Chasm

I'm staring at this computer with a keyboard filled with all the letters of the alphabet, numbers, figures, signs, and punctuation marks. Countless ways to express my heart, and I can't find the words. I have an endless supply before me and nothing to say. I've tried stories, poems, letters, but nothing works. What words could adequately express what I'm feeling? I'm not sure I know it myself. And maybe that's the problem. It's not that I can't put words to it, but I'm not sure what medium is best to truly describe it and capture its essence.

I'm a writer. Words are kind of my thing. I can transpose them into lyric, rhyme, or narrative. I can give voices to characters or depict monologues. I'm not saying I'm the best there is - far from it, but I do know how to sequence words in order to convey my mind and heart. But that's just the thing. With this, I'm lost. And because I'm lost, because I can't find the words I need, I can't fully express myself. I'm walking on eggshells, scrambling for solid ground.

It used to be that my depression fueled my words, gave them power and passion. Now my fingers lay limp against the keyboard, waiting for an inspiration that was dampened with this heartbreak. Before, it was my longing and self-inflicted brokenness that gave me a voice. But when the blow is struck by another, the outcome is different. When expectation does not meet with reality, a free fall ensues, and the air is pulled from your lungs, making it hard to breathe, much less speak. And yet I'm trying to.

How do you describe a broken heart? Are there cracks emanating from an initial blow, chips and fissures running through you, constantly widening until piece by piece you fall into it? Or are you instead shattered to pieces and find yourself amidst the ruins of yourself, having fallen to the floor and discovering scraps of yourself strewn around you? Or perhaps you feel your heart has been ripped from your body, being squeezed and suffocated by another's hand, your perpetrator, one whom you trusted and loved and believed loved you in return? Is heartbreak disappointed hopes and dreams, dismantled beliefs, caustic words, unimaginable actions? Is it trust that has been poisoned or a lover who lies and manipulates you, injuring you so fully, both emotionally and psychologically, that it feels like a physical blow? Or is heartbreak something that can't be quantified or described in a single sentence? Is it perhaps all these things felt altogether as the one you love becomes a repeat offender and displays apathy towards your plight?

No one can write a story long enough or short enough to cover the depths of brokenness, no song can compose a melody bleak enough, no rhyme can communicate with symbols and metaphors the loss of self that comes with the loss of another. I think that's why I can't find my words. Perhaps there really are none strong enough. But I'll try anyway.

A chasm opens, threatening to swallow you whole. And at first you can fight it, standing there at the edge. You think that you're strong enough, that the gap isn't so wide it can't be crossed in a single leap. But just as in the desert, the chasm edges fool you in their distance and as you leap you find that instead you plummet downward, gaining speed. And the bottom can't be found. And with each foot gained, darkness gathers. Some moments seem to last for ages as your speed slows and you fool yourself into thinking that maybe you're learning to grow wings and soon you'll fly out of this chasm. But instead a window opens and there he is, spewing words like venom that burns your skin and scuttles through your mind, poisoning every good memory and rewriting what you thought you knew. That's when you start to gain speed again and your chasm widens further, allowing your descent to go uninhibited. Hope and laughter seem scarce, like distant memories on a breeze you'd give anything to feel upon your face. You try to put your arms and legs out, thinking if you can get enough traction you'll stop falling, and you scrabble for any hold you can keep. Anything to stop this free fall. Once, maybe twice, you'll get it and you fight to keep it. You fight for good and whole and happy, you fight for the one you love, the one who is supposed to love you, and you fight for yourself. Because this free fall has to end and if this is your one chance to climb, you're gonna take it. And for a second it works. He promises to try and apologizes for his lies and he goes to a counselor to get himself right. Until he comes home again and his actions belie his words and he kicks you from your tremulous hold on those chasm walls and you're back to falling again. Only this time, it feels like you're being dragged downward you're falling too quickly. And though you're falling from his words and his actions, though he's done this to you, it's when he makes it about himself that you hit rock bottom. Because he's right, there can only be one victim in this scenario. And the perpetrator cannot also be the victim, though that's how he would like it to be. You aren't allowed your feelings, your depression, your anxiety, your hurt and anger and fear, because you cannot hold the slot he loves so dearly. That's what slams you into the ground, leaves your bones quaking and your head reeling. That's what splits your heart in two, or shreds its remaining pieces. That's what leaves you breathless on the stone cold floor of your chasm, all strength having fled to keeping your ragged heart beating. The light is gone and darkness coats the exterior and interior of who you are. Comatose, broken, bewildered, battered, and rejected; those are the emotions that survived the fall. All else were snuffed out upon impact.

That is what a broken heart feels like, that downward spiral of depression wrought upon you by someone who promised to love, cherish, protect, and support you. That's what happens when that someone systematically breaks every vow he made to you before God. This is a broken heart, a broken soul, damaged and undone by their soulmate. This is me, made by you. This is what I've become.