.

The article points out a fact that has been stuck in my head. It always comes down to a science and how our bodies reflect our inner, undeniable feelings. Consequently, I believe that developing that crush on someone I would have never had nor truly wanted was my mechanism not to face the truth – I was genuinely not feeling good about myself for a while.

Do not get me wrong; this guy is not the worst. He is not even the worst guy I have ever had a crush on. But one thing I am sure of when it comes to him is that he's not good for me and never will be. So somehow, in a ( not so) weird way, I think I had this unconscious knowing that this crush would not last or would not be transformed into something more. And while I have tried to make it happen and will not go into details about it, the practical and logical side of me pushed me to open my eyes for a second and say:

The only reasons you have a crush on him is because

1. It will never happen

2. He's not right for you

3. You are trying to avoid what really bothers you

And while I could go on about why he is not suitable for me, I will concentrate on why I have developed this crush for him and how I have, and continue to remind myself that it is not rea-sonable and actually quite toxic.

I believe human brains and mechanisms to be pretty dramatic and absolutely crazy beautiful. Although I am no scientist, I think our unconsciousness is strong enough ( up to a certain point) to carry loads of pain without showing us the actual aspect of said pain. Let's just take my situation as an example; although I am not objective on the matter, I will try to be.

I left my hometown, habits, and family behind for a new life and a new chapter. Although I felt like I had control over the direction of my life, this new chapter proved me wrong.

In many ways, these past four months have challenged my inner sense of balance and even my own identity. In a bigger city like Paris, who am I? but most importantly, who do I choose to become?

It is perhaps easy to fall into the pit of confusion that moving to a new city can represent, and maybe I fell hard and easy into this pit, like the romantic, readily caught in my overthinking and over feeling self that I am. And this is where this crush had started.

My Virgo's brain needed an escape from the torment that had become this chapter, and dear you, it chose a sweet one, something that would lead more blood to my heart than to my brain for me not to realise: I needed to concentrate on myself and getting better and heal.

The question that may pop into your mind is: Ok, so what about now?

The more I see him, the more I realise that the crush was a pure fantasy that my brain had constructed following the baseline of who he was and why I could potentially be attracted to him. It felt safe also because he is a shy guy, and unless I had made it clear that I had a crush on him, he wouldn't be able to tell if it was the case or not. Because believe me or not, although I am a good actress, I sometimes could barely hide it.

Today, as I am starting to embrace feeling lost amongst the immensity of this new city, this new life of mine, I feel ready to embrace what is in front of me finally. I do not have that much of a crush on him, and it feels good. He's not that great, anyway. But I was fascinated with this person because it felt necessary for my survival. ( and by that, I mean: to slowly but quickly adapt to my new environment.)

But you know what is actually incredible?

Singing to myself as a daily mantra, the lyrics to Devon Cole's song W.I.T.C.H while writing an article that I am building for one and only purpose: getting better at what makes me feel alive: writing.

"And she don't wanna be anybody else

She's a woman in total control of herself."

And while whispering the lyrics when working, they nearly feel like dancing atoms, whistling a truth I had hidden away from my brain. So, therefore, I allow myself to remember the girl in the Red Dress. Because I can finally wear it again and feel like the woman I am, who seeks to understand her own power in this world while building the path that one day she will be able to say: I am proud of myself and what I have achieved.

So did I have a crush to give me a fragile sense of control over my life?

Although coming to the realisation can be mentally painful, I believe this crush did give me a sense of control. Looking back on the period this crush had evolved within me, my brain was wired on the chemicals that flew to each limb of my body, as one may call them: THE butterflies, focusing my mind on this guy and sometimes only him. Therefore, important subjects like: I do not feel at my place… I sometimes feel numb and unable to know what to do… Do I love my job? …Who am I really? …Well, all of that was put aside.

Returning to the previously mentioned article, it is written that "When your serotonin levels are high, your mood boosts, and it combats depression and anxiety". Hence, we could potentially say that my brain focused on him to help me combat the depression that was patiently waiting to stumble upon my head at any time. Damn, do I love this beautiful brain of mine.

I have already talked about my perspective on life on this platform. I believe it is about choices, which can be seen as paths and roads. Sometimes there were different roads ahead of us, and although it felt like we were on the main road, we were actually on the escape route. This one was entirely built by my brain, beautifully decorated with feelings I thought I had control over. It was fun while it lasted, as I didn't have to constantly see the other road crumbling with the weight of feelings I knew I couldn't yet handle.

But every road has an end, and although we believe it will last forever while driving on, it does need to reach an ending; whether enlightening or bittersweet; it always ends for another road to start.

So I guess the final answer to my question could be:

The sense of control this crush gave me was fragile and an illusion as the thing about those feelings is: they're just temporary. But why shouldn't we enjoy them for what they are - a short, turbulent, and eventful ride.

So, should we make a petition and appropriately rename the term "crush"?

What do you believe?

With all my Love,

B.

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